When All Else Fails . . . Give 'Em The Bird!!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL THAT READ MY BLOG!!!

Food . . . Fun . . . Marching Band Finals!

Well it is that time of year again, marching band state finals. This years finals competition took place at East Bay State University in Hayward. The day began as any other band competition weekend . . . Way To God Damn Early!!!! We arrived at the school at 6:15am and proceeded to load the equipment and various other items for our adventure. This included enough food and water to survive in the wilds of the bay area for a good month or two. After the loading of the two trailers we were off to the races. The travel time was about an hour and a half and we arrived at about 9:30am. We set up our usual awesome base camp which is usually the envy of all of the other schools. The band was to step off into competition at about 11:30 am so the kids went off to the practice field for a warm up and run through of their show before the actual competition. The adults scoped out the route to the competition field so we would have an idea what our old asses were up against when it came to helping the kids with all of the various large instruments and carts that are used in the "Pit". We were surprised to find that our camp was actually located at the summit of Mount Fucking Everest and the field was located at the base of the mountain a mere 100 miles away. Okay so I am exaggerating a little, but it was about a mile from our camp and every bit as steep as a surface street in downtown San Fransisco. After our investigation of the route we were approached by a couple of the Modesto High School parents asking if it would be okay to use our drum major podium as theirs was broken, and wouldn't you know it these two lovely people were driving a quad. The deals were stuck and it turns out that in return for the use of the podium they would pull our huge drum cart full of equipment up the steep ass hill. Things were starting off great then we found out that the bathrooms were about a half a mile away down the other side of Mount Everest.

Well it was time to leave for the competition we gathered all of the equipment and headed out down the mountain. There we were looking like a shit load of Sherpa's packing everything down from Mount Everest to the Base Camp. We got to the bottom and it really wasn't too bad. The kids performed as what only be call their best show of the season. We exited the field and began the hike up Everest. We soon found out that even though we may have resembled a pack load of Sherpa's . . . we weren't, but we sure could have used eight or nine from where I was standing. At any rate we started our ascent only having to stop for oxygen two or three times. After huffing and puffing and blowing phlegm out of our asses we arrived at the safety of our camp. After a quick rest, drink and pee break lunch was served.

After lunch the adults cleaned up and relaxed while the kids went to watch some of the bands compete. The weather was perfect for sitting around and telling stories and general socializing. It was approaching the dinner hour and this dinner was the senior dinner where the graduating seniors get to be first in line for food, get to eat on real dishes with real silverware, and sit at a real table and chairs. The band alumni were in charge of the food for dinner and man did they deliver. They fixed tri-tip, baked potatoes, pasta salad, garlic bread, fruit and two cakes for dessert. Everything was delicious and enjoyed by all. Afterwards we all cleaned up and broke down camp. We then went to watch a couple of hours of competition before the awards. We got to see quite a few bands from Southern California and they were pretty impressive as well. Well it was finally 9:45 pm and the tension mounted as the announcements started with the awards for the single "A" bands. This is our division and had sixteen bands competing. The top three bands would be advancing to finals that would take place on Sunday. As it turned out we were barely edged out of third place by 1.5 points . . .SHIT!!! Fourth place is still respectable as far as I'm concerned fourth in the state in our division is AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME!!!!! As we wound up our evening by arriving at the high school at 12:00am to unload all of our stuff the realization of the fact that we did not have to be up at 5:00am to leave for finals that the disappointment quite a bit. We had an awesome season and we are looking forward to the winter drum line season that starts in a few weeks. Until we meet again "May the force be with you".

One Funny Television Show. . . . .Redneck Weddings

Well as the title of this post states I believe I have found one of the funniest television shows of late, "My big fat redneck wedding". The show is hosted by Tom Arnold and airs on CMT. CMT stands for "Country Music Television" for those of you who are not into Nascar or Rodeos.

The premise of the show as you can imagine is featuring weddings of the redneck variety and oh man are they humorous. One episode had a sex talk between a step mother and her daughter regarding on what she could use as birth control in case they did not have any condoms handy. This is where the stepmother proceeded to slide a zip-lock sandwich bag over a banana and tied it at the base with a decorative confederate flag ribbon. Oh yeah and did I mention that the bride was marrying her brother. That's right marrying her brother. Apparently the grooms parents adopted the bride at the ripe age of 16 years old and did not find it strange when their son started banging his sister like a screen door in a tornado and then subsequently wanted to get married. talk about keeping it in the family. Every episode has the couple introduction, the wedding preparations, the wedding, reception and finally the gift exchange. The gift exchange is probably one of the most interesting parts of the show as the redneck idea of what they should get each other as a special gift has ranged from a chrome exhaust pipe for her tractor to the skeletal remains of a raccoon penis. Yup that's got What The Hell written all over it.


So if you haven't had a chance to watch this show I recommend that you check your local listings and at least watch it once for the sheer comedic value of the show. You may even get hooked. Well until next time see me later.

Does It Get Any Better Than Phone Sex And Chorizo?

Well now that I have your attention you twisted bastards it time to explain the title. I recently read a couple of news stories that struck me as pretty funny and I thought I would share.

The first story took place in Detroit Michigan and is political in nature, which is perfect as there is the upcoming elections looming on the horizon. Well it appears that the Detroit Michigan democrats are trying something to spark absentee voting which I think is pure genius. Weather or not they are claiming it was an accident, I love it. It seems that in there attempt to spark the interest in absentee voting they "Accidentally" directed people to a phone sex line. Yeah Baby I think I want to be a democrat in Detroit. I now know I love Detroit even more as it not only is home to my favorite Hockey team, the Detroit Red Wings, but now it has democrats who are hooked on Phone Sex Lines. . .Somebody tell Joanie I'm moving. The state spokeswoman said that apparently there were fliers that were distributed with the campaign party's hot line number "Misprinted" (Yeah Right) with the phone sex numbers. That's not even the best part as apparently the flier also had a picture of Barrack Obama on it. Oh but wait there's more. Apparently the TV station that broke the story was WJBK-TV or was it WBJK-TV. I think the second one would have made the story complete. I think the message that the Michigan democratic party was trying to get through to potential voters was that being an absentee voter was not a difficult thing to do but with their help it was a "HARD" thing to do thanks to the sex line tip.

The second story that I found to be humorous was one that was about smuggling and US Customs at the US / Mexico border. The story read that a southern Texas lady trying to gain entry into the US was apparently claiming several soiled baby diapers at the border. What the fuck is this world coming to where someone would actually think that nobody would think it was odd if they were to claim soiled baby diapers at the border, Holy Shit! I can only imagine that the US customs officers were thinking that the diapers contained drugs of some sort as this wasn't something that a normal person would claim. They were correct in a sense as the diapers contained contraband of sorts only it wasn't drugs but Chorizo. That's right she was smuggling Chorizo sausages like little turds in baby diapers. Talk about laughing my ass off if I was a customs agent. Only this is no laughing matter as it is apparently illegal to smuggle Chorizo into these fine United States. This would apparently throw off the delicate balance of US supply and demand for US manufactured Chorizo. So much so that this act in lack of judgment cost the south Texas woman $300.00 and the agents seized her Chorizo as well. Either this was the worlds best Chorizo or she was one crazy bitch as you can buy a fuck load of Chorizo for $300.00. At any rate I thought that it had a funny visual effect as I could picture the first agent unwrapping the first "Baby" diaper and seeing the size of the "Log" that she was claiming her baby left in the diaper. I'm sure his initial reaction would have been "Holy Shit!" or "What The Fuck?", either way very funny.

