All You Can Eat . . . Really

I had the opportunity to spend some quality time with my dad and youngest son today at a local "All You Can Eat" establishment. Which raised the question should you ever eat "All That You Can Eat"? My answer is a simple HELL NO!

Speaking from past experience, there was a time not too long ago when I was all about the "All You Can Eat" scene, but since I have been on my weight loss kick I think I have definitely changed my opinion that's for sure. During our outing I was witness to what I can only described as a display of "Human Parade Floats". There were so many enormous people that even I felt skinny. While it was a great ego boost it was very disconcerting. I mean damn there was a woman who actually had a "Fat Beard". that's right . . . you heard me . . . a Beard Made of FAT! There were also a lot of people that were in clothes that were literally busting at the seams. They were wearing clothing that was being stretched beyond it capabilities. This was a scary sight to say the least.

This establishment was definitely geared towards the "Obese Eating Machines". There were multiple selections of Cuisines available. There was Italian, Chinese, Grilled Food, Okie Food, and lets not forget the enormous desert section. There was also a huge salad section that was by far the least visited area in the entire establishment. To give you an idea how ridiculous the desert area was they had a chocolate fountain with various fruits and items that you could skewer and drench with chocolate. That's right they took a healthy item like fruit and turned it into a potential for a diabetic coma. Lets not forget that if there wasn't a cake or pie or pudding that didn't turn you into an instant diabetic there was always the cotton candy station where they would make you a huge wad of spun sugar that was sure to require a double shot of insulin.

My diet that I have been on since January that has shed 53 pounds from my once "Enormous Fat Ass", is one where I count carbs. This was out the question in a place like this, because there were so many carbohydrates to choose from. There were breads, potatoes of all kinds, rice, pasta and lets not forget the Fucking Cotton Candy! While I had my share of carbohydrates I did manage to avoid the draw of the pink insulation of death.

I can safely say that I will probably only visit this place for breakfast in the future. the simple reason for this statement is because the low carb lifestyle is better served with breakfast foods like eggs, bacon, sausage, cheese and any other meat the breakfast wizards can cook up. While I could have stuck with the meat section today . . . I simply didn't have that much self control . . . Plus this was a celebration of my fathers and my birthdays which are a day apart. While I feel an enormous amount of guilt for indulging in bad eating habits today, it will never be as enormous as the huge ass eating machines I witnessed.

So if you are in the mood to feel better about your weight then I recommend taking a trip to the Golden Corral in Modesto. I believe the name says it all. The name seems to suggest that the building contains huge bovines and by witnessing the people that were there today I would say it's not just suggested but a warning as what to expect once inside . . . Damn! So until we meet again just remember it's not okay to Eat All You Can Eat!!!

What Do You Mean Your Pussy Is Falling Out?!?

Holy Shit . . . My Pussy Is Falling Out . . . HELP!

That’s right, there apparently has been a recent rise in the amount of Panty Hamsters turning themselves inside out . . . What the Fuck is going on? I mean you can’t turn on the television without seeing a commercial for law suites involving surgeries where the trans-dermal vaginal mesh was implanted. That’s right doctors have installed little screen doors in the Va-jay-jay’s of the world. Which could definitely give new meaning to the phase “Banged her like a screen door”. I know the recent rise in tip toeing south of the boarder Pink Tacos can be attributed to the fact that the media has increased the amount of coverage of this condition. I know it is not a case of a Herd of Bearded Oysters migrating south for the winter in large numbers. I searched everywhere for an answer to my question, “What is happening to today’s Bikini Biscuits”?

A very wise woman brought up a very good point when she made the following comment; “How would you be able to tell that your Hush Puppy is falling out since most of them look like they are turned inside out as it is”. When you are right your right lady. There is even a surgery where they rejuvenate a woman’s vagina. What the hell is that about? I mean before you know it people are going to have grandmothers with great tits from implants and a pussy of a twenty year old . . . Is that hot or sick . . . Fuck if I know! At any rate all I can say is . . . Holy Shit I think this may be one of the signs of the apocalypse.

Well as luck would have it I work in the healthcare field and there are never a shortage of people to ask these types of burning questions. So here are a few of the questions and answers that I was given . . .

Q: Why is this condition happening all of a sudden?

A: It has happened for quite some time. “Back in the day” they would just sew it back into place. (What the hell are you talking about . . . Sew it back in place?) The doctor would just run a needle up a woman's Cooter and tack it into the abdominal muscles to hold it up! (All I can say is “Oh My God” if this happened to a guys ball sack he would commit suicide)

Q: What causes Cat Flaps to turn themselves inside out?

A: There are many reasons, ranging from C Section child births to weakened abdominal muscles from being pregnant. I think my favorite reason that I heard was that they are just showing off by turning themselves from a “Wonder Down Under” to a “Way Way Way Down Under Wonder” with a striking resemblance to Pretty Pink Mud Flaps better known as . . . “Meat Curtains.”

Q: Why install a screen door?

A: The screen door that they install will eventually have the tissue inside the Pink Taco grow into the mesh creating a “Screengina”. It's not because there is a Poon-Porch with a broken screen door like I thought . . . damn it!

Well with some of my preliminary questions answered I know now that it's everyone job to keep our collective eyes out for the “Runaway Twats” trying to escape. So for the woman who may think that she is starting to have a “Runaway Snatch” . . . Please Do Not Sneeze too hard.

Picture it . . . a poor woman afflicted with a Kamikaze Cockwash sneezes and her pretty pink parts puff out like a “Bubblegum Air Bag” between her legs. Damn if that wouldn't make you soil yourself. Keep in mind that if it was a Full Figured Gal it may just result is a Giant Pink Crotch Balloon that could suffocate small animals and children.

I think I have developed a game plan for a cure that men can help with. The cure consists of increasing sexual intercourse particularly PENETRATION with a secondary wave of kegel exercises. This method not only shoves the escaping parts back into place but strengthen the grip of the Sausage Wallet too. Either way you just can't go wrong with my cure . . . Enjoy!

Please remember . . . When playing her Baby Gap like a Pink Harmonica to treat it with the utmost care and respect because a Perky Punani is a terrible thing to waste . . . and she could take the Hairy Checkbook away when your not looking.

One Year Older . . . Whoop A De Doo!

Well I have arrived at the ripe old age of 46. That's right I'm on the verge of 50 . . . holy Shit! Well I'm here to tell my loyal readers that I don't care about my age because life is too short. I know this will sound cliche' but you are only as young as you feel . . . And I feel 30!

The one thing that I have found is that as you get older you definitely start to appreciate the simpler thing is life like a sunset, a song that brings back a memory from days gone by and lets not forget Sex . . . Woo Hoo! You definitely appreciate a nice piece of . . . Well lets just leave it at that. In these economic times I have had a greater appreciation of a rare thing called employment too!

Not a day goes by that I don't thank the creator for my loving wife, awesome kids, great friends that I would do anything for and everything that I have. I know that was a little more sentimental than most of my readers are used to . . . that is 46 talking. On a funnier note I am thinking of taking on a new pen name. The new pen name is "Mike Lee Torres". Say the name fast and you will understand my reason for contemplating this change.

Well as you can see by the time of this post it is time for this old timer to get to bed . . . Work tomorrow!

Social Media Wannabe Celebrities . . . Not ! ! !

I have been part of the social media network for quite some time now and there are a few things that bother me to the point that . . . you guessed it . . . I need to rant!

The first problem that I have come across is various people who use Facebook as a twitter forum. You know the people that I'm talking about. The ones that think everyone cares that they are eating spaghetti or going to bed . . . Who gives a shit! I know that sounds harsh but I think those comments are best posted on Twitter. After all that is what it was designed for. Don't get me wrong I like Facebook and the genuine updates that my friends post regarding their families friends and lives . . . Just stop telling everyone when you take a Shit!

The next thing that grates on my nerves is people who post things about their family members that later is found out to be lies. Who are they trying to impress by posting this bullshit in the first place. They are so busy stroking their own ego's they forget that they are hurting those people that will always be their for them . . . family.

The final thing that is on my last nerve is the wannabe Facebook celebrities. These are the people who are so full of themselves that they always post tales of how great they are and how great the things they do are. When in fact they are nothing more than blowhards that are so egotistical that they think the rest of us that are reading their posts are stupid enough to either believe the bullshit or even be the slightest bit impressed by them. Holy shit just how stupid do they think we are? Hell I know of one person that tells everyone how great he is and how everything he does is great. In reality this person is 46 years old, living with his mother, unemployed, and mooching off her all the while acting like he is a superstar.

I know . . . I know . . . He's holding out for a management position like cousin Eddie on Lampoon Vacation. This Assbag is the epitome of a waste of flesh and should be made to wear a sign the says " I'm a Grade A Assbag". Well I feel better now that I said my piece and anyone who knows me . . . I tend to have a sense of humor and usually can find something hilarious in just about everything . . . but this . . . I think not. Sorry!

Home Sweet Home . . . Back To The Grind . . .

Well we returned home on Saturday night and spent Sunday recupperating as expected. Monday morning came way too quickly that's for sure.

With the alarm screaming it's lovely ear piercing noise at me I soon realized the gravity of the situation . . . I was so not ready to have my vacation end . . . and at 5:45am to boot. I know you are wondering . . . did he snooze the alarm . . . Hell yes I did.

I got ready for work in a haze of "what the hell". Packed my all important supply of Rockstar Energy Drinks and was out the door to face the first day back at work after two weeks in paradise . . . Shit this was going to be a long day.

I arrived at work and had to transport all of my training supplies to the training room. Did I mention my first three days back to work involved teaching three CPR classes . . . Well it did! Needless to say the first three days back to work involved very little in the way of "catching up". It was mainly, show up early to set up, teach, training room tear down . . . repeat!

So as far as I'm concerned my first day back to actual work was Thursday. Thursday involved reading 462 emails and following through with the required responses and/or action. With a fulough day on friday and some emails two weeks old, I thought I would "just get this done". Success . . . I got them all done. This proves that I must not be the typical County Employee.

To sum up my week . . . It wasn't too bad . . . but it's not Kauai! I will be moving there as soon as I can find a job that can support us there . . . count on it!!!

The Castaway's Cast Off For Home . . .

Gilligan's Log Saturday August 27th 2011 . . .

Well the day has finally arrived . . . and too soon if you ask me . . . time to go home. We all woke up at about 5:30an and all in a rather quite mood. It was hard to discern whether it was from the island kicking all of our assess over the past couple of weeks or if it was from the sadness of leaving our island paradise. Either way we made our way through our morning rituals quietly. With our bags packed we were off to the S.S. Escape for the last time. We packed all of out suitcases filled with memories and a few less things that we had originally brought with us in order to make room for those new memories. With the S.S. Escape loaded to the roof with all of our shit we were off to the airport.

