From Cowboys To Coochie . . . WTF Is Going On?

Gilligan's log August 15th 2011 . . .

The day was began at 6:00am and welcomed by an awesome sunrise and a Rockstar beverage. The rest of the Castaways greeted the day shortly after and the plans for the day were made. The one thing that wasn't on the plans though was Joanie walking in on Dennis while he was changing into his man thong. Joanie was a little startled but was soon at ease when Dennis started his dance moves . . . who knew that he could be on Americas Got talent. Well I have a confession to make I made the whole man thong and dancing part up . . . but can you imagine if it really happened that way. She did walk in on him but he had his shorts on and was only flashing his upper man bits when she barged in.

Today the first order of business was to go on the timeshare 90 presentation. That's right we volunteered to go on the presentation because they were going to give us a two night three day free accommodations at Polo Towers in Las Vegas. In case you were wondering we also volunteered the Crow's to attend too . . . they were ecstatic too!

The presentation started at 10:30am and like good little Castaways we were 10 minutes early and ready to have fun. We received our name tags and I promptly mixed them up on purpose. Pam was Ray, Joanie was Dennis, I was Pam and last but not least Dennis was supposed to be Joanie but he refused as he thought he would become gay if he wore a woman's name tag. The name game quickly came to an end when I put on Pam's name tag and that's when it happened . . . my penis fell off. As it's well known it's all fun and games until someone loses a penis . . Okay not really. We met our tour guide Rebecca and made our introductions. She went around the group asking where we lived and what we did for a living and that's when my alter ego entered the picture and I became Carlos the Drug Dealer from Salida California and Dennis was my brother from another marriage . . . What? Rebecca just smiled and said oookay . . . I will need to work on my shock talk if I'm to shake her up.

We were lead to the “Sales Room”and were offered sugary snacks so we would have our guards down and would be easier to lull us into agreeing to buy something. Rebecca returned with four Kukui Nut Leis. She explained that we were about to do the Hono Hono ceremony. This was awesome I get to do the Horney Horney ceremony to my wife in a public place Woo Hoo!
The Horney Horney ceremony was a success and there we all sat . . . Our nuts just hanging out for all to see . . . Sweet! It was your typical sales pitch of a meeting . . . We said no . . . They made a offer . . . the Crow's said no . . . they made and offer. This went back and forth for about thirty minutes with me acting up the entire time referring to my nuts hanging out and asking to hold Dennis' nuts, all in all having a good time. I figured that life is too short and it is unlikely that I will ever get to show my Kukui nuts to Rebecca again.

With the sales bullshit behind us and with $150.00 of free gift certificates and free stay certificate in hand it was off to the room. Once there we needed to get waterproof cameras for our upcoming adventures. We decided to go to Kapaa' to the ABC Store as this is usually the cheapest place to get items like this. As we were entering Lihue it was announce on the radio that a large portion of Kapaa' was without power so that was that and we made a detour for Kmart. After the shopping it was off to our home away from home for a bite to eat before our SCUBA lesson at 4:00pm. We made sure that there was the customary 90 minutes between the time we were eating and the SCUBA lesson as we did not want Dennis to have cramps and drown in the four and a half foot water.

Well it was 3:45pm and it was time to learn everything we never wanted to know about SCUBA SCUBA DOO! Our instructor was a past military instructor and was PDI certified . . . whatever that meant . . . but we were all in good hands. The groups were set and we were off to get our learn on. We were all strapped into our gear and handed a mask. The instructor then proceeded to instruct us and we proceeded to listen. We learned some very valuable skills like breathing under water with a regulator, standing up in the four feet of water if we were to get in trouble at any time. We also learned a shit load of hand signals that would rivaled anything Helen Keller would have learned in her youth as well as a butt load of information regarding all of the buttons dials and gauges that were strapped to us. Pam admitted later that she was very nervous that she was going to push the wrong button and inadvertently inflate her vest thus launching her out of the pool like a submarine missile. While putting on our masks Joanie thought it would be a good idea to put the regulator hose in her mouth to hold it. That's when it happened. Her unruly chewing gum decided to attech itself to the hose and dangle like a bright blue stalagmite when she removed the hose from her mouth. Luckily for her the instructor was busy instructing and the incident was like a huge government cover up with Pam instructing Joanie to hurry up and swallow it . . . So she did. The giggles continued and the hopes were that she would blow a huge blue bubble underwater into her respirator. We all survived the class and all actually enjoyed it . . . yippee for Joanie's idea. We exited the pool to a brisk breeze that froze our giblets off so it was off to the bar to purchase some Blue Hawaii's. Blue Hawaii's in hand and we were off to the hot tub. We arrived at the hot tub

We arrived at the hot tub and there was a older couple already in the tub. They were barbequing as there are barbeque's in the area. The one thing that were were not aware of it that the woman was wearing big black Granny Panties instead of a swim suit bottoms . . . What the Fuck Batman! Who does this shit . . . seriously this isn't your back yard in Arkansas you fucking hillbilly. I guess her hubby must have though we were all enjoying her fine 60 year old ass as he made her cover her black lace covered camel toe with a beach towel . . . God Bless This Man! As if this wasn't enough of an appetite suppression, out came an Oompa Loompa cowboy from what was probably TEXAS! The belt buckle the size of a Turkey Platter and his black ten gallon hat were tale tell signs that he was a rootin' tootin' cowboy. He had what can only be described as a jiggly jello ass and kankles. He waddled when he walked and jiggled when he stopped. He proceeded to park his ass on a lounge chair where he presented his balls to Pam's view. That's right kiddies . . . his balls were showing. Oh my god there is a reason this is the adult spa area . . . this kind of shit would scar small children for life. Fuckin' Hell . . . I am now in need of therapy and want to gouge my minds eye out with a spoon . . . there are some things that you just can't “Unsee”. We headed back to the room all in a state of disbelief from what we had all been witness to.

Even though we had just witnessed a horrifying mixture of old Coochie and big old Texas sized balls we decide it was snack time. After the snack the girls decided to go on a “Walk About” to Shipwreck beach to see if they could spot any turtles or monk seals. They returned about an hour later with reports of huge wave slamming the rocks and turtles having one hell of a time swimming due to the violent surf. We ate dinner watched a little TV and then all decided to get some sleep as we had a busy day tomorrow that includes our four hour ATV Tour which promises to be a great time full of good stories for the blog. Until tomorrow . . .