Tubing Time . . . And Who The Hell Is Smoking . . .

Gilligan's Log Tuesday August 23rd 2011 . . .

Well today is the day the Castaways go “Tubing”. . . that's right “Tubing”. This being our last scheduled adventure the group was definitely excited for the adventure to begin. The girls prepared an awesome bacon and egg with hash browns and toast breakfast to start our day . . . Yummm! After breakfast and a quick clean up everyone got ready with sunscreen and swimsuits and with plenty of time to kill before we left and with everyone already finished getting ready we watched a movie on television until it was time to leave. We arrived at Kauai Back Country Adventures and changed into our water shoes in preparation for our adventure. We did our check-in process, signed more of those death release forms, and waited to receive further instructions.

Okay so Tubing you Say . . . For those of you who don't know what this is about it's a 2 ½ mile lazy float through old irrigation canals on an old sugar cane plantation. These “Ditches”flow through some of the most beautiful tropical rainforest around and the bast thing is that about 95% of the trip winds through winding tunnels. Some of the tunnels are as long as ¾ of a mile in length and all pitch black. Not t o fear however they outfit you with helmets with lights on them so you can see a glimpse of the walls and the bats as they wiz past you at break neck speeds. Actually it's only a couple of miles an hour but in the dark it seems like you are hauling ass.

Well it was time to get our gear checked out to us. The outfit of the day os swim suits, water shoes, gloves and a lovely helmet with a light. They load us into huge vans and drives us into the middle of the rainforest for this adventure. If you were just looking into the van and didn't know any better you would think they were taking a van load of retarded people for a day in the forest. There we all sat in the van with out helmets on . . . some with their gloves on . . . some with their helmet light on. There we were the Special Olympics rafting team ready to strike. We arrived to the launch site after a bumpy ass ride that lasted about ½ an hour. There was a safety talk given by one of the guides which ended with . . . If all fails . . . Stand Up. That's right the Ditch was only about 2 ½ feet deep. As a matter of fact one of the instructions that may be called out during the adventure is “Butts Up” which indicated places where you may damage your ass by dragging it on the bottom of the Ditch. There were a few more instructions as well such as “Elbows and Ankles In”, “Push and Shove”, “Light's On” and “Lights Off”. All of them pretty self explanatory too. They informed us that the water temperature would be invigorating to say the least and that's when one of the adventurers asked if they had a wet suit jacket the she could wear. The guide just sat there looking at the Ra'tard in disbelief, and proceeded to just simply say “I'm speechless . . . and No we don't”. With that out of the way let the adventure begin . . .

We were all led down a short path to a bunch of blue and yellow tubes floating in the Ditch. They resembled a bunch of multicolored Cheerios. We were all set in our Cheerios and soon found out what invigorating meant. It meant that the Va Jay Jay's and the Scrotum’s of the Tuber's would become numb and even possibly freeze and fall off before the adventure was over. This gave a new meaning to “Blue Balls” that for sure. After a short period of adjustment where everyone’s anus slammed shut we were released down the ditch. There we all were bouncing off the sides of the ditch and off of each other in a type of bumper boat parade. As we sat in our Cheerios and bounced through the ditch we entered our first of five tunnels this being the shortest of only a ¼ of a mile and damn it was freaking dark . . . even with our helmet lights on . . . Ahhh . . . Bats . . . Their in my hair, They . . . Are . . . In . . . My . . . Hair! Oh wait I don't have any hair. Oh yeah I forgot . . . there are no bats . . . oops my bad. At any rate the rest of the tour was pretty much the same thing bumping and bouncing, dragging ass anchors, dark tunnels, and Three People from India . . . What the fuck . . . Who's watching the 7-11. I know that was racist but I couldn't help myself, there we were in the middle of this beautiful rainforest and I had the need to tell the Indian gentleman that I needed $40.00 on pump 6 . . . What the fuck was Boobly Boobly doing here . . . besides throwing me off my game. Hell no I don't want a Slurpee with that do I look like I need a Slurpee?!? Okay that's the end of the racial rant . . . I just couldn't help myself. We all reached the end of the Ditch where we dismounted the Cheerios that we had grown so fond of and soon realized the the Va Jay Jay's and Scrotum’s where quickly returning to normal . . . thank good we wouldn't need Genital Reconstructive Surgery at this point. We were all driven to a picnic area where there was a sandwich buffet bar where we were able to make our own sandwich . . . Fat people first as they were looking weak. Believe it or not I wasn't in the front of the line. I was actually one of the last ones and realized that how much like a tornado Fat People are in a buffet line . . . HOLY SHIT! There was even an announcement that is anyone had a special diet that there was Humus available . . . hmm I wonder who that was for . . . Boobly Boobly your order of Humus is ready . . . Bobbly Boobly your order of Humus is Ready! With lunch at the picnic area winding down there was time for a few pictures of the surrounding area which consisted of a swimming hole and abundant plant life ready for the photographing. We soon left to go back to the Kauai Back Country warehouse were we parted company with our guides and fellow adventurers. How we will miss our new for convenience store owner Boobly Boobly, but I know when I have a Slurpee I with think of him and his Indian ways.

With the adventure behind us it was back to the room to change and then to visit a local shopping center to see what bargains there were to be had. Well we soon found out that the shopping center caters to people with a shitload of money. Holy Shit! . . . $28 for a Fucking T-Shirt, $8 for a dozen eggs, $12 dollars for a six pack of beer . . . What the Fuck Is Going On! There was even quite a few Hawaiian Shirt for over $100 . . . and a bunch of art galleries, this should have been the dead giveaway that the Castaways were in the wrong shopping center that was for sure. We ate at the Poipu location of Bubba Burger followed by Dessert at Lappert's Ice Cream were we all had sundae's that were absolutely delicious and way too big to finish. What's this . . . tourists overindulging . . . The Hell You Say . . . And Yes We Did!!!

We returned to the timeshare and went on an evening walk toward the Hyatt to sit in the Cabanas and Swing on the Swings. During our walk we saw Cockroaches in the grass and the Cockroach eating toads dining like a fat fuck at a buffet . . . and yes the toads were huge. We also were lucky enough to see snails with huge sea shells on their backs . . . Way Cool. Dr. Doo Little (Joanie) was having a blast checking out the wildlife and taking pictures of the amazing bugs. We arrived to our humble abode and soon were greeted by the strong smell of cigarette smoke blowing into our living room via the balcony screen door. Great new neighbors . . . and they can't read all of the signs posted everywhere that smoking is prohibited. They must think that it doesn't apply to them or they don't know what “Prohibited” means. Well If I leave to have my Cigars . . . I'll be a Motherfucker if I am going to be quite while Donny Douchebag downstairs lights up and chain smokes like a fucking chimney . . . Oh It's On Like Donkey Kong BITCH!

That will have to wait until tomorrow because right now it's bed time . . .