Well there you have it my rant for the day. Well I had better go as Joanie is needing something. (Yes, she is home and doing well). Peace Out!

Serious Note . . .Joanies Surgery

Well everything was a success in regards to Joanie's surgery this morning. The doctor said that there were no problems and that it went as he had expected. He said that the way that he had performed the surgery through four small incisions in her stomach using robotic tools was a very minimally intrusive way to perform this surgery and she should recovery fairly quickly. As a matter of fact she may be able to come home as soon as tomorrow (Wednesday). Well since I have been up since 4:30am and it is now midnight I am going to end this post with a huge thank you to everyone who visited with Joanie and myself today at the hospital and also to everyone who called/emailed their well wishes to us as well. I will return to the pearls of wisdom next time.

What's This . . .Vanginal Oder?

Well just when I think I have seen it all, a new television commercial comes on the tube advertising gay cowboys, personal lubricants or some other crazy shit. This time even I was shocked and we all know how much it takes to shock me.

I was sitting there in my living room minding my own business watching the television when out of nowhere there was a fairly attractive Italian chick spouting out the words "Do you have vaginal oder"? I obviously had to answer immediately "Hell No I Don't Even Have A Vagina" but if I did I'm pretty sure I would be a whore though. At any rate the advertisement talked about how the women of Italy use a bidet to eliminate "some" of this problem. I had to think if I was one of these Italian women I would want something that took care of the entire problem.

There were some very unique thing about this commercial that I have to mention. The first one that stands out is that this product is available at it's introductory price of $29.95. The next is that it has a 30-day return policy. That's right a god damn 30-day return policy? Did I hear that right? Holy crap say it isn't so. I sat there for a few moments and let thet seep into my brain and marinate. When I told Joanie about this amazing new commercial and the return policy she quickly informed me in her womenly wisdom, that it probably was because that it is used to wash the outer surface of the naughty bits. Then I recalled the stinky Italian chick said that the Italian women use a bidet to remedy "some" of the problem and this thing takes care of the "Hole Stinking" problem. Since they did not show a picture of this item I went to their website and yes it was a fucking stainless steel dildo like 'gina sprinkler that Joanie says "Looked like a melon baller". So let me get this right, you can insert the wussy washer into your naughty bits and after 30-days if your bagel still has cream cheese and stinks like rotting fish you can send it in for your money back, HOLY SHIT THAT'S NASTY.

This leads me to to my next question. If women are returning this washing wonder dildo, how would you know if they sent you a new or used one. That puts a "Hole" new spin on recycling during these tough economic times. While I was on the website I researched it a little and it told of how it works using gravity to provide a "Gentle" stream of body temperature water to the inside of every surface of the vagina by manipulating this thing around inside the naughty bits. After my research I thought about it and in a very short time remedied the return policy problem that I am sure would save them millions. The solution is make sure that the water pulsates like a shower massage. . . .Right ladies? There you have it my solution to a major corporate problem. This might actually increase their sales, I think I'll email them right now.

So if there is anyone interested in visiting the website here is the link; http://www.waterworkshealth.com/home/.

I don't expect anyone to contact me and tell me that they have tried and want to send me their review as they would be admitting they have a smelly kitty. Hmmm what about kitty litter with baking soda. . .Anyone??? Well that's it for now and always remember there is nothing worse for your love life than a limp rooster or a smelly kitty.

Well I'm Back !!!!

Well it has been a while since I have written a post. I feel it is time to pick up the trail of offensive stories to hopefully lift everyones spirits in these very trying times. As everyone who knows the history of this blog site there was a time where it was touch and go with censorship attempts. I have since then decided that I own this blog site and therefore will do thing entirely my way. So get ready, sit down, hold on and shut the hell up because it could be a bumpy ride.

There will be no warnings regarding the language on the various posts as there is one in the site title. So if you read something that offends you thats just too damn bad. . . Deal With It ! ! !


Big Daddy

More Shopping. . .Acrobats. . .And Who Called The Hookers?

Well as you can probably guess by now we awoke to another beautiful hot and humid day. Today was to be our last day in Shanghai as we would be leaving early in the morning on a plane to Bankok Thailand. Our guide was going to be taking us to the "Radio" tower for a tour and ascent into the tower and into one of the many spheres that make up the main structure of the building. The spheres range in height from a few hundred feet in the air to "Holy Shit It's The Pearly Gates" high. That was the height where I believe you need oxygen. Well we board the space shuttle Shanghai to the Radio tower. The pretty cool thing about the bus ride there was that we went into a tunnel that went under the river and to the side where the Radio tower was. I realize that there is nothing new about a tunnel under a river, but it is really interesting when you are in one built in a third world counrty like China. Thoughts go whizzing through your head at a million miles an hour woundering things like "I wonder if they know what rebar is?" and "Was that a leak we just passed?". The thought of recent earthquakes in China entered my thoughts as well and if anyone thought to inspect this watery grave for said leaks. I figured I would keep these twisted thoughts to myself as I didn't want to cause massive panic. Although it would have been fun to see the various facial expressions on peoples faces as the thought process registered and the freakish fear set in. Well we arrived at the Radio tower safe and sound and best of all "Not Dead".

There were two choice on todays agenda, one was the nosebleed ascent to "Mount Holy Shit", or shopping in another mall. The difference in this mall and the others that we had shopped in up to this point was that the "Bastard" was both "Hugantic" and "Ginormous". We were told that it was about four city blocks in diameter and six storied tall. We chose to not "Shit Our Pants" on the Everest Elevator and walked to the mall instead. We were pleasantly surprised to find that there was a Pizza Hut in the mall, now if only we could find it. We asked a few people at the "Information Desks" that we found along the way and they were such a huge help that they might as well have called them "We Don't Understand What The Hell You're Saying Desks". At any rate we finally found the Hut of The Pizza as Joanie hugged the familiar sign we laughed and proceeded to enter. The first thing that we noticed was that we were not in Kansas anymore because they had a stand at the poteum god honest Materdee, that took the time to seat us and provide us with menus and everything. As we looked around you could tell that coming here for someone from China must be a major outting as there was soft music playing as well as very nice decorations, statues and plants all over. Well our group consisted of 9 people and there wasn't a table in sight that could accomodate that many so they sat us at adjoining booths and we were soon in the grips of the battle of "Our Booths Better Than Yours" saga. We ordered our drinks first but the other team ordered both drinks and Pizza at the same time (Damn those tricky bastards). We assesed the situation and quickly adjusted with a counter order only to find out that the were out of the 12" pie (Once again Damn them bastards). We quickly ordered our respective pies as if we were speaking Chinese. Then the waiting game began, and I do mean waiting game. Eventually the pies started to be delivered after about 45 minutes which really put a bind in our schedule, because we originally only had about 1.5 hours until we had to reconvien at the buses. Our food finally arrived and when it did we all requested "To Go" boxes immediately, because we were not sure how long the Origami exercise would take and we didn't want to chance leaving any of this tasty food behind. We ate the pizza as fast as we could. Throwing caution to the wind and not even caring about the small hanging pieces of flesh that would soon be forming on the roofs of our mouths from the blistering cheese that we were shoveling in at an alarming rate. We ate until it was time to pay and leave. With "To Go" boxes in hand and a semi-sense-of-direction at hand we headed back to the bus. Along the way we saw an advertisment for "Hooters". . . No Shit. . . "Hooters". . . in China. We had to see for ourselves. Imagine that if you can Big Boobies in China. That would be like finding male Chinese porn stars hung like "Horses". That's right you'd have to see it to believe it. . .Same here. We were now on a mission to find "Hooters". We asked every person we met if they knew where Hooters was, we even used the universal sign for Hooters, you know hands on the chest rapidly rising to signify humongous bags O'fun. Well we might as well been on a mission to find the "G" spot because we had no luck finding "Hooters". We found out after we had returned to the bus that the only way to get to Hooters was through an outside entrance in the back of the mall. Why?. . . Oh why?. . . do they treat Hooters like the "Bat Cave"? What a cruel cruel world. Well I'm sure that it made Joanies day as she was not thrilled with the possiblity of me checking out "China Titties". . .Damnit!!! We left to go back to the hotel for the customary shower and preparation for our next adventure, which would be the Chinese Acrobat Show.