We arrived at the airport in about a half an hour and I dropped the other three Castaway off curbside and drove the drop off the S.S. Escape back at the rental car area. The process went by rather quickly and before you knew it I was reunited with the rest of the Castaway's. We entered the Hawaiian Airlines terminal . . . Let the Cluster Fuck begin! The signage was pure Shit and very confusing to say the least! We stood in the line for about 5 minutes that had a sign the said “web check in” to ask an employee if we were in the right line. He told me that if I didn't have boarding passes from online then I had to do the counter check in at a different line . . . Great we had to relocate . . . F#CK! (That Number One) Then we found out that we had to send out checked baggage through Agricultural Inspection . . . Great we had to relocate . . . F#CK (Number two). We sent our checked bags through the Agricultural Inspection station pineapple and coconut detection machine . . . which I was sure was sent from the future . . . I just can't prove it. We finished this step of the check in process and then met up with the girls who were at the time being placeholder in line as there was no way in hell I was giving up any more line space. We finally got to the front on this line when a Hawaiian Airlines Employee took us to the “Web Check In” area where we had been 20 minutes earlier . . . F#CK! (Number three). She walked us through the whole process from start to finish and only took about only 10 minutes. It was now of to the security portion of the check in process. We did the security routine where they performed a X-ray scan on me, scanned my laptop with another machine, they cupped my balls, squeezed Joanie's left boob which must have looked suspicious, they scanned Pam's shoes and went through Dennis' suitcase and confiscated his smuggled Hawaiian hair spray . . . what the hell . . . he was smuggling in hair spray? Actually he didn't have room in his memories stuffed suitcase so he put it in his carry on . . . oops that was a mistake. Now it was on to a strip search for Dennis. The poor bastard would now have to endure the finger in the butt inspection all over a can of hairspray . . . Bummer . . . F#CK! (Number Four). After Dennis had cleaned the K-Y Jelly from his ass we were off to find our terminal from which we would be departing from in about an hour. We soon boarded the flight to Honolulu and we now on our first leg of the journey home. A quick taxi and we were airborne. Beverage service began and ended at about the same time . . . total time in the air was about 20 minutes . . . I had a hell of a time chugging my hot ass coffee . . . F#CK! (Number Five). We arrived at Honolulu and had a bite to eat and I completed the blog for yesterday. After a couple of hours we decided to press on to our gate for departure . . . What A HUGE CLUSTER F#CK!!!! the crowd was enormous and spread all over the place like on big mass of cultural diarrhea . . . F#CK! (Number Six). After a sea of rude asshole shoved there way passed us like the plane was going somewhere without them they finally called our rows and we boarded the CLUSTER F#CK EXPRESS TO O-TOWN . . . ALL ABOARD!

The flight to O-Town was not bad with a good movie and not so awful airline food. We arrived in O-Town at 9:15pm let the next Cluster Fuck begin . . . Baggage Claim . . . F#CK! (Number Seven). I can take that last F#CK back as the baggage claim went very smoothly . . . Who would have guessed! We had bags in hand and were off to the shuttle pick up location. We had to wait about ten minutes for the shuttle . . . oh yeah did in mention we were dressed for Hawaii and it was 57 degrees and night time . . . holy shit out came the jackets. The shuttle arrived and we sped back to our hotel where the S.S. Durango was parked . . . hopefully still parked . . . with gas in it. After the short drive from the airport we arrived at the hotel and I'm happy to report that everything was as we left it. We loaded our numerous bags of memories and were off to Modesto. As we left the hotel parking lot we realized that Dennis had forgotten how to drive as he locked the brakes on the S.S. Durango up. He said “Something is wrong with the brakes” . . . screech! With a minor . . . screech . . . adjustment . . . screech . . . period . . . screech . . . we were safely on the highway to home. It was very evident that we were not in Kauai anymore . . . holy shit people really do drive fuckin' fast here. We were damn near ran off the road at 70+ miles an hour and we were almost a witness in a terrible accident between a truck towing a car and a handicapped persons van on highway 120 . . . Welcome Back To Cali-f#cking-fornia. We arrive back at the Little House in one piece, we unloaded our bags and had a group hug and said our farewells.

We all had a great time and I am sad that it's over. The plus side is that in 14 months it will be time to book the next trip to Kauai and we can all do it again . . .

MAHALO ~

A Train Ride And A Tattoo . . . What the Hell Is Next . . .

Gilligan's Log Friday August 26th 2011 . . .

Everyone greeted the day at around 7:30am. We were all showing signs of how the island has kicked our assess over the past two weeks. Pam with her kiddie lagoon injuries, Joanie with the bruise on the bottom of her foot (Still can't figure out how that happened), Dennis with his bruise on his upper arm and me with my swollen feet. I apparently am retaining water as my period must be on the horizon. Either way we were are getting around a slower now. The agenda was finalized and consisted of a train ride tour of the Kilohana plantation, then a lounging day by the pool for the girls while me and Dennis went into Kapaa' to get some ink.

We left the timeshare and turned in the snorkel gear that we had rented the day before, then it was off to the spouting horn so Joanie could get her last minute purchase that she didn't get the last time we were here. The best thing about this shopping excursion is that it was a quick in and out because Joanie knew what she wanted and where it was . . . Bingo . . . Bango . . . Bongo! After the shopping we were off to the Choo Choo at the plantation. We arrived early like good little tourists. We enjoyed the train ride especially the stop at the mid point of the tour where we all got off the train to get a chance to feed the wild board and pet goats. Wild pigs . . . really . . . pigs that are fed every hour on the hour . . . wild . . . my ass. These were the best trained wild boars that I have ever seen. We soon were back on board and finished the train ride without incident. We completed the plantation visit with a tour of the huge plantation house with all of it's gift shops tucked in through out the damn place. Please don't buy anything else Joanie . . . Please!!!!

After the train ride we returned to the room and tried our best to eat all of the remaining food. The list of food that we had to try and finish was as follows:

7 bags of assorted potato chips in various stages of consumption from unopened to half full.
12 hot dogs
1 ½ pounds of smoked turkey lunch meat
1 pound of various sliced cheeses
1 ½ pound of barbequed pork tender loin
1 ½ loafs of bread
1 box of Cheerio's
10 frozen waffles
½ of a box of granola bars
2 strawberry pop-tarts
12 pack of Coors Light
5 various sodas
2 pounds of pistachios
¾ of a box of vanilla wafers
and two frozen peach daiquiris . . .

I can't believe we finished it all in just over two hours. Well we actually fell a little short. Well actually truth be told we fell a lot short . . . Hell we didn't even put a dent in the food and drink that we had left. After of pig fest it was time to pay my island buddy Moon Lake a visit and see about a little new ink.

The new ink wasn't for me . . . I know . . . I know hard to believe huh? The ink was for Dennis who wanted to get a tattoo while he was here on the island and who best to give it to him than Moon. The anticipation was building as Dennis filled out the required paper work or a Death Disclaimer just like the rest of our adventures on the island. The set up was complete the time was here and I even brought my camera along to get some action shots and possibly video of the entire event. With the anticipation at it's peak and with Moon revving the tattoo gun . . . the phone rang . . . Damn Dennis had to wait just a bit longer. With Moon's phone conversation over, the first line was struck in his upper right arm. Dennis' comment . . . that's not so bad. I just told him to wait there was more to come and that was just the first of many lines to be drawn. Dennis was a real trooper with barely a tear shed and only cried out one time. Actually he didn't do any of that but it sounded like a good story. He actually did real good and can bee seen in the pictures and videos that will be uploaded later this weekend. The tattoo only took one hour. After the tattoo we returned to the timeshare where Dennis could show his new ink off to the girls. He was hesitant at first to bust through the door and scream “Look at me” . . . 'Look at me”. He finally unveiled his scorpion tattoo to the girls to a standing ovation and a generous round of applause. A toast was made to his new found “Bad Boy” persona. Damn . . . first he was crowned the “Boogie King” and now he's a “Bad Ass” . . . Shit next it a Harley Davidson . . . Woo Hoo! After the unveiling still fresh in the air I thought it would be a good idea to get Dennis out of the room . . . I mean I took Dennis for a celebratory beer at the point.

After enough time had gone by . . . I mean after we finished our beverage and my cigar we headed back to round up the girls and head out to the local burger joint for a fast dinner. Everyone, except Pam was thrilled about the table location as it appeared to be in Gecko central. Pam has grown rather fond of the little bastard lizards. She has had one run across her foot and even damn near put her hand on one when we were scouting through the rocks. Needless to say . . . She loves them like a new tattoo! After dinner it was back to the room for a quick nights sleep. Tomorrow is our travel home day and will be the final entry in the Castaway's trip blog. I will be uploading pictures and the tattoo video on Sunday so remember to visit one last time

until then . . . Mahalo for reading . . .

The Boogie King Strikes Again . . .

Gilligan's Log Thursday August 25th 2011 . . .

Joanie and I had applied plenty of sunscreen before going to bed as a precaution against an early morning sunburn as out windows were open and the sun here in Kauai can be an unforgiving bitch. The sun and roosters both woke us at 5:45am and we were out of bed by 6:00am, ready to greet the day. It wasn't long and the maintenance man was at our door to investigate the claims of the rouge AC unit in our room. After a short conversation with Joanie who was kind enough to explain the ungodly noises that emanated from the AC unit last night and a quick once over of the unit, he promised that a new unit would be installed today. For today's agenda it was agreed that we would do a beach day part two. So after a quick breakfast and a packing of the ice chest we were of to see if the Boogie King could rip up the surf at one of the east side beaches he had seen in our north shore excursion yesterday.

