ATV Adventure . . . The Castaway's Get Dirty!

Gilligans Log August 17th 2011 . . .

Well the day started again at 6:00am to a beautiful sunrise and Dennis was hard at work taking sunrise pictures like a Playboy photographer on a Playmate shoot full of oooo's and aahhh's. The morning coffee, Frappucino and Rockstar were served and it was time for Dennis to become Aunt Jemimah and make us his world famous pancakes. The start was a little sketchy with getting the temperature of the skillet right which resulted in a few Hispanic shaded and one African American pancake which we fondly referred to as minority pancakes. We ate breakfast and it was awesome thanks to Aunt Jemimah's culinary skills.

The anticipation about the ATV Adventure was mounting in the homestead which was evident by the fact that everyone was dressed and ready to go an hour and fifteen minutes before we had to leave. So let that be a lesson to all you married men take you woman on an ATV Tour to see her get ready in record time. We left for the ATV Tour 45 minutes before the start of the tour and we were only 5 minutes away . . . needless to say we had time to spare. We proceeded with the check in process rather quickly and were seated outside on a bench to wait further instructions. While I was sitting there I realized that having a pair of underwear, a swim suit and a pair of pants on all at the same time . . . Well put simply . . . had my balls in a bunch. It was uncomfortable to say the least and with a nice four hour bouncy ATV ride ahead, this was going to be a long day. I can only imagine how bad the girls had their panties in a knot as they were sporting at least three layers as well.

After a short time we had our directions in hand on how to get to the actual ATV starting place and we were off to start our adventure. Once everyone who was going on the tour was present our guide proceeded with the pre-tour agenda which included offering a set of their clothes as we were all going to get dirty. Not to spoil the ending but . . . HOLY SHIT! We had our ball binding and taco twisting attire on so we passed the clothes. The next item on the pre-tour agenda was the signing of the 2nd waiver form. I am always surprised at just how quick we all sign this piece of paper. The fact that we could be in a freak accident on their ATV Tour and it would result in an oops or a sorry and nothing more, is insane. So we signed the waiver without hesitation. We then received our vehicle operation instructions along with hand signals that were ways to communicate the fact that the ATV in front of you was involved in a fiery crash over a 500 foot cliff with the rest of the group behind your ATV. We were all photographed in our Pre-tour state where we were all clean and then we were off on our ATV Adventure.

The first item at hand was the “Becoming One With Your ATV” portion of the tour. This was a portion of the tour where they tested your ability to keep you ATV in a straight line with all of the rest of the ATV's on the tour. This portion took place on the straightest road you have every seen. If somebody couldn't keep their ATV straight on this section of road they would definitely need to be taken to the countryside and beaten severely. With that boring and dusty portion out of the way we were now off into the deep jungle like depths of the island. The ride consisted of eating the dust thrown up from the ATV in front of you. Oh yeah did I mention we ate a lot of dust. We arrived at a really cool tunnel that went right through a mountain and was pitch black and a half a mile long. Our guide stopped everyone and made sure that we all had our headlights on. We entered the tunnel a quickly found out that the headlights were there so other people could see you, because they didn't work worth a shit as operator headlights. Hell Dennis can hardly see when conditions are ideal much less in a dark tunnel. We made our way through the tunnel like Stevie Wonder heading towards the light at the end of the tunnel. We made it through and were now of to a series of winding trails which made the ride more exciting. It could have been more exciting if we didn't have a Douche Bag in front of us that decided it would be a good time to have a leisurely drive through the fucking jungle. There were a few times when Dennis had the urge to pass this slow son of a bitch as there was plenty of open road in front of the Douche Bag.

During this tour it rapidly became apparent that the world is full of people who are only concerned with themselves and are clueless as to other people or things around them. We wound through narrow, bumpy, and dusty trails for the next hour eating more dust and dirt than anyone should eat in a lifetime. We arrived at the first of two private waterfalls. This waterfall was for a quick photo opportunity. This is also the first time we got to remove our helmets and goggles and got to see the contrast between the covered areas and the not so covered areas. Prior to proceeding to the waterfall the guide warned everyone to watch their step and to be especially caution of the wild boars that roam the underbrush in this area. We wound through a bamboo grove to a little picturesque waterfall and had our picture taken by one of the guides. We wound back through the bamboo grove to the ATV's and that's when Joanie encountered a wild boar. She screamed when she heard it grunt at her and I'm sure she shit herself to some extent. She was definitely in a full on piss yourself panic. That was when she realized that it was only one of our guides hiding in the bamboo and make wild boar noises to freak tourist out. Needless to say we all had a good laugh. We mounted our now filthy ATV and proceeded to travel a short way to the second private waterfall where you could swim and this is where we ate lunch. It was very beautiful and peaceful. I found it hard to believe that there were people that were paid to ride ATV's, scare the shit out of tourists and swim in a private waterfall, all the while in Paradise. I could so live here and do this job . . . I'm scheduling the move as I type.

After lunch was over it was time to head back to the starting point. We proceeded through a different set of narrow winding trails that had sections of mud where we were lucky enough to have some mud splatter on us like shit after a bad night of drinking. The last thing we went through before we hit the dusty trail was a small stream that got everyone wet but especially Dennis and myself in the front of the ATV. There was one problem with the nice water Douche we received it was followed by the dusty trail. It wasn't long before I realized that I couldn't see shit and if I couldn't see shit that means Dennis couldn't see shit . . . and he was fucking driving . . . AHHHHH! I promptly jumped into action as his copilot and wiped his goggles off. This smeared the mud like a nice brown shit smear on his goggles which only made matters worse . . . AHHHHH! I wiped and wiped until the shit smear was minimal. Dennis was an awesome driver and didn't slow down even though we were all screaming like little girls. We arrived back at the starting point and headed back to the ATV office to pick up my liscense which was offered up as collateral earlier in the day. When we arrived at the office they were playing a slideshow of our adventure. You guessed it we had to have one. So look for the pictures coming soon to the Photobucket page linked to this blog.

We arrived back at the homestead looking like a bunch of coal miners that had been trapped for a week or two . . . Finally . . . Showertime! We all had the same story of washing and washing and scrubbing and scrubbing and when we dried off . . . Dirt on the white towel. Some were worse than others which was evident from the dirt smear on Dennis' towel which resembled a giant fecal smear . . . I guess we would be washing the towels in the next load of laundry. After our showers we all had a drink to celebrate the fact that we made it out alive and discussed where we should go to dinner. We decided on a Mexican restaurant called LaBamba. We ate, we drank, we filled up with food that insured that we would have gas for three days and then we bought ice cream to take back to the add to the gas issue with lactose intolerance . . . gas plus the shit's . . . things are looking up. Well as luck would have it the ice cream went in the freezer because we were all too full to eat any more. Joanie and I went on my nightly walk to what I now refer to as Cigar Point. This is a nice place where there is a light house beacon amongst the lava rock a short walk from the homestead. The nightly ritual of a few beers and a cigar was nice and when we returned to the room the Crow's were asleep and we soon followed. What a fun filled day and I can't wait what is in store for the Castaway's tomorrow. Come back ya'll now . . . ya hear . . .