After the freshen session we reboarded the Shanghai Shot off to dinner and a show. We had once again managed to fins a Chinese resturant in China . . .Go figure! After dinner there was about an hour to kill so they let us run a muck up and down the street in an old part of Shanghai. There was nothing interesting along the way except for the fact that we found out where "The Red Panties Grow", I have pictures and can prove it too. I guess it's on the same lines of "Where The Red Fern Grows" but only this I believe involved a slutty woman not a dog. We made our way back to the resturant and boarded the bus to the theatre. Once we arrived it was another "Chinese Fire Drill" where a massive crowd of people tried to squeeze into one door all the while trying not to lose any kids or become separated from your group. After much people juggling of our own it was "Show Time"! We watched in absolute AWE of what the Acrobats were doing. They were performing completly unimaginable feats of balance, juggling and all around amazing things. We had an excellent time and this was a memory that I am sure we would not soon forget. We were now off to the hotel for a night of packing our things in preparation.

Silky Drawers. . . A No Eat Dinner For All. . . And A Waterfront Cruise

Well we awoke to another hot and humid day (Big Surprise). We have a busy day ahead of us where we are to go to a silk factory, and group dinner in an older part of Shanghai, and an evening cruise on what I could only hop wasn't the SS Minnow.

Well as usual we all gathered in the lobby in preparation to board the bus for another amusement park ride, I mean bus ride to our next adventure. . .The silk factory. We arrived at the silk factory and went inside where we were introduced to our lovely Chinese factory guide "Ping Pong" or something that had a "ing" and an "ong" in it. She proceeded to tell us everything about the silk worm, pupa's and moths. After a quick introduction we went inside that actual factory where all of the action was taking place, and man was it a hot bed of activity. There were two employees in this hot stinky room that smelled like a mixture of ass and turpentine, and they were in the process of boiling the silk cocoon's in hot water. We were all praying that this wasn't going to be served as lunch where it would be served using some sort of cleaver name like "Pork, beef or chicken cocoon broth with western style vegetable soup". It wasn't, thank god, it was only the step before they threaded the individual silk threads on some massive machine that looked like at any minute it would suck you in and spit you out. These women didn't look phased in the slightest as they proceeded to put their hand in harms way time and time again, and there wasn't even one safety guard in sight on any of the thousands of moving parts, which by the way were moving at what I estimated as "The Speed of Sound". We watched in complete amazement that not only could they see the tiny silk threads but that they could accurately attached them to the wheel on the bus that go round and round. After we watched this for a few minutes or guide, "Wing Wong" took us into the next room where there was an employee with some more of the cocoons and she had them in cold water where she was opening them up and fishing out the little dead remains of whatever critter used to live inside. After she removed death she began stretching the little silk caskets over a piece of bent bamboo like she was stretching it to make a silk condom, or at the very least it was a silk condom and she was putting it on a bamboo penis. She was repeating this again and again. Our guide "Ling Long" informed us that this was a very tough material and that it could not be penetrated. I know I used "Condom" "Penis" and "Penetrated" in less than two sentences, but it couldn't be helped. She asked for a volunteer to try and penetrate the silk with their fingers, and wouldn't you know it all the volunteers were women. The next station was the one where there were four employees (Bringing the total factory employee count to 7 not including our guide "Sing Song") stretching the dried silk condoms into comforter size sheets, talk about "Large Size", damn. They continue to stretch many many layers and when there are a preset amount this is the batting that is inside of a 100% pure silk comforter. That's right little tiny rinsed coffins stretched like a three day old piece of Bazooka Bubble Gum, into death sheets, all so you can stay warm on a cold winters night. The next fact was one that we could have done without. Apparently these comforters never need washing and last for about five years. Let me repeat what our guide "Ding Dong" said, these magnificent comforters "Never need to be washed and they last about five years". What the FUCK does she mean they never have to be washed in their five years of service to the hot and sweaty people who use them, Is she high on crack???? They probably last more than five years it's just that you can't stand the stench coming from them in about five years, which all depends on your personal hygiene habits and your patterns of illness encountered in that five years. They attributed it to it's natural hypoallergenic qualities of the natural silk caskets, I mean cocoon's. . .Bullshit! At any rate it quickly became apparent what this place actually was when we looked at the racks of comforters and beautiful silk coverings in the next room and what's that on the wall? Oh, it's a huge "FUCKING PRICE LIST". That's right we have been duped into a masterful sales pitch. . .well son of a bitch I didn't see that coming. This must have commission written all over it for our guide "King Kong". At any rate we went into the next room which was concealed behind a curtain and low a Fucking behold it was a giant sales floor. It had racks and racks of everything from silk PJ's to silk shirts and ties to silk panties. Now we're talking, silk panties. . . silk panties. . . and more. . . silk panties! This is where the men parted company with the women as this had all the making of a feeding frenzy written all over it. You could see the color drain from the men's faces while the eyes of the women glazed over like they had been smoking pot from the "Bong of Life". I think I heard one on the women calling it "The Christmas Miracle". . .Shit, I think it was my wife. At any rate the men sat in the small adjoining cafe drinking a cool beverages and hoping that the women didn't get too stupid with the spending. There were a couple of times that I saw my wife with arm loads full of stuff and that's when I had the overwhelming desire to run into the busy street and play in traffic. We soon boarded the bus and when the head count was taken it was found that there were still two people unaccounted for. That's right one was my wife (The traffic was looking better all of the time). After about ten minutes the two women arrived on the bus to the cheers of everyone and the inquisitive questions by the women on the bus as to what they had purchased. I swear if my wife says she bought a silk comforter . . .Traffic here I come. She didn't and after she had shown everything that she had bought I asked her how much she had spent and she said it wasn't too bad and she proceeded to tell me how much in Yuan. Needless to say after doing the math I "Shat" right there in my seat and once she realized how much she had spent in American she "Shat" too. Well unfortunately our kids won't be going to college and I'm gonna quote Forrest Gump by saying "And that's all I have to say about that".