After a short drive we arrived at Kealia Beach where the waves were definitely plentiful. It should be an impressive display from the Boogie King as the conditions were perfect for his style of boarding. We picked our spot on the beach and the Boogie King readied himself for his exhibition. Board . . . Check . . . Flippers . . . Check . . . Sunscreen On . . . Check . . . Cool Sun Glasses On . . . What . . . Well Okay . . . Check. So the Boogie King was off into the surf . . . Ooops . . . He lost a flipper two steps in . . . SHIT! Boogie King readjusted and was now off into the surf when the first wave crashed into him knocking his cool looking sunglasses askew, making him look . . . well . . . not so cool. The Boogie King made his way back to beach to hand off his cool looking sunglasses as they had now become a hazard to his performance. Once he had everything in order it was back into the surf for the Boogie King. He paddled and kicked his way out to what he felt was a good location to begin shredding the waves and he picked out his first victim. The wave built behind him . . . the Boogie King began to kick his flippers really hard . . . the wave was now right on top of him . . . What awesomeness did the Boogie King have in store for us . . . Then without warning the wave passed him by. He paddled and kicked his way out to reset himself in the previous location to begin shredding the waves and he picked out his next victim. The next wave built behind him . . . the Boogie King began to kick his flippers really hard again . . . the wave was now right on top of him . . . What awesomeness did the Boogie King have in store for us . . . Then again without warning the wave passed him by . . . What the Fuck Was going On . . . The waves were simply not cooperating with Boogie King. You could see the look change on his face and that he meant business . . . Or it may have been that he was completely out of breath . . . either way he looked serious! He paddled and kicked his way back out to the location to begin shredding the waves and he picked out his next bitch of a wave. The wave built behind him . . . the Boogie King began to kick his flippers really hard . . . the wave was now right on top of him . . . What awesomeness did the Boogie King have in store for us this time . . . Then without warning the wave scooted him forward towards the shore then quickly passed him by . . . Son Of A Bitch! So the Boogie King, now apparently exhausted made his way to the beach to take a well deserved break from the wave bitches of the sea. While we were standing there going over his strategies and discussing his form and style points we were approached by a life guard. He asked if the Boogie King was experienced. The Boogie King felt bad for the life guard as he did not know him from his Boogie Boarding career and fame, so he let the poor life guard off easy and just told him that he wasn't experienced, to save the life guard any further embarrassment. The life guard proceeded to inform the Boogie King that he had the wrong king of flippers on, which we felt the the life guard was jealous that he didn't have his own really cool set of rented flippers to wear. He then told the Boogie King that his Wal-Mart Boogie Board wouldn't last, because one good wave would snap it in half. I beg to differ, I just witnessed the Boogie King take on three bitchin' waves and the board was none the worse for wear. Granted the waves just passed him by but that's not the point. The life guard said a good wave would snapped the Wal-Mart board in half . . . Bullshit! The life then asked him to please perform his boarding skills in front of the life guard stand. This was awesome, the life guards wanted him to perform his wave riding skills for them so they could see his bad ass tricks. The Boogie King was not about to disappoint his fans, so we walked down the beach to the life guard stand to oblige them, they were fans after all. In order to step his game up the Boogie King cast of the flippers . . . he didn't need no stinking flippers! The Boogie King check everything and insured his equipment was ready. Once he had everything in order it was back into the surf for the Boogie King. He paddled and kicked his way out to what he felt was a new good location to begin shredding the waves and he picked out his first victim. The wave built behind him . . . the Boogie King began to kick his flipper-less feet really hard . . . the wave was now right on top of him . . . What awesomeness did the Boogie King have in store for the life guards to witness . . . Then without warning the wave passed him by . . . you have got to be fucking kidding me . . . foiled again!. Not to be discouraged because he is the all and powerful Boogie King. He paddled and kicked his way out to reset himself in the previous location to begin shredding the waves and he picked out his next victim. The next wave built behind him . . . the Boogie King began to kick his flipper-less feet really hard again . . . the wave was now right on top of him . . . What awesomeness did the Boogie King have in store for us . . . Then again without warning the wave passed him by . . . What the Fuck Was going On . . . The waves were simply not cooperating with Boogie King again. You could see that he meant business once again. . . Or it may have been that he was completely out of breath again . . . either way he looked serious again! He paddled and kicked his way back out to the location once again to begin shredding the waves and he picked out his next bitchin' wave. The wave built behind him . . . the Boogie King began to kick really hard . . . the wave was now right on top of him . . . What awesomeness did the Boogie King have in store for us this time . . . Then without warning the wave scooted him forward towards the shore then quickly passed him by . . . Son Of A Bitch! The Boogie King, now apparently totally exhausted made his way to the beach to take a well deserved break from his performance. As the Boogie King's photographer I must say I was able to get some really impressive action shots of the Boogie King in action. These shots can actually be confused for serious wave shredding and is a type of trick photography not to be confused with photography of tricks . . . see the difference. The photographs can be purchase and are suitable for framing. For no extra fee the Boogie King may be convinced to autograph your very own copy.

With the awesomeness known as the Boogie King bidding farewell to his east shore fans we packed up our items and headed for Lydgate Beach Park to snorkel in the lagoon. We arrived at the park and picked our spot on the beach, ate a snack and then it was into the lagoon to snorkel. Flippers, masks and snorkels were donned and the Castaway's were off to look for fish in the lagoon and they were not disappointed. The snorkeling was great fun and nobody was injured or drowned, all in all it was a good day at the lagoon. We caught a few rays and all worked on our Hawaiian Glow. We decided to head back to the timeshare and have a chip buffet lunch. When the hell did we buy 12 different types of chips? We dinned like four crack addicts hooked on chips and dip. We had our fill and then decided to go on a walk to burn off the carbohydrates. Dennis and I decided to take the girls on a cliff exploration walk.

So we were off for the cliffs, but not before I gave a safety talk about what were about to expose the girls to. Pam seemed a little apprehensive, but then who could blame her she did fall victim to the rocks at the kiddie lagoon earlier in the trip. This was a flash back time for her I was sure of it. We administered a mild sedative to calm her nerves and then we were off. We walked to the point were many a cigar and beer were consumed during this vacation. We proceeded over the cliff edge to explore the lava rock shelves below. The girls did great aside from a few “Are you fucking crazy” comments they were real troopers. We explored the area for about 90 minutes and saw everything from awe inspiring waves to turtles frolicking in the rough surf. It was great and I was glad that the girls were lucky enough to experience the lava shelves. We headed back to the room, made a quick costume change and we were off to the ABC store . . . Again!
We went to the harbor location of the ABC store for a few last minute souvenirs. The was a massive cruise ship in port for an island visit. This ship was HUUUGGEEE! After our shopping excursion it was time for dinner at another local restaurant. The food and service was excellent and the portions were huge.

We arrived back at the ranch and all showered . . . not together . . . and it was a quick visit then off to bed.

Tomorrow will be our last day on the island and will include a train ride tour of the Kilohana Plantation and should be fun . . .

Northshore . . . BBQ . . . Fire Fire Fire!

Gilligan's Log Wednesday August 24th 2011 . . .

We all must have been pretty tired as we slept until 7:30am this morning . . . right through the crowing roosters and all. Once up and about we did our various morning rituals such as blogging, breakfast and picture reviews of the previous days adventures. The agenda today was the north shore trip to visit Princeville and Hanalei and everything in between.

We we packed an ice chest with some drinks and left the homestead for the first stop . . . Costco Gas Station. After fueling up the S.S. Escape we were off to our adventure. We took a leisurely drive along the east coastline through familiar towns such as Lihue' and Kapaa' and wound up at our first stop . . . The Lighthouse at Kilaluea. There were more pictures taken from the scenic vista area of the point where the lighthouse site and it was a spectacular view. We then decided to spring for the $5 per person to walk out to the point where the lighthouse is an look at some Boobies. That's right boys and girls we saw Boobies and even took some pictures of a really nice pair of Boobies. . . Red Footed Boobies That Is . . . Get your minds out of the gutter! We spent about 45 minutes taking pictures and visiting the gift shop / museum. Dennis was trying to get pictures of the Boobies but was a little apprehensive because of the size of the piles of bird shit that scattered the grounds. If a Boobie shit directly on you, you stood the chance of being knocked on your ass . . . Holy Shit that there is a lot of POOP! However the blog readers would not be lucky enough to read about Dennis or anyone of the Castaway's being shit on by a Boobie . . . I know . . . DAMN! There were some really cute chicks that we got some closeup pictures of, we couldn't help ourselves. The two we got pictures of were a little on the young side but what the hell there mom wasn't around . . . I'm still talking about birds people. Honestly Dennis and I are respectable married gentlemen what the Hell did you think I was talking about . . . shame on you! We left the Kilaluea Lighthouse and drove further up the coast to visit various beaches like Anini Beach and Tunnels Beach and along the way I drove on a back road until it came to a dead end. This road offered up some very cool photo opportunities along the way too.

We went over numerous one lane bridges and finally wound up at the end of the road . . . literally the end of the road. On Kauai the road around the island doesn't actually connect there is about an 8 to 10 mile of the Napali coast that can only be seen from the ocean. Right towards the end of the road we stopped and took pictures of two caves, one wet and one dry. Dennis and I walked all the way into the back of the dry cave which was about 100 feet deep to the back wall. I was dark and very creepy. The fact that an entire mountain is above you is eerie to think about, and with all of these freak earth quakes they have been having all over the world . . . It was time to get the hell out of the cave. We went back to the S.S. Escape to begin the journey back to the south shore and the first thing that Dennis did was he broke into his emergency stash of granola bars. This was the signal that one of the Castaway's was in distress and was now time to have lunch. We headed back to civilization to find him a Pizza, and a Pizza we did find. We had lunch a Hanalei Pizza, home of the table size large pizza. Our Pizza happened to be of the pepperoni variety, and it was delicious. After lunch we all walked around for a bit at the little mall area where the Pizza place was. There were no major purchases or anything funny to report here.

We wound our way back down the north and then east shores of the island and decided that there were a few things that we needed to round out our planned dinner of grilled pork tenderloin. So we decided to stop at Safeway . . . you know the whole “Club Card Savings”. We needed the fix-in’s for dinner like potatoes for baking, french bread and butter for the potatoes. We arrived in the produce section of Safeway and the girls picked out four baking potatoes that when weigh and the math completed would cost just over $10 for the four potatoes. You have got to be fucking kidding me . . . We must have found the God Damn lost Golden Potatoes of King Kamehameha . . . HOLY SHIT BETTY CROCKER! As you readers can probably imagine there was no way that we were going to pay over $10 for a starchy side dish . . No Fucking Way, Kiss My Ass, Bullshit, Son Of A Bitch and a big HELL NO! We opted for frozen potatoes and purchased two good sized bags of roasted potatoes for only $7. With our provisions in hand and the shock from the King Kamehameha potato incident we made our way to the checkout where our cashier's name Fucking Bitch. During our check out process the girls informed them that we had our club cards but forgot them back at the Timeshare and if we could just use our phone number instead. She immediately asked if we had the cards for a while both girls answered yes as we each had the cards for about 10 years. Joanie gave our phone number first and our cashier Fucking Bitch in her snottiest attitude proceeded to tell Joanie that that was not a valid number and if there was another number associated with the card. Hell no you stupid bitch we have had the same card and number for about 10 years . . . Ass! It was Pam's turn, and behold the Fucking Bitch once again in her snottiest attitude possible delivered the whole “Denied, Not Valid, Fucking No-Worky” lines as before. As if her fucking attitude wasn't enough she gave me brilliant instruction that maybe I should call Safeway . . . No Shit . . . Do You Think! So now not only has she become the S.S. Fucking Bitch she is insulting me by telling me to call Safeway . . . You Fucking C*nt . . . that's right I said it . . .C#NT! It was everything I could do to not have a rip shit of a fit and call shenanigans and that I want to see a manager you Fat Fucking Bitch . . . But I was a good boy. We filled out another Club Card application and now we have one in Kauai. Oh happy happy joy joy a chance to come back and visit Ms. Bitchy Pants again . . . I can hardly wait!

