Food Phobias . . . Fire . . . And Freddy . . .

Gilligan’s Log August 17th 2011 6:00am . . .

We all awoke at what has become our customary waking time of 6:00am. we blame it on the Kauai alarm clocks . . . the Chickens. They crow very loudly every morning at about 6:00am. It's all good in my book because if I am going to woken up early I'm glad it is in paradise with great friends. I know . . . I know . . . AWWWW!

We all had the morning beverage of choice and a quick bite to eat as we were off to purchase matching couples Luau Wear. that's right we were going to match our wives at our Luau on Friday. We traveled to the Coconut Grove Shopping center where the women folk proceeded rather quickly to the dress shop to make their respective selections. Dennis and I wandered at a much slower pace to give the girls time to make their selections. Upon arriving I asked if I could try on a matching dress to match my wife's and to make it a short one as I had damn sexy legs. You should have seen the look on the lady's face . . . Priceless. I convinced her that I was serious, but unfortunately she didn't have a dress for a full figured gal like me . . . Damn! The girls finalized their selections and we were fitted with our matching Hawaiian shirts. We were ready for the Luau come hell or high water . . . i.e. hurricane Fernanda! That's right we may be in the path of a hurricane . . . SWEET!

We were off to Costco for fuel for the S.S. Escape for our day's adventure to Wiamea Canyon. We went back to the room and packed a picnic lunch for our outing and this is when we found out that Dennis has . . . well let's just say . . . Way's that he wants things done. Things like once the sandwich in made and before it is placed in the ice chest it must have a physical barrier between the sandwich and any coldness above that of a refrigerator as there is a chance of the sandwich bread becoming either soggy or suffering from hard crust syndrome. So Pam hermetically sealed Dennis' sandwich in layers of Coffee Filters, paper towels and a zip-lock bag. he then instructed Pam to make sure that when the sandwich was inserted into the paper bag and then into the ice chest that his be the top sandwich to future eliminate the possibility of sogginess or hard crust syndrome. We all got a good laugh about this. We found out that Dennis has numerous issues when it comes to food and/or the way it is prepared.

With the lunch packed we were off for our adventure to Wiamea Canyon. This is known and the Grand Canyon of the Pacific and is absolutely stunning. The road to the canyon lookout can best be described as . . . One Winding Fucking Road. This road is 17 miles of 25mph speed limit signs, in which case they are not joking. A winding turn to the right, a winding turn to the left followed by a steep . . . steep . . . did I say steep . . . inclines, all mixed in with numerous 180 degree switch backs. If you were prone to getting car sick this is not the road for you . . . Dennis . . . are you okay? He was fine and never had signs of getting sick.

We arrived at the Wiamea Canyon lookout where we walked a short distance to the observation platform where the view was absolutely amazing. As you all can probably guess we all took a butt load of pictures which will be posted on the Photobucket page linked to this blog as soon as I get a better WiFi connection that is a hell of a lot faster than the one I have now. After our photo shoot of the canyon we decided to go further up the road to where it end at Ko'Kee' State Park. On the way to Ko'Kee' we came upon a nice picnic area where we decided to unveil Dennis' sandwich and see if he felt it was still edible. To our amazement . . . it was. We ate, We Laughed, We took pictures of Cardinals, We found out from Pam while talking about food that "Dennis Hates Everything". Apparently Dennis has various issues with either the food itself or the way it is prepared. Either way to hear Pam tell it and to see Dennis' facial expression was absolutely hilarious. Sorry but this is one of those times that you just had to be there.

After lunch on our way to Ko'Kee' we passed a NASA Observatory on the way there and why not we were at about 5300 feet in elevation which felt like the top of the world. That's right we went from sea level to 5300 feet in a relatively short drive. The first lookout point was absolutely beautiful. If you do not do anything else in your lifetime make it a point to see this wonder of the world . . . simple words cannot do it justice. We went to the end of the road wondering how the view could be any better than the one we had just experienced . . . well we soon found out. Oh my god . . .

The end of the trail is even better than the first observation point. You are higher in elevation at 5700 feet. You are actually in the clouds and can feel the mist from them falling on you when you are there. This is home to one of the wettest places on earth . . . Or at least that's what the sign said. We snapped more pictures and stood in some cliff side locations that made the girls a little nervous . . . but it was well worth it. I know you all want to see the pictures . . . be patient . . . I promise to post them soon.