Well we were off to our next destination, dinner as a group. We arrived at our destination where we had to walk about 15 blocks to the restaurant through some major winding streets past McDonald's, KFC, and even Pizza Hut. We were told by our guide that we had about two hours to shop on this street before dinner and we were to meet back at the restaurant 5:00pm. Well of course with the threat of another meal consisting of Chinese food we did what any red blooded Americans would do. . . we ate at McDonald's. Every place that you go in China is crowded to say the least and this McDonald's was no exception. Lines, lines and more lines and once you get your food there is nowhere to sit down. Fortunately for us we are not shy people and we sat with strangers. In a country of a "Kabillion" people you can't be afraid to invade someones personal space and good golly miss Molly that's exactly what we did. At one point I had even thought of sitting on this old woman's lap, but I used some self control. After our meal Joanie went to the "Facilities" and this is where she had the pleasure of using the toilet standing in about an inch and a half of "Urine", that's right good old Chines pee pee. She spent a good twenty minutes wiping the bottoms of her shoes off with her disinfecting wipes that she had in he Mary Poppins bag. We sat in the restaurant taking up space just because it had air conditioning and chairs. Well it was rapidly approaching our meeting time so we all returned to the restaurant as instructed by our guide. We went upstairs to the restaurant where we soon found out that we were not the only ones who ate in an attempt to get real food. Everyone except five people showed up to the restaurant stuffed and not able to eat anything. I am sure the restaurant staff must have thought that we thought their food was the most disgusting thing as nobody ate anything. Jenn and I did however find the beer quite tasty. After dinner at the restaurant it was time to return to the hotel and freshen up for the evening waterfront cruise extravaganza.

We got back to our rooms with just enough time for a quick shower, get dressed and get back down to the lobby for the magic carpet ride to the waterfront. We got to the waterfront along with a shit load of other people in an attempt to get on one of may boats that cruise the river. This was mayhem at it's finest. We successfully boarded the boat where myself and my oldest son were separated from the heard to the top deck of the boat. We made our way to the side rail of the boat where we found a gate that blocked off the bow of the boat where it looked like there was VIP seating. Well as everyone knows I am a VIP in my own mind, but even more so when I with one of my son's and we are separated from the heard. At any rate I proceeded to check if the gate was locked, and wouldn't you know it. . .The silly Chinese forgot to lock it. . .SCORE! Well as you can probably guess we proceeded to rapidly fill the role of VIPs and sat in our "Front Row Seats" like we belonged there. We soon found out that these seats cost extra and when we were asked for our tickets I confidently told the person that we already gave them to the guy around the corner who had asked for them a few minutes ago. . .Damn I'm good, or bad depending on how you look at it. We cruised the waterfront for about an hour snapping as many pictures as we could of the neon lit skyline and buildings that seemed to come to life. Needless to say this was way cool. When our boat docked we all disembarked from the boat and everyone in our group wanted to know where we had disappeared to, and man when the commoners found out where us VIPs spent the evening cruise, were they jealous. We boarded the buses and it was back to the hotel. We returned to the hotel where it was nightie night for all. Tune in tomorrow for the next exciting episode of "As Shanghai Spins"

Holy Shit. . .All Aboard. . .Shanghai Here We Come!!!

Last night we had a meeting to end the evening. The band director let everyone know that everyone who had a large instrument or extra suitcase(s) that they could live without for a day maybe two, were to take them downstairs and they would be transported by truck to the hotel in Shanghai. The reason that he was suggesting this was that the sleeper train had very limited space for luggage storage. So much so that whatever you brought with you had to stay in your sleeping compartment. Let's not forget that there are four people to a sleeping compartment and with all of the women that are not willing to part with their curling irons and hairspray even for a day, should make this a very interesting trip to say the least. All of the big instruments were transported downstairs along with only two suitcases, that's right only two suitcases . . .Holy Shit Are We In Trouble!



The day started with an early breakfast consisting of Rice, Rice and more Rice. Then it was back to the room to retrieve the rest of our suitcases and check out of our respective rooms. Everything went off without a hitch and we loaded the bus with the rest of our collective belongings. Did I mention that. . .Holy Shit We Are In Trouble! There were so many suitcases that they wouldn't even fit underneath the bus in the luggage hold. . .Holy Shit Are We In Trouble! I think everyone can see a theme starting to develop. With our Shanghai Sleigh loaded to the gills with every one's worldly possessions it was off to do some last minute shopping. What the Fuck! Do we really need anything more. For Christ sake I think somebody even bought the bones of a Chinese Emperor, or at the very least one of his concubines. Well it was another successful shopping trip where we bought the last remaining items that we hadn't bought to date. I believe that it consisted of Chinese Powdered Deer Penis, two meditation balls and the last folding fan in China . . . SCOOOORE!



After our stop, it was back aboard the Shanghai Slingshot and off to the Beijing Railway Station. We arrived at the Railway Station and parked in the parking lot which was not far according to our mountain goat guide John. It was in fact about three quarters of a mile away. We unloaded ALL of our "Shit" into one huge heap along side the bus and proceeded to sort the hugantic, ginormous pile out, and each grabbed our respective bags. We then proceeded to hike like a tour of wayward explorers on a quest for Mount Everest. There was John in the lead, which by the way he did not have any bags in tow and was walking like his "Ass" was on fire. With a combination of the lovely Beijing heat and the Nascar pace in which John had lead us to the front of the railway station, I was now a seething, sweat soaked ball of happiness. We waited for a few minutes while our guide John got everything organized and we tried to rehydrate as quickly as possible. It was at this moment that John gathered us into a huddle and informed us that for security reasons that if anyone was to talk to us that we were to claim to be Russian. What the hell do you mean Russian! Well I guess John felt that Americans were being made out as targets and that we would be safer traveling as a tour of Russians. I still don't know why in the hell anyone from Russia, a communist country, would want to take a tour of China, another communist country. Maybe it was in search of Chinese food. At any rate we complied with John's wishes as we did not want to wind up. . .Well, DEAD! It was bad enough that this was a train station and we all know how popular it is to bomb train stations amongst terrorist. My comfort level was not very high at this point. We then proceeded through what they called the "Security Check Point". Hell, being greeted by the Fucking Wal-Mart Greeter has more security than the damn railway station. Now I see why the terrorists bomb the shit out of train stations. Hell I surprised that they don't sell bombs in the Fucking gift shop in this place. . .Holy Shit, Holy Shit, and once again Holy Shit!!! We then ascended to the second floor on the escalators with all of our treasures in tow. We arrived on the second floor of the train station to the most crowded room of people that I believe I have ever been witness to. Hell it worse than Wal-Mart on welfare day. John quickly made arrangements for all of us Russian to occupy a room around the corner by the gate where we to board the Shanghai Express. As we filed through the crowded room I was witness to one of the most amazing thing I think had seen so far. A mother with her child squatting and pissing on the floor. That's right all of you civilized people "P-I-S-S-I-N-G" on the "Fucking Floor". This really made me wonder that the other day when I had my brush with the "Call of Nature", I should have dropped my drawers and just "Shit" on the God Dam floor myself. I doubt that anyone would have even batted an eye. After witnessing this I can honestly say I have seen it all now. We rounded the corner to the area where our gate was and proceeded to wait as we had about 45 minutes until we had to board the train. While we were waiting to board our train I scoped out our surroundings. I began to wonder why we were on the second floor when the train tracks are on the damn ground. Well my question was soon answered. The answer was very simple, it was so that everyone who was "Stupid" enough to bring luggage with them would end up damn near falling down the stairs, breaking the handles off of their rolling suitcases, and becoming an angry mental patient in search of someone to kill.