We left Safeway and headed back to the timeshare where after about an hour, dinner preparations were underway . . . Dennis on the grill . . . and the girls cooking up a side dish storm in the kitchen. Dennis was approached by a African American family who was inquiring as to what he was barbequing and if any was for sale. That's right you heard me . . . they wanted to buy food from Dennis. That's when Dennis decided to open up his roadside grillin' station known as Dennis' Grillin' Grub Hut. Walk up orders began to fly in and orders were filled by his topless waitresses and he even was able to obtain an instant liquor license and was serving beer, wine and Mai Tai's by the close of business . . . NOT! He did however denied the request to sell some of the tenderloin. Although in hind sight he could have sold half of the meat as we now have more tenderloin that we know what to do with. Dinner was Awesome and we all had our fill of great food. With dinner clean up and the dishes done we settled down to watch Jurassic Park. How fitting that we are on the island that it was filmed on too! It wasn't long before we heard a massive HISS like the Velociraptor in the movie . . . Pam went onto the balcony to investigate . . . HISSSS . . . Pam Jumped back. That's when she informed us that it was the AC unit in our room was hissing. Joanie went in a shut it off to give it a rest. We all lasted about another hour and we all decided it was bed time. Once in our respective room it was time to turn the AC back on. With a hiss and a shake it was off and running sounding like an old model T car breaking apart. After a few shudders and violent shakes that's when Joanie decided that she should shut it off. She got up turned on the light and shut the AC unit off. She then exclaimed . . . It's Smoking! I said no it's probably just cold compressed air from the compressor, but it soon became apparent by the smell of ozone from the burning electrical components that . . . HUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM! I sprung into action and unplugged the unit and ripped the front cover off of the AC unit to see if I could see what was burning. I was not able to identify the source of the smoke. Joanie called the front desk to report the incident and the work order has been placed with maintenance. We opened up all of our windows and were on a short 45 minute fire watch then we fell a sleep. I can imagine what time we will wake up tomorrow with all the windows open we may want to put sunblock on to avoid an early morning sunrise sunburn.

Well until we awake tomorrow or the middle of the night due to a structure fire Gilligan Out . . .

Spouting Horn . . . What The Hell Is A Spouting Horn . . .

Gilligan's Log Tuesday August 23rd 2011 . . .

When we last left our caped Castaway's they had completed their Tubing Adventure of the Jurassic Park Looking Area and by the end of the evening they were all fast asleep. Then just like clockwork the crow of the chickens to greet another beautiful day in paradise. Today's agenda would include Spouting Horn, Tropical Botanical Gardens, and Lydgate Beach Park to play in the Lagoon . . . A Pam Safe Lagoon.

Well after blogging and breakfast we were off on or day's adventures. First stop Spouting Horn. This is a lava tube that was formed millions of years ago. The unique thing about this lava tube is that when the waves crash into the shore it forces a column of water to shoot up and out of the lava tube gust like Old Faithful in Yellowstone . . . Except at the Ocen. The best thing about this natural wonder according to Joanie is the fact that there is a really cool fle market where a bunch of locals take advantage that the tourists come here over and over just like a bunch of waves crashing into the shore . . . only with open wallets. Yippeeee more shopping! After the pictures and videos were taken of the natural wonder the shopping continued. As a matter of fact I don't even think Pam & Joanie went to see the Spouting Horn but were taken in by the attraction known as the Flea Market . . .

Well after the Spouting Horn visit we were off to the Botanical Gardens to see about taking a tour to take some more amazing pictures of wild tropical plants. We arrived at the gardens after a 500 foot drive . . . damn that was quick. We parked and were immediately impressed by the garden area surrounding the parking lot and the pathway to the gift shop and area where you signed up for the tours. We took a shit load of pictures of these areas as there were amazing foliage everywhere. While I was taking pictures of the picnic area the rest of the Castaway's went into the gift shop / tour area to check on tour prices. When we met up just a short time later I was greeted by a great big group . . . HELL NO I DON'T THINK SO! It was $20 per person for the ability to walk through the gardens and guide yourself through to the end. That would be $80 for our group to be able to take pictures of plants . . . Who the hell pays that much to walk and take pictures. Don't even get me started about the tram ride and guided tours, although they were more expensive at least you got a ride and a guide. As you probably guessed we left the gardens without dropping $80 . . . The girls would rather spend that shopping . . . Oh wait . . . they already did!

We we off to Lydgate Beach Park, but first we had to make a detour for lunch. We decided to not go with a burger but to try something different. So I was looking for a local dive to try. As we drove around the rest of the Castaway's gave their commentary which ranged from “I'm Not Fucking Eating There” to “I Don't Fucking Think So” and I think I even heard a “What The Fuck Is Po's Kitchen?”. Well I finally just pulled into a place called Dani's . . . Not to be confused with Denny's. This was a hole in the wall which offered Hawaiian, American and Japanese cuisine. What a way to begin the afternoon portion of our day. There we sat on the verge of what could prove to be a colon exploding experience should something be amiss with the food. We all agreed that we would all have the special as the waitress was nice enough to point out the dish on the neighboring diners plate when we asked what came with the Garlic Chicken. It actually looked rather good and safe. Although you know what they say about the specials . . . It's a restaurants way of getting rid of old food on the verge of turning into a case of food poisoning . . . let's hope not! So with fingers crossed we ate the specials with a strict pact that if anyone in the group was to have any signs of gastric disturbances they were to alert the group as this very well could end up in a literal Shit Storm!

We arrived at Lydgate Beach Park and slopped on the sunblock for what promised to be a day of relaxation and easy ocean play in the lagoon for any of the Castaway's that may have had issues with ocean play in the past . . . I'm not mentioning any names Pam so don't think it's you that I'm referring to. Dennis was chomping at the bit to try his new Boogie Board so I took him to the Big Boy Beach because the Lagoon had no waves. We hiked just short way to the wavy beach and it was now time for Boogie Man Dennis to experience Boogie Boarding for the first time. Dennis entered the ocean and soon found out that to paddle out to where the waves were rising and could get a Boogie Boarder moving was a Holy Shit of a chore. It was a series of five paddles forward and three paddles worth moving back towards the beach, five paddles forward and three paddles worth moving back towards the beach . . . Over again. When he got where he thought the waves would take him speeding towards shore he turn towards the shore and kicked his feet, only to find that you have to really kick like your life depended on it because with only slight kicking you barely went anywhere. You did however go just far enough to make it a pain in the ass to get back to where you started . . . more paddling and kicking Dennis . . . You can Do It! I was his personal cheerleader . . . Give Me A “D” . . . Give Me A “E” . . . Give Me A “N” . . . Give Me A “N” . . . Give Me A “I” . . . Give Me A “S” . . . Go DENNIS! The construction workers on the bridge behind me must have thought we were a Gay Couple. I didn't care my friend was facing the dangers of sharks and deadly rip currents to get his Boogie on and I was there for him. The little engine that could tried again . . . Strike two! He turned around again Paddle, Paddle, Paddle and oh yeah Paddle! Here comes the wave, Dennis lined up, He turned, he began to paddle and kick like a shark was up his ass, the wave was upon him, the wave started to push him . . . could this be the one . . . nope . . . the wave let him go. He was spent and decide to paddle in to the beach. On the way in he caught a little wave and I even was able to snap an action photo of this and as far as everyone is concerned, except for those of you reading this, he rode this 7 foot wave into the shore from 100 yards out . . . Dennis Is The Fucking Boogie King!!!(Not to be confused with the Burger King)

After a short period to recuperate we headed back to the lagoon to see how the girls were doing. The girls were doing great and nobody had suffered and injuries . . . I'm not talking about you Pam . . . don't be so paranoid. We all entered the lagoon only to find out that Dennis can't float on his back. He sinks like he has lead in his ass. The girls talked him through the whole arch your back and relax portion of the back floating lesson . . . and there he was float for two seconds then sink. We needed to get floaties for Dennis but not even the little toddlers had any we could borrow . . . damn everyone keep your eyes on Dennis just in case. We soaked up the sun and relaxed for a while. We decided it was time to leave and head back to the timeshare, but not before more shopping. This time we went to Hilo Hatties. You can't make a trip to the islands without a visit to both Hilo Hatties and the ABC Store. The shopping lasted about 45 minutes and bargains of all kinds were found . . . NOT! This shopping trip was over $100 . . . DAMN! With the shopping trip done we agreed that the only way to recuperate from the days event was a nice soak in the spa and drinks . . . Did I mention Drinks? I went to the spa with my beers in hand while the rest of the Castaway's went to the poolside bar to purchase a happy hour Mai Tai. We soaked in the spa for about 45 minutes taking about the days event and smelling the BBQing that was going on all around. We couldn't take it any more . . . It was time to grill. The male Castaway's grilled some hot dogs while the girls prepared a salad and chili to round out the chili dog feast that was about to take place.

With dinner and dishes done we watched what had to be the most pathetic episode of America's Got Talent . . . Bullshit They Do! Every act was in the semi final round and they should have all been performing in the Special Olympics, and even then I think they would have lost . . . they all Blew Dog! It was like watching a car accident . . . you know it's bad but you can't help yourself. After the hour and many acts that ranged from a woman singing upside down while playing a piano, to a gay disco ball of a singer, and even a bunch of dancers who had light up suits that didn't light up . . . Wow What Talent. It was now time to cal it a night we all turned in to a well deserved sleep. Tomorrow we venture to the North Coast. So come back and see what the Castaway's get themselves into . . .

Tubing Time . . . And Who The Hell Is Smoking . . .

Gilligan's Log Tuesday August 23rd 2011 . . .

Well today is the day the Castaways go “Tubing”. . . that's right “Tubing”. This being our last scheduled adventure the group was definitely excited for the adventure to begin. The girls prepared an awesome bacon and egg with hash browns and toast breakfast to start our day . . . Yummm! After breakfast and a quick clean up everyone got ready with sunscreen and swimsuits and with plenty of time to kill before we left and with everyone already finished getting ready we watched a movie on television until it was time to leave. We arrived at Kauai Back Country Adventures and changed into our water shoes in preparation for our adventure. We did our check-in process, signed more of those death release forms, and waited to receive further instructions.