With our adventure complete we headed back down the mountain and stopped at various wide spots for even more photo opportunities along the way. After the twist and turns of the road and pictures safely in our cameras and memories we were of to our home away from home . . . Or so we thought! As we were driving back to the homestead we were listening to the radio and found out that they had evacuated the area where our paradise palace is located due to a brush fire. Holy Shit . . . First a hurricane . . . Now a fire. We tried to sneak in the back way but the police already had the road blocked and were not letting anyone in. Great . . . What to do now . . . that is the question. We did what every red blooded tourist would do . . . we went to an old cemetery and called our timeshare for an update and information on what to do! I'll bet none of you seen that coming. while we were there Pam announced that she had to pee! Joanie was quick to point out that if she was to pee in a cemetery then she was going straight to hell . . . do not pass go . . . do not collect $200 . . . just straight to hell. So with that said Pam decided to hold it. Joanie was informed that they didn't know when we would be let back in, they didn't know how bad the fire was, they didn't know which direction it was heading, they didn't know if the timeshare was in immediate danger . . . I am so glad we called it put everyone’s minds at ease . . . NOT! What the fuck . . . are you kidding me . . . doesn't anyone talk to each other? Hell nobody even seems concerned that they could all burn up in a fiery ball. Talk about being so laid back and in a island state of mind . . . Holy Shit.

Well with all of that useful information in hand it was off to find a “Tinkletorium” so we could all evacuate our bladders just like we evacuated the timeshare. So it was off to Costco for a piss and pistachios. After Costco we decided since we may or may not be going back to our timeshare or our burned remains of our belongings . . . we were off to an island ritual . . . The ABC Store. We shopped for a few souvenirs for people back home . . . There may or may not be one for you. We were then off to another island must . . . Bubba Burger! We introduced the Crow's to the Hubba Bubba. This is a bed of white rice, with a hamburger patty smothered in melted cheese covered in chili and topped with onions. With the recent information regarding Dennis' food issues there was some concern as to whether he would be able to eat this yummy mess. He was a trooper and whether or not he liked it, he ate it. After dinner and one last stop at another ABC Store it was off to see if we had anyhting left at the timeshare. As you can probably guessed we lost everything in the fire and are not living in the Kauai Emergency Evacuation Center. The only thing that survived was everything . . . I was just kidding. So if you are a relative of the Castaways you can breath again.

We arrived back at home finally and to our pleasure found everything intact. It was time for the girls to go to the spa for a drink and a soak and it was time for Dennis and I to wander to Cigar Point for w few beers and a cigar. We arrived at Cigar Point and were getting settle by the light of our flashlights when all of a sudden out of the darkness and with the stealth of the best Ninja a guy appeared and scared the living shit out of me and actually stopped Dennis' heart. "WHAT THE FUCK MAN" were the words that came out along with "YOU JUST SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME". Without so much as an apology he proceeded to ask why we had flashlights and to turn them off and we should never bring flashlight to this place. Well I have news for you Satan, we aren't "See In The Dark Underlords" like you. We are middle aged blind fuckers that need light at all times, especially when we are roaming around sheer lava cliffs that fall of 100' into the fucking Pacific Ocean. This guy had serious bat like night vision whether he was Batman with sonar, Satan or a Navy Seal who knew, all I know is it was fucking creepy having a ghost of a guy sneak up like that . . . SHIT! We passed the time looking at the stars as there was many and the night sky was clear. With all of the beautiful sights we were lucky enough to see today this was the icing on the cake. WE talked for a while with our new Ninja acquaintance about things to do on the island. When he asked where we were staying I told him at the point but was very vague as I didn't know if Ninja Man would sneak up and appear on our balcony one night. He bid us a good evening and promised to see us tomorrow and disappeared in the dark just as quickly as he appeared. See us tomorrow . . . What the hell did he mean by that? Was he going to follow us?
Was he coming for our souls on Cigar Point? Was he like Freddy Kruger and going to show up in our dreams AHHHHH . . . I WANT MY MOMMY!

Once safely back in our room it was shower time followed by telling Joanie of our newly found friend Satan then to sleep. Where I just hope I didn't hear "One Two Freddy's Coming For You . . .

More from the Castaways tomorrow . . . (If Freddy Doesn't Get Them First)