Well we hear the call "ALL ABOARD", and it was off to the races. People popped out of everywhere and we descended through the gate like a pack of wild hyenas chasing the weakest wildebeests or at least the elderly Wal-Mart Greeter. We filed down a tunnel to a flight of stairs, not an escalator like when we came up to the second floor, but a set of God Damn stairs. It was apparent now that someone hated us Russians to no end as the escalators off to the right were not working and surely why should they nobody would be "Stupid" enough to bring luggage on a sleeper train. My conspiracy theory mind was now working overtime and I was well on the road to drawing my own conclusions to this cruel game we were now part of. I believe it was on the lines of rats in a maze concept or at the very least the strongest shall survive theory. We all got to the bottom of the stairs but not without damages and mental issues. I am now sure that if one more Asian Asshole lays one Fucking Hand on me they are going to eat an all American elbow sandwich, not Russian, AMERICAN! We were now beating a path for rail car two and wouldn't you know it the stairs emptied out at rail car 16. Oh boy another twelve mile hike. After a hike that seemed to extend into Mongolia or at least halfway to Shanghai we arrived at the door to our rail car. The snake of people and luggage wound for quite a distance and goody goody only 15 minutes to board. The occupants of our cabin were in the middle section of the human snake. As we were entering the rail car we were surprisingly greeted by our guide John, and he looked very panicked as he told us that we only had five minutes left to board and it didn't matter weather of not we were on the train, hanging from the train or even underneath the damn thing it was leaving the station. He said we "MUST" get on board ASAP HURRY HURRY HURRY!! We did just that, everyone in my cabin were like a foursome of Army Rangers with a loud shot of MOVE MOVE MOVE!!, we bailed into our tint little sleeper cabin asshole to asshole elbow to elbow and a mixture of sweat and luggage pile on top. We laughed our asses off for at least 15 minutes as we so wedged in or cabin that it was like we were a giant ball of tangled yarn. There I laid with my 60 pound backpack on my back, me on my back with my legs flailing in the air like a dying cockroach. I finally got to my feet to the popping sound of a Pringle Potato Chip can exploding. That's right my fat ass just popped a Pringle's can of sour cream and onion potato chips all over our new cozy sleeper compartment. From the look on the face of the female cabin stewardess she was none too happy with the recent potato carpet that we had nicely woven for her viewing pleasure. She proceeded to clean up the mess on the floor an shot us one pissed off Bruce Lee look. As a matter of fact believe that in some sort of twisted Ninja way we all lost three years off of our lives. . .I'm sure of it.



We organized our bags in the area created for this purpose and to our surprise it all fit, but then again we are guys and for the most part we don't have all of the tune up equipment that women have. We had numerous visitor before dinner and they were all amazed as to how much bigger our sleeper cabin seemed than theirs. I guess you could call it bigger if you from "Munchkin Land" or at the very least an infant. It wasn't long and "Diner Was Served". I must admit dinner was pretty good even though it had rice in it. After dinner we wandered to the "Bar Car", where you would think I would find a place to unwind, get away from kids and crowded spaces, no such luck. We entered the Bar Car to both the Fresno State musicians and the Oregon State musicians already three sheets to the wing having a frat style sing off where each group was spouting off it's respective school song. . .Fuck Me Running I'm Getting To Old For This Shit! We bought a few bottles of water and retreated to our sleeper cozy for a movie. Bobby had hes laptop fully charged so we watched a movie then it was off to bed. I was very surprised as to how smooth the ride was and how well I slept. That was at least until I was woke up at around 2:30am by the sound of Michael Hayes repeatedly saying Dennis. . .DENnis. . .DENNIS!. When I woke up I found Dennis Crow fumbling with the door handle, rubbing leavers and flipping switches. I asked him what the hell he was doing? He told me that he was locked in and couldn't figure out how to get out of the room and he really had to piss. I immediately started to laugh at the sheer desperation in his voice and the inability to find the lock lever. I unlocked the door and let him out. When he returned he told me that earlier in the evening someone had knocked on the door but he couldn't figure out how to open the door then either. We had a good laugh over the whole thing and decided to try and get some more shut eye. We were woke up a few hours later by the train steward telling us that the bathrooms would be closing in about a half an hour and if we wanted to use them this was the last call. We found out that this was because the toilets flush onto the tracks and they did not want this to happen too close to the train station. . .Yuck! Although with the recent discovery about where it is acceptable to relieve yourself this new tidbit of information comes as no real surprise. It was a quick "Hi Ho Tinkle Away" and we were at the train station in Shanghai. As we were in our cabin gathering our personal belongings Dennis was moving his blanket and pillows and what do you think he found? Well, he found what appeared to be a "Fecal Smear" on his sheet under his pillows, That's right a huge "Shit Stain" on his sheet. This is where Dennis lost his mind and shouted "What the Fuck Is That"? It would appear that someone had gone to the bathroom on the train and found that there was no toilet paper, as is so popular in the god forsaking place, and they were without their socks. We then could only come to one conclusion and that was whomever did this must have come back to their sleeper cabin and wiped their ass with the sheet. So this is what we now call the legend of the "Fecal Sheets". We had only a limited amount of time to laugh and be grossed out by the large sheet of cotton ass wipe and then we found ourselves undergoing another hysterical panicked evacuation from the train, "Good Times Good Times". With the nasty thought of the fecal sheets fresh in our minds we walked another fourteen miles through back alleys and broken sidewalks to where our bus was parked. This particular bus was half the size as the ones we had in Beijing, which resulted in us having to leave half of our luggage on the sidewalk in the possession of a complete stranger where it would wait until a truck arrived to pick it up and delivery it to our hotel. That's right we parted with some of our luggage on the streets of Shanghai. This has all the makings of a tragic movie where the treasure of the far east that were contained in our abandoned luggage were sold on the streets in a quickly developed open air market. We nervously went to a breakfast where none of were in the mood to eat as all we wanted to do is to be reunited with our belongings.