Okay so Tubing you Say . . . For those of you who don't know what this is about it's a 2 ½ mile lazy float through old irrigation canals on an old sugar cane plantation. These “Ditches”flow through some of the most beautiful tropical rainforest around and the bast thing is that about 95% of the trip winds through winding tunnels. Some of the tunnels are as long as ¾ of a mile in length and all pitch black. Not t o fear however they outfit you with helmets with lights on them so you can see a glimpse of the walls and the bats as they wiz past you at break neck speeds. Actually it's only a couple of miles an hour but in the dark it seems like you are hauling ass.

Well it was time to get our gear checked out to us. The outfit of the day os swim suits, water shoes, gloves and a lovely helmet with a light. They load us into huge vans and drives us into the middle of the rainforest for this adventure. If you were just looking into the van and didn't know any better you would think they were taking a van load of retarded people for a day in the forest. There we all sat in the van with out helmets on . . . some with their gloves on . . . some with their helmet light on. There we were the Special Olympics rafting team ready to strike. We arrived to the launch site after a bumpy ass ride that lasted about ½ an hour. There was a safety talk given by one of the guides which ended with . . . If all fails . . . Stand Up. That's right the Ditch was only about 2 ½ feet deep. As a matter of fact one of the instructions that may be called out during the adventure is “Butts Up” which indicated places where you may damage your ass by dragging it on the bottom of the Ditch. There were a few more instructions as well such as “Elbows and Ankles In”, “Push and Shove”, “Light's On” and “Lights Off”. All of them pretty self explanatory too. They informed us that the water temperature would be invigorating to say the least and that's when one of the adventurers asked if they had a wet suit jacket the she could wear. The guide just sat there looking at the Ra'tard in disbelief, and proceeded to just simply say “I'm speechless . . . and No we don't”. With that out of the way let the adventure begin . . .

We were all led down a short path to a bunch of blue and yellow tubes floating in the Ditch. They resembled a bunch of multicolored Cheerios. We were all set in our Cheerios and soon found out what invigorating meant. It meant that the Va Jay Jay's and the Scrotum’s of the Tuber's would become numb and even possibly freeze and fall off before the adventure was over. This gave a new meaning to “Blue Balls” that for sure. After a short period of adjustment where everyone’s anus slammed shut we were released down the ditch. There we all were bouncing off the sides of the ditch and off of each other in a type of bumper boat parade. As we sat in our Cheerios and bounced through the ditch we entered our first of five tunnels this being the shortest of only a ¼ of a mile and damn it was freaking dark . . . even with our helmet lights on . . . Ahhh . . . Bats . . . Their in my hair, They . . . Are . . . In . . . My . . . Hair! Oh wait I don't have any hair. Oh yeah I forgot . . . there are no bats . . . oops my bad. At any rate the rest of the tour was pretty much the same thing bumping and bouncing, dragging ass anchors, dark tunnels, and Three People from India . . . What the fuck . . . Who's watching the 7-11. I know that was racist but I couldn't help myself, there we were in the middle of this beautiful rainforest and I had the need to tell the Indian gentleman that I needed $40.00 on pump 6 . . . What the fuck was Boobly Boobly doing here . . . besides throwing me off my game. Hell no I don't want a Slurpee with that do I look like I need a Slurpee?!? Okay that's the end of the racial rant . . . I just couldn't help myself. We all reached the end of the Ditch where we dismounted the Cheerios that we had grown so fond of and soon realized the the Va Jay Jay's and Scrotum’s where quickly returning to normal . . . thank good we wouldn't need Genital Reconstructive Surgery at this point. We were all driven to a picnic area where there was a sandwich buffet bar where we were able to make our own sandwich . . . Fat people first as they were looking weak. Believe it or not I wasn't in the front of the line. I was actually one of the last ones and realized that how much like a tornado Fat People are in a buffet line . . . HOLY SHIT! There was even an announcement that is anyone had a special diet that there was Humus available . . . hmm I wonder who that was for . . . Boobly Boobly your order of Humus is ready . . . Bobbly Boobly your order of Humus is Ready! With lunch at the picnic area winding down there was time for a few pictures of the surrounding area which consisted of a swimming hole and abundant plant life ready for the photographing. We soon left to go back to the Kauai Back Country warehouse were we parted company with our guides and fellow adventurers. How we will miss our new for convenience store owner Boobly Boobly, but I know when I have a Slurpee I with think of him and his Indian ways.

With the adventure behind us it was back to the room to change and then to visit a local shopping center to see what bargains there were to be had. Well we soon found out that the shopping center caters to people with a shitload of money. Holy Shit! . . . $28 for a Fucking T-Shirt, $8 for a dozen eggs, $12 dollars for a six pack of beer . . . What the Fuck Is Going On! There was even quite a few Hawaiian Shirt for over $100 . . . and a bunch of art galleries, this should have been the dead giveaway that the Castaways were in the wrong shopping center that was for sure. We ate at the Poipu location of Bubba Burger followed by Dessert at Lappert's Ice Cream were we all had sundae's that were absolutely delicious and way too big to finish. What's this . . . tourists overindulging . . . The Hell You Say . . . And Yes We Did!!!

We returned to the timeshare and went on an evening walk toward the Hyatt to sit in the Cabanas and Swing on the Swings. During our walk we saw Cockroaches in the grass and the Cockroach eating toads dining like a fat fuck at a buffet . . . and yes the toads were huge. We also were lucky enough to see snails with huge sea shells on their backs . . . Way Cool. Dr. Doo Little (Joanie) was having a blast checking out the wildlife and taking pictures of the amazing bugs. We arrived to our humble abode and soon were greeted by the strong smell of cigarette smoke blowing into our living room via the balcony screen door. Great new neighbors . . . and they can't read all of the signs posted everywhere that smoking is prohibited. They must think that it doesn't apply to them or they don't know what “Prohibited” means. Well If I leave to have my Cigars . . . I'll be a Motherfucker if I am going to be quite while Donny Douchebag downstairs lights up and chain smokes like a fucking chimney . . . Oh It's On Like Donkey Kong BITCH!

That will have to wait until tomorrow because right now it's bed time . . .

Pool Side Stories . . . Polihale' . . . Pictures . . .

Gilligan's Log Sunday August 21st 2011 . . .

Well today's agenda is very light and this entry will be short. The Castaway's awoke to another beautiful Kauaiian Morning full of sunshine and crowing roosters. The only thing that they had planned was for a trip to Costco and Kmart in the morning and an evening trip to Polihale' Beach for some sunset photographs. The whole Costco / Kmart trip was uneventful and there was nothing funny to report.

We arrived back at the timeshare and unpacked or provisions. Joanie and the Crow's decided that after lunch they were going to go to the pool to relax and soak up some rays. Well as anyone who follows the adventures of the Castaway's knows, even on a “Do Nothing” day something is bound to happen. I decided to stay behind and upload some picture to the Photobucket page so the Castaway's followers could see some of the pictures from the trip so far. The other castaway's had not even been gone 45 minutes when I get a text from Joanie that said that Dennis wanted me to come to the pool because there were some “Blog Worthy” thing going on. I told her that I would in a bit but I was really concentrating on the picture upload project right now. Something told me I should have went to the pool.

The next part of the blog is presented to you the reader second had by me from the stories of the Castaway's who witnessed it . . .

The pool visit started of like any other, the selecting of the perfect lounge chair to get the perfect amount of sun, the organizing of the belongings that the castaway's brought with them, the spreading of the towels, and then it happened . . . Enter the cast of characters. Fat Grimace, Butterball, The Snaggle -Toothed Blonde and The He-She. Fat Grimace was a portly gentleman who appeared to be married or at least attached in some manner to Butterball. The Snaggle Toothed Blonde and the He-She had all of the outward signs of a Horny Lesbian couple. As the He-She ran to enter the pool Dennis was puzzled as to whether this was a man in a sports bra and possibly just a gender confused young man. That's when Pam reassured him that this in fact was a female. It soon became evident that “It” and the Snaggle-Toothed Blonde were a couple . . . a couple of horny, dry humping, kiss everyone in their party lesbians. That's right you read it correctly . . . Dry humping and kiss everyone in their party lesbians. The castaway's noticed this unusually pool frolicking that was happening along with everyone else that was poolside. However the frolicker's were oblivious to everyone’s disapproving stares and appeared to be intoxicated. As the frolicking turned a little rough the Snaggle-Toothed Blonde over run with passion for He-She lunged in suddenly to lay a big wet sloppy lesbian lip-lock on “It” and ended up simply head butting the He-She and damn near knocked it out.

As with any good drama that what happened next the He-She proceeded to act dizzy and wobbled to an fro and even got the attention of a poolside attendant and a gentleman who appeared to be a Doctor. You always see this kind of shit in the movies but for it to happen in front of your eyes is amazing . . . is there a doctor in the house . . . Holy Shit there was! The good old Doctor gave the He-She a cursory examination and determined that It and everyone in the party was apparently intoxicated. The end result of the examination was that the Fire Department and Paramedics were call . . . What the Fuck! They called the ambulance and fire department for an accidental head butt are you fucking kidding me! Sure enough it wasn't long and the sirens arrived. I had no idea why there was a fire engine and ambulance arriving on the grounds because I was in the room and not witnessing the Lesbian Head Butting occurring at the pool. I ventured to the main arrival area to see if I could find out what was happening so I would be able to have a story for the rest of the castaway's upon their return. Little did I know that they had front row seats to the unfolding drama . . . Shit I should have gone to the pool with them. However as the story was being told back to me I soon realized that I was lucky that I didn't go with them as Joanie informed me that the elderly lady sitting next to her (Would have been sitting next to me, had I gone) stood up and bent over and an eighty year old titty flopped out at her ans it took a few seconds for this elderly woman to scoop it up and wrangle it back into its corral . . . Holy Shit What Next! Well the Lesbian refused medical treatment and the firemen and paramedics wasted no time in leaving the scene. The most amazing thing was that Fat Grimace was at the Snack Shack getting everyone in the party Snacks and Drinks and didn't even know that the emergency crews were there administering care to the He-She.

After this interesting cast of characters settled down enter the small Towel Tossing Boy. There was a family with the intentions of having a leisurely trip to the pool and decided to enroll the slave labor of their youngest and smallest child to carry the oversized ball of beach towels to the pool area. As the towels began to shift and drag in the water they became heavier and heavier and one finally fell in the pool . . . Yes! As the slave child bent over to retrieve the fallen towel . . . you guessed it another one fell in . . . Double Yes! As luck would have it for the sake of the blog the little boy soon dropped all of the towels half in the pool half in the sand making a huge fucking mess. All this happened to the slave boy's screams of “I Need Help . . . I Need Help”. The slave boy was at his wits end and just began kicking the towels as it was no use in trying to pick them up as they now weighed twice what this little slave child weighed. There was a look of “What The Hell” on the fathers face . . . but that's what you get when you use the Salve Child” to do the heavy work.