We left the restaurant in short order on the bus and soon arrived at the hotel to find a massive pile of luggage in front of the hotel. The massive group of people began the sorting and checking in process and it was a mere three hours until we were in our rooms safe and sound. We freshened up and then met at the buses for our next outing. . .A Tour Of The Bond Area". This must be Chinese for "River Walk", because that's exactly what it was a walk along the river. On one side Old Shanghai on the other New Shanghai. After about forty five minutes into the walk a heavy rain storm hit, and low and behold there were umbrella salesman coming out of every nook and cranny as a matter of fact I think one may have actually came out of my own ass. After we had all purchased an umbrella (Not before thoroughly bartering for them first) we made our way to the meeting place, the tea room. . . go figure. The tea room was gorgeous but there was only one problem. It was built to hold twenty Chinese people and three full size people. Unfortunately there were about one hundred wet teens and their chaperone's crammed in the tea room. Well all were crammed in there, everyone but our mascot "Thimble Bladder" AKA Dennis Crow, who was across the courtyard taking another "Wicked Tinkle". We later found out that he was the only white person in the crowd across the courtyard, thank god he was pretending to be a Russian. After a while the rain had subsided enough to retreat to the rocket guided death buses back to the Galaxy hotel. We thought that the bus drivers were aggressive in Beijing, man were we sadly mistaken. These bus drivers really don't give a shit about anything. I actually think I saw the driver close his eyes and grip the wheel and turned into traffic to make an abrupt U-Turn. The turn was a success much to the dismay of the screaming passengers. Well we arrived back at the hotel in time for dinner, another round of showers and an evening cigar amongst the stars. Oh yeah by he way the relief from the extreme hot weather that we were hoping for now that we were on the coast. . .well no such luck we were still in hot humid hell. There is much to do tomorrow so I had better go and let every one's eyes rest from the lengthy read.

From Packing To Peking Duck

Well we woke up this morning to our last day at the "Compound" and the weather was as hot as ever. I must say I'm looking forward to going to Shanghai as it is a coastal city and should offer some type of relief from the humidity, you know ocean breezes, marine layers and maybe even coastal fog and mist. I know we are not supposed to pray in this communist country but to hell with that I'm praying. Okay maybe praying is a little bit of a stretch for me but I am wishing upon a star really really hard. We began to organize our clothes in preparation to pack, along with our recently found Chinese treasures. That is when we found out just how little space we really had in our luggage. At this point we were definitely contemplating what we were willing to throw away in order make room for the extras that we just couldn't live without. The first round of eliminations took place without too much of a second thought. I won't even miss those dress shoes either. Hopefully there is a Chinese maid with a mans size eleven foot. We also were able to condense mine and Joanie's dirty clothes down to one suitcase thanks to Joanie's unmatched burrito rolling skills, to use the phase that Dennis Crow came up with. That's right burrito rolling skills, but in this place and time I think she was in the spirit of things and was actually rolling "Egg Rolls". Everything was now as snug as a bug in a rug and we spent the rest of the afternoon exploring our Asian Sauna even more and revisiting the little local store to buy more junk food that has became a staple to our filling diet that we were all gorging ourselves with. . .NOT!

After our afternoon ventures it was another round of showers for all and an evening of getting dressed up to enjoy our farewell dinner which consisted of a Peking Duck dinner. I opted out for a evening stroll and a cigar, as I an not a huge fan of the little greasy fowl. From the conversations that had with many of the Duckie Diners they had fun but they did say that I hadn't missed much. We all looked forward to our upcoming change of venue to Shanghai and the ensuing "Sleeper Train" adventure. This was a first for everyone that I talked to and if it was anything like our adventure up until now it was bound to be some seriously funny shit. So until tomorrow stay tuned for the funny shit to continue.

Cops. . .Shops. . .And The Man With One Sock!

Well to day we were supposed to go to the summer palace, but we had a traveler bus vote and decided against another day of walking 26 miles taking more pictures of Ancient Chinese buildings. Which by the way all look alike kind of like the Chinese themselves. I know that was a stereotype statement but it is so true. We boarded the bus and let our tour guide John know that we wanted to go shopping instead of visiting the summer palace. He was surprised at our request and I actually think he was a little offended as the Chinese people are sooo proud of their history. Seriously though we were letting our capitalist ways drive out decisions and it didn't hurt that we were all hooked on the bartering style of shopping either. John informed the bus driver as to the change of plans and it was at this time that the bus driver came out of his ass and began yelling something very violent at John. This was all it took for our guide to go from mild mannered guide to Whirling Tasmanian Devil Ninja. He proceeded to yell back at the driver something even more violent that I'm sure meant "Oh No You Didn't Bitch" followed by "Don't Make Me Go Ninja On Your Ass And Pull You Heart From Your Chest And Show It To You While It's Still Beating You Asshole". This Drove the bus driver over the edge and he proceeded to stop the bus and squared off at our guide as if there was going to be a fucking Samurai Showdown right here and now in front of God, Buddha and everyone. John calmly proceeded to slowly say "Kung Pow, Egg Foo Yung, Fried Rice" or some other soothing Chinese phrase which I think was a threat that he would have the drivers job if he didn't shut the hell up. The driver began driving and John immediately got on his cell phone and called what I believe was the bus drivers boss, as after his short conversation John informed us that we would be getting off this bus and get onto another bus, one with a driver who was not such a "Bitch". The driver must have had a feeling what was coming, because he must have started "Kissing John Ass" to the point of ecstasy on the part of John because they kissed and made up just as quickly as they had fallen out of love with each other. As a bus load of credible witnesses can attest to "I wouldn't want to piss "Ninja John" off, as he could probably kill you with one finger in the blink of an eye. After the kiss and make up session we were off to our Beijing destination for shopping. After about ten minutes we arrived at the first of many "Police Check Points", the same one that we had been through many times during our travels to this point. The only difference today is that the police got a wild hair up their ass and decided to board the bus for a "Passport Check". This was a very different experience as an armed police officer boarded the bus and checked every persons passport. Everyone could tell that this was a very serious thing because our guide John told us to take out our passports and "Do not say anything". We all just sat there showing the very angry looking officer our passports. I am pretty sure I peed a little too. After our brief brush with what I like to think of as "Death", we were back on the road to "Mecca". We arrived at "Mecca", better known as the shopping mall in about an hour. We were all bubbling with excitement in anticipation of what new Chinese treasures await us inside. Before we departed the bus we were all informed that there were supposedly very nice western style restrooms on the sixth floor. With that information I decided to leave my backpack on the bus as I had taken it everywhere we had gone up to this point. It weighed around 60 pounds as it had everything from bug repellent, a hat, food, anti-diarrhea medication and even what I think was a kitchen sink. We ascended on the shopping mall like a mass of "Red White and Blue Locusts". That's right, back to the "Locust" thing again. We "Let The Games Begin" once again, and I must say we all approached the challenge as if though we were seasoned veterans at the "Game" and we were not to be out bid to the point that we all bought "Shit We Didn't Need". I mean we "REEAAALLLLYYY Bought Shit We Didn't Need". I saw people with huge lighters, Chairman Mau watches which were probably guaranteed to work until tomorrow, more folding fans than any one person should be allowed to have, and chopsticks, chopsticks and even more chopsticks. Nobody gave a shit either because it was all ours and we were conquering the enemy, I mean sellers, at a unprecedented rate never before seen to the point that I'm sure if there had been local media present that I'm sure it would have been the top story of the evening beating out any Olympic story of the day, because as far as I'm concerned we are all "Olympic Bartering Gold Medalists".

During my frenzy the call of nature took a hold of me and I mean "The Call", but no worries there is a nice western bathroom on the sixth floor right. . . WRONG! If there was I sure couldn't find it and no one spoke English that I could ask either. I wandered up and down the escalators venturing into areas of the mall that I'm sure I wasn't supposed to be in. I knew that the rule of thumb in the shopping malls is the higher the floor the better the quality of merchandise that is sold there, and the top floor is generally reserved for fancy jewelry stores. That's where I was headed as there had to be a great bathroom where the fancy stuff was, plus I was about to shit my pants. I wandered around "Clinched" to the point that I believe I had began to make a "Shit Diamond" when I could wait no longer and could not be picky about my bathroom choices. It was at this point I saw the face of an "Asian Angel", and I proceeded to give the universal sign for washing my hands (Wringing my hands). She understood me immediately or at least recognized the "Clinched" walk accompanied by the "I'm About to Shit My Pants Look", at any rate she lead me to a back room where the bathroom was. It was about the size of a broom closet but I could care less. I closed the door spun around on my heels like Michael Jackson, dropped trou then . . . ."FIRE IN THE HOLE!! I was relieved beyond belief. As I sat there sighing with relief I scanned my surroundings in search of toilet paper. What's this a sign . . ."Please Do Not Flush Toilet Paper Down The Toilet - Please Put In The Trash Receptacle". Yuck this was something new that I was not expecting at all. I also was not expecting to find the absence of toilet paper either but I did, and me without my Fucking backpack too. Wow that was a genius thing to do, what was I thinking. I gave the area another scan in search of anything that I could use as toilet paper this side of using my hand. . . . No such luck. It was at this point I turned into McGyver and during one of my scans of my surroundings I spotted my socks, that's right my socks. Well I think you can guess what I did next. Needless to say I entered the bathroom with both my sock on and left with one in the bathroom trash receptacle and a spare in my pocket. I bid my Asian Angel farewell and left hopefully with nobody noticing my lack of attire with which I had entered. I met up with the rest of my shopping companions where their powers of observation as to the missing socks were as lacking as I had hoped the Chinese were.

We agreed that we were all hungry and that we should get something to eat. I told everyone that I had seen a pizza place on my hurried travels on the fifth floor. We ascended to the fifth floor and proceeded to order a pizza. When the pizza arrived we devoured it and on the outer crust edge embedded in the cheese was a nice black Chinese hair, "Holy Shit Can The Day Get Any Worse". When the waitress came with our bill I expressed my dissatisfaction as to the cracker jack prize we had found in our food. This is when she apologized with deep regret and informed us that this had never happened before and she tried to make it better by giving me a free can of Coke. She also informed us that there would be "Punishments Handed Out". We were just hoping that the gunfire in the kitchen would not ensue until we had paid our bill and had left. We settled up our bill and damn near ran out of the restaurant without hearing any shots ring out.

We finished our day of shopping and during our walk to the bus I confessed my adventure in the hopes of educating others with the "Always Bring Something To Wipe Your Ass" lesson. They all had a good laugh, but everyone was in agreement that it was quick thinking on my part. We returned once again to "The Compound" another round of showers for all then it was off to dinner where we were pleasantly surprised by what we found, for once there was no rice in sight. . . . .Just kidding it was there along with the "Same Old Shit Different Day" menu we have had since we arrived. Tomorrow will be a day of packing preparations for the train ride to Shanghai and a Peking duck farewell dinner. . .Until then see ya! And always remember to wear your socks . . .

Picking Up Where I Left Off.

WARNING: THIS BLOG ENTRY MAY CONTAIN SOME ADULT LANGUAGE AND SITUATIONS AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.



Well after much thought and a lot of very kind and encouraging words I have decided to reinstate the blog and finish what I started. The disclaimer that is at the top of each blog post will remain. It is not to warn readers about the language, but just another place for me to be a "Smart Ass" and rebel against "The Man". So let's begin.



In A Galaxy Far Far Away.... or at least a land far far away. We last left our adventurers as they were being left off for some free time in Beijing. After a most satisfying meal at one of the "Kabillion" KFC's located in the city of Beijing, we were let loose in one of the shopping malls in the area. The shopping malls are multiple story buildings where bartering and general carnage takes place. The Chinese people love to haggle over the selling price of everything from silk goods to magic beans. We were told by our guide that the "Asking Price" was not the lowest "Selling Price" that the financial rapists, I mean vendors would settle for. The etiquette for the eBay style of bartering was since there were no prices on anything, was to ask "How Much"? After the initial question was posed, it was "Let The Games Begin", where the first counter offer was spewed from the buyers mouth, followed by a look of utter disbelief on the face of the seller. This was usually due to the fact that most buyers spit out an offer that was so ridiculously low that it damn near makes the seller have a seizure. The next offer was generally entered into the keypad of a calculator and the display was spun around to be viewed by the buyer. This was generally where we Americans would utter something like "What Are You High"?, then return the next low offer. This system went back and forth until an agreeable price was determined or until the more stubborn party gave up. For me the art of arguing with the seller was the most fun I had the entire time I was in China. My goal was to make one of the Chinese sellers so damn mad that they would throw something, and I don't mean a fit, I mean actually physically throw something. As most of you who know me and even those of you who are getting to know me through this blog, you can imagine just how far my crazy ass is willing to take shit, that's right, usually too fucking far. At any rate I scoped out my first subject and stepped up to the plate. I proceeded to pose the question "How Much"?Tthis signaled the start of the funnest shit I think I have ever been a part of. The item that I chose to try and buy was a cheap folding fan, and trust me I sought out one that would make look as manly as a guy can look fanning himself with a folding Geisha fan. "Holy Shit" can you all picture me fanning myself with the "Gaylord Geisha Fan". I chose this item not only because I wanted to start off small, but my big fat sweaty ass could use a way to try and cool it off. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Chinese currency it is called Yuan (Pronounced like you are calling a Mexican gardener "Yo Juan") and it takes roughly 6.5 Yuan's to equal a dollar. So when I asked the proverbial question the sellers response was 100 Yuan. I had an immediate case of turret's syndrome and blurted out "What the "HELL" are you crazy". The seller was very amused by my reaction and laughed then asked me "BestPrice? You Best Price?"and handed me a calculator, where I proceeded to enter in the number 15. The seller spit out what I can only imagine was the equivalent to "What in the name of Budda, are you crazy you capitalist pig". This is where I countered offered with, that's right, my first price of 15 yoyo's. I know, I know I had a breach in etiquette in the bidding steps, I said I loved the process, I never said I was good at it. At any rate she countered with a bid of 80 "Ying Yangs". I thought I would stick with my original bid and see if this would drive her even more nuts or at least induce her to speak perfect English. I am sure they all can speak perfect English and are just trying to get into our heads with their broken English and Chinese accent (Conspiracy Theorists Beware). She countered with 50 "Yo Mama's" She handed me the calculator and said "You best offer, you best offer" (That's right more broken English), so I thought I would be generous and change my original bid and proceeded to show her the calculator display while I entered my latest offer. As she looked on, I proceeded to enter 40 Wontons followed by subtracting 25, leaving that's right. . . . . . 15. She rolled her eyes and mumbled something that sure sounded a lot like "SSSHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT". I knew it perfect English. It was at this time that I informed her that the fan was not only made of plastic but also "Made In China", go figure. She proceeded to tell me that it was not plastic it was "Plastic Like", and very good quality. . .Horse Shit it was cheap, cheap, cheap. It was at this point that I decided I would move on as there are many more sheep to fleece and proceeded to put my wallet away and just walk away. As I got about thirty feet away from her she yelled "Okay Okay 15". I returned to the stand and proudly claimed my prize. Oh my god I love my new found hobby of driving as many of the Chinese thief's, I mean seller as nuts as possible. I was in a zone and was drooling at the opportunity to seek out my next piece of shit, I mean valuable souvenir to try and steal, I mean buy from the thief's, I mean sellers. These markets are a packed space of booth after booth of Chinese people wanting to sell the same shit stand after stand after stand to the point where after getting to the end of a row of about ten to fifteen stands and being asked If I wanted to buy a memory card at each and every stand, I stopped at the last one that asked, and proceeded to ask the last seller "Did you not hear the last fifteen people ask me if I wanted to buy a memory card? And did you not hear me tell every one of them "NO!", so what in the hell makes you think I want one from you. . .Hmmmmmmmmmm?