After this incident the Castaway's had had enough fun in the sun for one day. They headed back to the room to share their stories with me. Upon their arrival it was now story time and adult beverage time. We enjoying a frosty beverage and I was entertained by their stories from the poolside. We had snacks and got ready to head out to Polihale' beach for our sunset photo shoot. We ventured down the bumpy dirt road and proceeded to claim our spot for the photo shoot. We found a spot over looking the beach with a clear shot of the setting sun complete with bat's, chihuahua's, sand fleas and even two more lesbians. Everyone should know that the Castaway's always find the best stories whether or not they want too. So as the sun proceeded to set and the chihuahuas began to explore Pam and Joanie's sitting area, Dennis and I took a lot of pictures, I mean a shit load of pictures. I took 288 pictures from all angles and vantage point to try and incorporate as much of the local foliage as possible. Our photo shoot lasted about an hour and as you can guess once the sun goes down the critters begin to move about. The girls quickly gathered their towels and things and hauled ass to the S.S. Escape for security reasons . . . All is good in the safety of the S.S. Escape! I drank a beer for the road and we were soon off to experience the long bumpy road and it's wild life in the pitch black. Nervous Nelly aka Joanie, was in the back seat making worried commentary about “What if They Locked The Gate”. As we were driving and as luck would have we came to the locked gate . . . You Have Got to Be Fucking Kidding Me they locked the God Damn Gate was mine and Dennis' exclamation! Joanie shit her pants and started to panic. We let her off the hook by letting her know that this was not the gate out but just a gate to some field area. She was not to happy with that little prank . . . relieved but not happy. We drove a little further and a very large owl-like bird took off across the road so I thought it would be a good idea to cream real loud and the chain reaction occurred and there was a unanimous scream emanating from the S.S. Escape it was AWESOME! We drove a little further and it was now time for me to speed up and turn the lights off . . . Complete darkness. The commentary provided by Dennis summed it up for the rest of the Castaway's . . . HOLY SHIT! Needles to say I was slapped by Joanie but it was well worth it to experience the panic that filled to S.S. Escape at the moment when the lights went out. We soon reached the pavement and all was right in the S.S. Escape again.

We arrived back at the room for a late dinner of french bread pizza and a movie. Do yourself a favor, if you ever get the chance to see the movie Timber Falls . . . DON'T! This is by far the stupidest movie I think I have ever seen. I won't even waste you time trying to explain the movie as I have already spent too much time as it is . . . Just DO NOT See This Piece of Shit Movie! With 90 minutes of my life wasted that I will not get back it was bed time.

Tomorrow is the tubing Adventure day and should have a few stories to tell . . . Until tomorrow Gilligan has left the building . . .

AREN'T YOU GLAD THAT IT WAS A SHORT BLOG ENTRY . . .

Waterfalls . . . Wild Hogs . . . And A Crack Whore . . .

Gilligan's Log Saturday August 20th 2011 . . .

We today is Anniversary Day for the Crow's. Joanie made sure that their coffee was made complete with two coffee cups at the ready and a hand signed postcard with wishes of a happy anniversary awaiting them when they got up . . . Wow is there nothing this woman doesn't think of. Well the agenda for the day was set and we all thought today would be a good day to check out some of the waterfalls and maybe explore some back country too.

We left the homestead at about 10:00am headed for our first waterfall, the Wialua Falls just north of the town of Lihue. We ventured up the winding road to the crammed tiny and unorganized cluster fuck of a parking lot. Where numerous dip shits couldn't figure out how to make a simple three point turn when the road ran out . . . Oh No Whatever Shall We Do . . . Fucking Idiots. I am surprised that these people can wipe their own ass. Well after a prolonged “you go this way” and “I'll go that way” staring contest between the morons in the front of the line the traffic jam began to clear. All the while the rest of us looked on in disbelief as the motor vehicularly challenged ass bags navigated their way past the rest of us like a parade of Fucking Retards. After the entertainment had passed we finally were able to park the S.S. Escape and made our war to the observation point where we took many, many pictures. We also met a gentleman who was selling his palm leaf woven wares such as hats and bowls and really cool little fish. On our way back to the car we noticed that he had left some of the fish hanging fron the sign so we thought this would be a good time to obtain a freebie, compliments of the gentleman who left them behind . . . A Big Mahalo To Yo my Friend!

We soon left the Wialua Falls with very little difficulty turning the S.S. Escape around which made it even more apparent that the Driving Douche Bags from earlier were even bigger Retards than I had first imagined. We wound our way back down the winding road with the occasional sudden darts off the road by yours truly when I felt there was a photo opportunity to be had. We took a lot of pictures as we made our way back down to the main road. We were then off to the second stop on our agenda Kipuu Falls. These falls are just south of the town of Kap'paa and as you may have guessed up another steep and winding road. We soon arrived at the scenic look out where more pictures were taken. I then decided that it would be a good idea to follow the road further up to see if we could get closer to the top of the falls or at least follow the road until it ended.

This adventure was not on the agenda but I am glad I sacraficed our lives as we got to see some amazing country that not many tourist get to see but many locals do. We made a trek of about 15 mile into hog hunting territory . . . no shit really! We made our way into hunting area C according to the posted sign. The sign also had explanations that if you find dogs that they are not stray ones and that they are actually hunting dogs who are trained to hunt and the owners will be back for them so do not take them. We eventually came upon a couple of locals who were nice enough to explain what this area was and what they were hunting and that they had actually killed one. We opted not to take pictures to protect the innocent. When I asked how far this road goes they told us it goes on for many miles. Damn we had already came about 12 miles and were sure that if we went any further we would either be shot by hunters or a wild boar would attack us and kill us in our car . . . So we decided to head back to civilization for a bite to eat before something decided to take a bite out of our white tourist assess.

We arrived in Ka'paa at about 2:20pm and we were all more than ready for something to eat . . . Mc Donalds it was. After lunch we decided to continue our shopping at Coconut Marketplace from yesterday. We shopped and shopped until our shoppers were sore and we decided to go back to the room and relax before the big 28th anniversary dinner. We all agreed that we should go to Brenneke's Beach Broiler for dinner so we left on our dinner adventure. We took a seat at the bar while the hostess was waiting for a window table to open up. The boys ordered beer while the girls were a little more of the adventuring type. With a Poipu Kiss and a Lava Lava Slide ordered we were now officially celebrating the Crow's 28th wedding anniversary. It was only a matter of minutes and our table was ready so we settled up the bar tab and went to our table. It was Rib Eyes for all. It's not everyday that you have your 28th anniversary and it didn't hurt that we were using the $150 worth of vouchers that we had got by attending the sales pitch early in the week. We order some Pu Pu as well in the form of nachos which were actually very good. There we sat getting our drink on and eating Pu Pu with some really great friends, it doesn't get any better than this. Dinner arrived and we were asked if there would be anything else. The girls, now finished with their exotic drinks ordered two beers and I asked for some A-1 for my steak. It wasn't long before we realized that the tourist's aren't the only was that a fucking morons . . . we found an Island Idiot . . . and she was our waitress . . . Yippee! We waited for at least 10 minutes for the Island Idiot to return with the beers and she asked how everything tasted. I responded with “It was good but it would be better if I had some A-1, Don't worry I said it with a smile. That's when she showed us just how awesome of an Idiot she had become . . . She brought me a glass of ice water. What the hell was this for? Is A-1 island speak for glass of ice water. Let me see do they sound the same . . . A-1 . . . Glass of ice water . . . not even fucking close . . . what the hell! Joanie said AAAA-111111 really slowly so our personal Island Idiot could follow along. Needless to say we finally got the A-1 and not a moment too soon . . . I had about four bites of my steak left. We finished dinner and our Island Idiot asked if there would be anything else and with the times share paying . . . Of course there would be . . . more drinks. Dennis ordered a Brown Nipple with Banana. This sparked a debate as to whether it said nipple or mipple on the drink menu. Mipple . . . really . . . what the hell is a mipple any way . . . honestly that sounds like some one who's been drinking . . . oh wait . . . we have. We call our Island Idiot over to settle the debate and found out that it was in fact a Nipple. With that settled I ordered a Tiki Torch that contains three types of local rum which should be a relatively strong drink, and the girls both ordered two more beers. Dennis' Brown Nipple arrived first and he ever so slowly sucked on his Brown Nipple over and over making mmmm sounds, using a pretty pink straw . . . He's so kinky! The rest of the drinks arrived shortly after and the Tiki Torch didn't disappoint. It was fruity and strong. I know that sounded really gay but the Tiki Torch in the right amount would knock even a heterosexual man on his ass. With the evening winding down it was time to settle the bill. Our Island Idiot brought the check and we only went over by $21.00 . . . Or so we thought. We split the difference and gave the check to our Idiot and when she received it she said that the vouchers don't count towards alcohol or the gratuity. Joanie promptly explained that the way the timeshare folks explained to us was that as long as you ordered drinks with dinner then it was okay. With that said . . . enter the restaurant manager! She went on to say that when they turn the vouchers in they don't get reimbursed for the alcohol and that is why they don't count them towards alcohol. Joanie explained that the timeshare folks explained that the vouchers do not count for a 100% alcohol tab but if you have a dinner with drinks that it would be fine. Well apparently the restaurant people and the timeshare folks aren't on the same page. We had them split out the alcohol from the bill and the total for the drinks came to came to $39.01 and the food was $131.00. We used the voucher for the food and were informed that they don't give change and we would be losing out on the remaining $20.00. This was fine because they would be the ones that would lose out . . . on the tip that is! With the vouchers signed and two Twenty Dollar bills in the check we were outta there. The tip we left was the change from the bar tab . . . $0.99. We exited the restaurant where there was what appeared to be an Island Crack Whore. She had eyes for Dennis and smiled with a great big “Tooth Missing” smile.

Happy Anniversary Pam and Dennis we got you Crack Whore. Nothing says Happy Anniversary like a nice Island Crack Whore. I couldn't afford a matching set or you would have had a pair of Island Crack Whores . . . Collect the whole set. We had a late nite cigar and beer trip to Shipwreck beach by the Grand Hyatt where we sat in the little Cabana’s and watched as the surf rolled in and out. This would have been a great end to and awesome day had it not been for the hardness of the lounges in the Cabana's due to the missing lounge pads so with sore asses and good memories of a day filled with adventure we called it a day. Until tomorrow . . . Gilligan Out . . .

The Limpin' Luau . . .

Gilligan's Log Friday August 19th 2011 . . .

When we last left the Castaway's they were beaten, battered and bruising in bed. What does the day hold in store . . . The Limpin' Luau of Course. The day started a little later than the past day's with the Castaway's a little slower to get out of their respective beds with claims of “It Sucks getting Older” and “Damn I'm Sore”. The big check of the morning was just how well is Pirate Pam getting around. As luck would have it her Peg Leg seems to be healing nicely and with the antibiotic ointment now on the sheets in the blood pattern of a stabbing victim, her wounds actually look better than I thought they would too. Pirate Pam is nothing if not resilient and tough. Hell I would have been crying like a kid who spilled their ice cream.

The male Castaway's were tasked with vacuuming the sand from the adventures of yesterday out of the S.S. Escape so tonight’s luau evening-wear wouldn't get dirty. We made our way to the gas station where there is a car wash with a vacuum area. We vacuumed the car and decided to let natures car wash take care of the washing portion of the detail . . . Let the rain begin. We left the car wash and were off to Wal-Mart to pick up a few items that were of Dennis' wish list. We picked up a Mono-Pod for his camera and a boogie board for our next beach adventure. He is going to try his hand at boogie boarding the surf . . . Yes I checked . . . his health insurance is paid up and current. We had his items in hand and were waiting to check out when who to my bloodshot eyes should appear . . . The Oompa Loompa Cowboy. That's right it was a blast from the past with kankles and all. He was dressed in a bright orange Hawaiian shirt that made him look like a giant orange traffic cone with a cowboy hat and turkey platter belt buckle. There was a new wardrobe choice though, it was a type of wide leg pant . . . really WIDE leg pant. The better to fit his kankles in I guess. Pictures were taken for the Wal-Martian archives.

We headed back to the ranch where we spent a few hours just relaxing and enjoying the peace and serenity of the island until it was time to leave for the first adventure. We ate a quick lunch, then we were off the take a tour of the Fern Grotto. This tour consisted of a leisurely boat trip up the Wailua River while being entertained by a Hula show and Hula lesson. That's right we all got up and learned the Hukilau Hula. We even learned the “Umi”which is the move where you move you hips in circular motion similar to . . . on I don't know . . . SEX! Woo Hoo all praise the “Umi” and it' dirty ways. We arrived at the Fern Grotto a short while and two hulas later. It was a short leisurely walk through thick tropical foliage of all kinds and was very beautiful. We arrived a large viewing platform where we listened to a history lesson of the Fern Grotto Cave while a quick downpour of rain happened. This was followed by a rendition of the Hawaiian Wedding song to set the romantic mood of the day. We had a leisurely stroll back down to the boat through a different path with different plants and many more opportunities to take more pictures of the local plant life. Once everyone was back on the boat we floated back down the river as the captain of the boat gave a short history lesson about the surrounding river areas. We arrived safely at the marina where we left from and had successfully completed our first adventure.

After our Fern Grotto adventure we had about 90 minutes to kill so we headed to the nearby Coconut Grove Shopping Center. We had a snack and strolled around the various shops to kill time before the Luau. The time came and the girls made a costume change into their Luau Dresses . . . Simply Beautiful! We even had the matching Hawaiian shirts that matched their dresses. Damn . . . The Castaway's are one good looking group! We arrived at the luau grounds and were taken on a guided tram ride around the thirty acre gardens that make up Smith's Tropical Paradise Gardens. There were beautiful plants and trees of all kinds. Once we were done with the tram ride there was a few minutes until the Imu ceremony. The Imu ceremony is where they uncover the pig from the Imu Pit where it has been cooking for the last 10 to 11 hours. The cooking process and ceremony was explained as it happened and is actually quite a process. Now that the Imu Ceremony was complete it was time to start the all you can drink portion of the evening. The beers and Mai Tais arrived two by two . . . The two by two . . . oh yeah . . . then two by two. After a few drinks it was now time for the all you can eat portion of the evening. The food was awesome . . . the drinks were awesome . . . Our dates were awesome! We ate . . . We drank . . . We took pictures and now it was time to watch the show. The show consisted of various native dancers from places like China, Tahiti, The Philippines and Hawaii to name a few. The show was amazing and was over too soon. That completed our second adventure of the day with only on adventure of the day left.

That's right you guessed it . . . a shopping trip to Wal-Mart at 9:00pm . . . Gotta love it. We picked up some supplies that we were running low on. This place was freaking packed with people kicking off their three day holiday weekend. This was Statehood Day here on the islands and everyone was celebrating. After our shopping trip we headed back to the timeshare, unpacked our supplies and went to bed . . . The Castaway's were tired.

Tomorrow is the Crow's 28th anniversary. What adventure awaits . . .

Pirates To Polihale' . . .

Gilligan’s Log August 18th 2011 6:00am . . .

We all awoke at what has become our customary waking time of 6:00am by way of the Kauai alarm clocks . . . the Chickens. I blogged for three hours to catch up all of the Castaway followers back at home. While I was busy with the blog the rest of the Castaway's were busy preparing our supplies for the Beach adventure that lay ahead, the picnic was packed the agenda was set and by 9:30am we were off to our first destination.

Our first stop was the Kauai Coffee Company where sample a shit load of different coffees and were able to “Get Our Caffeine Buzz On”. We even went on an 1/8th of a mile self guided tour around the grounds where we learned about all things coffee. We actually did the tour twice and didn't even know it. I think it was the caffeine because of the caffeine in the coffee as coffee has a lot of caffeine . . . and did I mention we all had a caffeine buzz going so we went on a self guided tour . . . twice?

After we climbed down off of the roof of the gift shop we were off to the second stop of our adventure . . . the Hanapepe Swinging Bridge. We wandered onto the bridge and soon found out why they call it “the “Swinging Bridge”. I was pleased to find out much to the dismay of my fellow Castaway's that I like to have a swinging good time while on the bridge. I also found out that when I walk it makes the bridge sway, or as the people of Hanapepe refer to it “Swing”. I may have annoyed Joanie a bit but it was all in fun and just to think we had to go back across the bridge too . . . Oh Boy more fun for me. We soon completed this leg of our agenda with very little motion sickness and a very minor scrape on Pam's forearm. Hopefully this wasn't an Omen of Pam's day.

Well we soon found ourselves traveling a short distance to our first beach stop of the day. We stopped at Salt Pond Park. This was a kid friendly beach as there was no crashing waves due to a natural lava wall that acted as a breakwater. We set up all of our respective items in a hand selected spot on the beach and proceeded to enter the kiddie lagoon portion of the park. It was only about three feet deep and was a safe place to start until we all had our water wings on and were stable. I waded in the lagoon behind the breakwater while Pam, Joanie and Dennis walked on the two foot high lava rock formation looking at all of the various critter in the little tide pools that formed with each wave that crashed over the top. After Dennis had had enough nature he jumped off of the two foot tall lava ledge into the three foot lagoon like a cliff diver who lands on his feet, I rated him a 6.0 on execution and since he stuck the landing I gave him a 9.0 overall. I continued to splash like a little kid getting used to the water when it happened . . . Joanie screamed “Oh my God Pam Are You Okay”? I looked their way just in time to see Pam floundering around in an attempt to spring to her feet in one of those manner when you want to make it look like nothing happened in case someone was watching . . . you know what I'm talking about . . . we have all done it. This time something did happen . . . Pam did a crash and burn move when she tried to stick her landing off of the lava ledge. She scraped her back (Lucky not to hit her head), an scraped the back of her arm and had about six long gashes where her arm was slashed by the lava rock. Nurse Joanie sprang into action, all the while Pam was saying I'm fine . . . No really I'm fine. Joanie wasn't buying it and was splashing salt water on the scrapes to rinse of the blood that was now streaming from the back of Pam's arm. This is better known as chumming and is when you put blood into the Ocean to attract the sharks into a feeding frenzy . . . Holy Shit . . . Help! We removed the bloody wounded Pam from the water so there would be no further danger of attracting sharks to the small children lagoon. Joanie tended to Pam's wounds, all the while Pam was saying I'm fine really. This will remain to be seen tomorrow when she wakes up and finds out that she can hardly move . . . Let's hope not.

We then proceeded to eat our picnic lunch and believe it our not there was some truth to the Dennis Crow sandwich making and packing guidelines . . . the procedure was not followed on my sandwich and it was starting to get soggy, but I ate it anyway. With the local birds fed and our belly's full we were off to our next stop . . . the hospital . . . just kidding. Even though Pam now looked like someone beat her with a baseball bat covered in barbed wire she refused medical attention so we fueled up the S.S. Escape to prepare for our Polihale Beach adventure. We then had to make a stop at Jo Jo's Shaved Ice again, because as any Kauai person knows . . . you gotta stop at Jo Jo's when you go through Wiamea. After our treat we were off to Polihale Beach. We arrived, gathered our belongings, and headed out to claim our place one the beach. On our trek across the beach we realized why people drive their cars across the beach to their spots . . . the sand was Hot Hot Hot . . . you know like the surface of the sun hot! So Oww we made Oww our way Oww to the Oww cooler sand Oww at the Oww waters edge, set up our things and were off to play in the surf. We stayed for quite a while, taking pictures and playing the waves and as you can imagine, Pam only ventured into the waves up to her knees. I think even though our little trooper Pam said she was fine, I think she was hurting . . . only time will tell. We decided, by looking at the doneness of my skins nice new red sheen that we should probably go. So we were off to the showers to try and rinse off the day's sand from places that shouldn't have sand in them, as well as our feet.

We were now on the road back to the old homestead when I had an idea. So we stopped at a local convenience store picked up a couple 40's and some Mike's Hard Lemonade and headed to a local park to watch the sunset. We arrived at the park and as luck would have it it was the same park where Pam tried her back flip with a two and a half twisting dive, with no success. We grabbed our booze and were off to claim a picnic table when all of a sudden Pirate Pam tried to exit the car and damn near fell on her ass. That's right her leg stopped working . . . you heard me her leg stopped working. She soldiered on to the picnic table with a limp step, limp step, limp step sort of walk reminiscent of the peg leg pirates of old . . . she would now be known as Pirate Pam ARRGG! Much to our delight there was a local reggae band practicing their music in one of the picnic pavilions. They were actually pretty good, and what a way to wind down the day with alcohol, good friends, music and a beautiful Kauai Sunset. We sat in the park for about an hour and decided that we had enough fun for one day and we still had to get our little beaten and battered Pirate Pam back to the timeshare.

We arrived at the Point and unpacked the S.S. Escape and headed to our room. We made sure that Pirate Pam had a light load and that she took the elevator as her limp step, limp step, walk had not gotten any better. Once inside Dennis and I were instructed to go ahead and take our showers while the girls put away the provision left from today's adventure. After emerging from the shower I walked into the dining area to see Pirate Pam with a broom and Joanie with a dust pan when both of them shouted STOP! I was then informed to put shoes on as there had been a tragedy to end all tragedies. That's right three Mike's Hard Lemonades had been murdered when there carrier fell apart like a cheap suitcase rendering them helpless against that fickle bitch . . . Gravity. Please take a moment of silence and say a quick little prayer for our fallen alcoholic beverages. Joanie explained that the cheap ass styrofoam ice chest had leaked and made the bottom of the bag containing the unsuspecting little mike's soggy and unable to bear the weight of our little buddy's. After the breakage now known as the Great Explosion of 2011 Joanie descride it as complete mayhem where her and Peg Leg Pam were both performing like Bambi on Ice and were damn luck that they didn't pull a muscle or throw out their backs. Well the girls called housekeeping to provide back up, and vacuum and mop the entire front half of the unit. No sooner did the call get placed then the housekeeper arrived. It was as if he knew there was a disturbance in the force of room #10302 and had to attend to it right away . . . what service. Yoda proceeded to clean everything up lickity split and vanished as quickly as he had arrived. With the mess cleaned up and the prayers said for our fallen little alcohol soldiers, it was time for the girls to finally get their showers. I said a quick prayer that the man up stairs watch over Pirate Pam in hopes that she would damage herself any further then she had today.

While the girls showered I sat on the balcony blogging the days events ans shivering like it was 30 degrees outside . . . gotta love a sunburn. With the girls done, me hard at work blogging, Dennis headed to the BBQ area to cook us up some hot dogs for dinner and only a shade past 8:30pm too . . . what a long day! We ate dinner and cleaned everything up with no further incidents or injuries to anything or anyone in our Castaway group. We were then entertained by a slide show review of Dennis' 396 pictures that he has taken so far on the Kauai Adventure. We ate ice cream during the slide show me covered in my blanket, Pirate Pam looking like a Pirate coming back from war, and Joanie staring into the distance, while making spit bubbles and generally looking as if she was in a state of total disbelief of today’s events. With the slide show now complete it was now time for the Castaway's to go to bed. We will see if Pirate Pam and the rest of the Castaway's will be able to even get out of bed. Join the Castaway's for tomorrows adventure . . . The Limpin' Luau . . .

Food Phobias . . . Fire . . . And Freddy . . .

Gilligan’s Log August 17th 2011 6:00am . . .

We all awoke at what has become our customary waking time of 6:00am. we blame it on the Kauai alarm clocks . . . the Chickens. They crow very loudly every morning at about 6:00am. It's all good in my book because if I am going to woken up early I'm glad it is in paradise with great friends. I know . . . I know . . . AWWWW!

We all had the morning beverage of choice and a quick bite to eat as we were off to purchase matching couples Luau Wear. that's right we were going to match our wives at our Luau on Friday. We traveled to the Coconut Grove Shopping center where the women folk proceeded rather quickly to the dress shop to make their respective selections. Dennis and I wandered at a much slower pace to give the girls time to make their selections. Upon arriving I asked if I could try on a matching dress to match my wife's and to make it a short one as I had damn sexy legs. You should have seen the look on the lady's face . . . Priceless. I convinced her that I was serious, but unfortunately she didn't have a dress for a full figured gal like me . . . Damn! The girls finalized their selections and we were fitted with our matching Hawaiian shirts. We were ready for the Luau come hell or high water . . . i.e. hurricane Fernanda! That's right we may be in the path of a hurricane . . . SWEET!

We were off to Costco for fuel for the S.S. Escape for our day's adventure to Wiamea Canyon. We went back to the room and packed a picnic lunch for our outing and this is when we found out that Dennis has . . . well let's just say . . . Way's that he wants things done. Things like once the sandwich in made and before it is placed in the ice chest it must have a physical barrier between the sandwich and any coldness above that of a refrigerator as there is a chance of the sandwich bread becoming either soggy or suffering from hard crust syndrome. So Pam hermetically sealed Dennis' sandwich in layers of Coffee Filters, paper towels and a zip-lock bag. he then instructed Pam to make sure that when the sandwich was inserted into the paper bag and then into the ice chest that his be the top sandwich to future eliminate the possibility of sogginess or hard crust syndrome. We all got a good laugh about this. We found out that Dennis has numerous issues when it comes to food and/or the way it is prepared.

With the lunch packed we were off for our adventure to Wiamea Canyon. This is known and the Grand Canyon of the Pacific and is absolutely stunning. The road to the canyon lookout can best be described as . . . One Winding Fucking Road. This road is 17 miles of 25mph speed limit signs, in which case they are not joking. A winding turn to the right, a winding turn to the left followed by a steep . . . steep . . . did I say steep . . . inclines, all mixed in with numerous 180 degree switch backs. If you were prone to getting car sick this is not the road for you . . . Dennis . . . are you okay? He was fine and never had signs of getting sick.

We arrived at the Wiamea Canyon lookout where we walked a short distance to the observation platform where the view was absolutely amazing. As you all can probably guess we all took a butt load of pictures which will be posted on the Photobucket page linked to this blog as soon as I get a better WiFi connection that is a hell of a lot faster than the one I have now. After our photo shoot of the canyon we decided to go further up the road to where it end at Ko'Kee' State Park. On the way to Ko'Kee' we came upon a nice picnic area where we decided to unveil Dennis' sandwich and see if he felt it was still edible. To our amazement . . . it was. We ate, We Laughed, We took pictures of Cardinals, We found out from Pam while talking about food that "Dennis Hates Everything". Apparently Dennis has various issues with either the food itself or the way it is prepared. Either way to hear Pam tell it and to see Dennis' facial expression was absolutely hilarious. Sorry but this is one of those times that you just had to be there.

After lunch on our way to Ko'Kee' we passed a NASA Observatory on the way there and why not we were at about 5300 feet in elevation which felt like the top of the world. That's right we went from sea level to 5300 feet in a relatively short drive. The first lookout point was absolutely beautiful. If you do not do anything else in your lifetime make it a point to see this wonder of the world . . . simple words cannot do it justice. We went to the end of the road wondering how the view could be any better than the one we had just experienced . . . well we soon found out. Oh my god . . .

The end of the trail is even better than the first observation point. You are higher in elevation at 5700 feet. You are actually in the clouds and can feel the mist from them falling on you when you are there. This is home to one of the wettest places on earth . . . Or at least that's what the sign said. We snapped more pictures and stood in some cliff side locations that made the girls a little nervous . . . but it was well worth it. I know you all want to see the pictures . . . be patient . . . I promise to post them soon.

With our adventure complete we headed back down the mountain and stopped at various wide spots for even more photo opportunities along the way. After the twist and turns of the road and pictures safely in our cameras and memories we were of to our home away from home . . . Or so we thought! As we were driving back to the homestead we were listening to the radio and found out that they had evacuated the area where our paradise palace is located due to a brush fire. Holy Shit . . . First a hurricane . . . Now a fire. We tried to sneak in the back way but the police already had the road blocked and were not letting anyone in. Great . . . What to do now . . . that is the question. We did what every red blooded tourist would do . . . we went to an old cemetery and called our timeshare for an update and information on what to do! I'll bet none of you seen that coming. while we were there Pam announced that she had to pee! Joanie was quick to point out that if she was to pee in a cemetery then she was going straight to hell . . . do not pass go . . . do not collect $200 . . . just straight to hell. So with that said Pam decided to hold it. Joanie was informed that they didn't know when we would be let back in, they didn't know how bad the fire was, they didn't know which direction it was heading, they didn't know if the timeshare was in immediate danger . . . I am so glad we called it put everyone’s minds at ease . . . NOT! What the fuck . . . are you kidding me . . . doesn't anyone talk to each other? Hell nobody even seems concerned that they could all burn up in a fiery ball. Talk about being so laid back and in a island state of mind . . . Holy Shit.

Well with all of that useful information in hand it was off to find a “Tinkletorium” so we could all evacuate our bladders just like we evacuated the timeshare. So it was off to Costco for a piss and pistachios. After Costco we decided since we may or may not be going back to our timeshare or our burned remains of our belongings . . . we were off to an island ritual . . . The ABC Store. We shopped for a few souvenirs for people back home . . . There may or may not be one for you. We were then off to another island must . . . Bubba Burger! We introduced the Crow's to the Hubba Bubba. This is a bed of white rice, with a hamburger patty smothered in melted cheese covered in chili and topped with onions. With the recent information regarding Dennis' food issues there was some concern as to whether he would be able to eat this yummy mess. He was a trooper and whether or not he liked it, he ate it. After dinner and one last stop at another ABC Store it was off to see if we had anyhting left at the timeshare. As you can probably guessed we lost everything in the fire and are not living in the Kauai Emergency Evacuation Center. The only thing that survived was everything . . . I was just kidding. So if you are a relative of the Castaways you can breath again.

We arrived back at home finally and to our pleasure found everything intact. It was time for the girls to go to the spa for a drink and a soak and it was time for Dennis and I to wander to Cigar Point for w few beers and a cigar. We arrived at Cigar Point and were getting settle by the light of our flashlights when all of a sudden out of the darkness and with the stealth of the best Ninja a guy appeared and scared the living shit out of me and actually stopped Dennis' heart. "WHAT THE FUCK MAN" were the words that came out along with "YOU JUST SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME". Without so much as an apology he proceeded to ask why we had flashlights and to turn them off and we should never bring flashlight to this place. Well I have news for you Satan, we aren't "See In The Dark Underlords" like you. We are middle aged blind fuckers that need light at all times, especially when we are roaming around sheer lava cliffs that fall of 100' into the fucking Pacific Ocean. This guy had serious bat like night vision whether he was Batman with sonar, Satan or a Navy Seal who knew, all I know is it was fucking creepy having a ghost of a guy sneak up like that . . . SHIT! We passed the time looking at the stars as there was many and the night sky was clear. With all of the beautiful sights we were lucky enough to see today this was the icing on the cake. WE talked for a while with our new Ninja acquaintance about things to do on the island. When he asked where we were staying I told him at the point but was very vague as I didn't know if Ninja Man would sneak up and appear on our balcony one night. He bid us a good evening and promised to see us tomorrow and disappeared in the dark just as quickly as he appeared. See us tomorrow . . . What the hell did he mean by that? Was he going to follow us?
Was he coming for our souls on Cigar Point? Was he like Freddy Kruger and going to show up in our dreams AHHHHH . . . I WANT MY MOMMY!

Once safely back in our room it was shower time followed by telling Joanie of our newly found friend Satan then to sleep. Where I just hope I didn't hear "One Two Freddy's Coming For You . . .

More from the Castaways tomorrow . . . (If Freddy Doesn't Get Them First)