After about two hours of carnage and unrelenting arguing we decided to take a break and wander down the streets of Beijing to explore the various Chinese shops that lined the streets. We wander aimlessly scoping out many shops one where my oldest son bought a vacuum packed severed chicken head. . . yup severed chicken head. He thought he would give it as a gift to everyone's favorite person on this trip. . .The director. . . with much love might I add. As we passed the walk up sex shop, where you could walk up to the widow and pick up anything in the adult novelties from "Wiener Be Hard Pills" to a multitude of Dildos in a rainbow of colors. After a few pictures of the unbelievable store front we went into a small shop that resembled a quaint antique shop (Yeah Yeah I know I said "Quaint", Sorry). We looked around for a few minutes, but more importantly it had ass kicking air conditioning. As we were looking around the shop keeper became interested as to where we were from and we told her from America. I proceeded to give her a few of the California hat pins I had bought for the purpose of giving them out to people I meet. This apparently was the best thing since sliced bread to her, because she proceeded to say we were good friends of the family and gave us everything in the damn shop but the keys to the front door. Bracelets, necklaces, you name it. She was one of the most generous people that I have ever met. We had to leave before she bankrupted herself. We bought some items without even trying to barter the price down as we already got the deal of the century with the free items that we had received as gifts. After we bonded with our new found friend we wandered even further down the street to try and find something cold to drink. We found drinks in a local liquor store along with some very interesting bottles of alcohol that not only had booze in them, but things like snakes. The one that my oldest son Bobby bought was a bottle of Saki with a black scorpion and a cobra in the bottle that's right a "Scorpion" and a "Cobra". This was the second very strange gift that he had bought in less than an hour. I think we will have to keep an eye on him to make sure that's it's just phase of morbid curiosity and not some new leaf he is turning over. We shopped for a few more hours without anything of any significance to mention. We hauled our sweaty beings back to the bus and returned to our hotel in "Grand Epoch City", what we now fondly refer to as "The Compound". After showers all around it was off to dinner where we had . . . . . . . . drum roll please. . . . . . ."RICE"!!!! Well I am glad to be back on the story telling wagon so until we meet again. . .Toodles!

The Forbidden City Is One Big Ass Place

ATTENTION: THIS BLOG ENTRY CONTAINS ADULT CONTENT IN THE WAY OF LANGUAGE AND DESCRIPTIONS. I AM STILL WORKING ON THE PORN THOUGH . . . JUST A JOKE MOM!

Well today was the day that we visited the Forbidden City. We departed the hotel at around 9:30am and took the snail express to Beijing once again making it there in just about two hours. I looked behind the bus and I thought I saw an actually snail trail, I think it was just the humidity dripping off of the bus though. We made it to our destination and the buses parked and we disembarked the buses to begin the 4o mile hike to the Forbidden City. When I say the "40 Mile Hike" I mean it, just ask your kids when they arrive home. We reached the "Forbidden City" already dripping wet and exhausted. John gathered the group together and explained some information regarding the Forbidden city, then it was through the security check point, then to the ticket booth then through the main gate. We were not even close to being physically prepared prepared as to just how enormous this place is. We found out that it consists of 9999.5 rooms. This includes the rooms for all of the Emperors concubines as well. I have my hands full with the one wife I don't even want to imagine the amount of nagging that 45 concubine could dish out. I am told that the concubines were very subservient in nature and were the "Property" of the emperors for his"Use" and "Pleasure", "Woo Hoo" you go you bad ass Emperor. Try that shit in today's day and age. . . I DON'T THINK SO, SAY'S JOANIE. The more I learn about this concubine thing the more I'm thinking that it's not a bad system, expensive since you have "Take Care" of them like I said expensive but not bad. The tour was long and all I can say is the Chinese love their stairs. I honestly think they are part mountain goat. Today's weather was the same old "Shitty Humid Weather" and turned me into the prettiest sweat pore water fountain in all of Asia. The sweat was literally running, not walking down my arms, legs and yes for that "Too Much Information Crowd" down the crack of my ass. I could be spotted a mile away as i was the funny looking American that looked like he "Pissed His Pants". My attire today was tourist "Way Laid Back" instead of tourist "Casual". It consisted of cargo shorts and a tank top. By wearing this particular it exposed all five of my tattoos. This apparently was something that the Chinese people are definitely not used to. I had everyone from every direction taking pictures of my tattoos and it made me definitely feel like a "Circus Freak". I guess I can die a happy man as I have attained the high standard of "Circus Freak" in a third world country. It got to the point that the Chinese Army personnel stationed throughout the Forbidden City started keeping an eye or eyes on me very closely. I asked John what this was about and he had informed me that before about 1995 the only people who had tattoos were prisoners and high ranking members of Asian Gangs. Either way I must have looked like the biggest wimp of a gang member or prisoner they have ever seen. There I was walking around with my purple spiderman umbrella sweating like a shit load of leaky pipes, how tough that must have looked. At any rate we all were disgustingly hot and sweaty by the end of this tour that were were praying for winter but had to settle for the air conditioned bus instead. I personally want to kiss Willis Haviland Carrier, that's right you guessed it, the inventor of air conditioning.

The bus ride was the best thing since sliced bread. John kept apologizing for the delay in the traffic situation but as far as I was concerned we could have driven around the block a couple of more times before they let us out for our "Free Time". There was no such luck though and they let us out any way to spend some free time in the shopping district in downtown Beijing. Our first immediate stop was KFC for air conditioning, a place to sit and lunch in that exact order. While I was waiting for Joanie to get her food I met a nice gentleman from San Fransisco and we struck up a conversation for few minutes and as he was leaving, we traded pins and that's when I found out that he was an NBC correspondence here to cover some of the Olympics. He had given me his NBC Olympic pin. This pin is probably the best thing I have gotten since I have been here and will treasure it for years to come. Yeah Yeah I know that sounded so "Fucking Gay", I just had to spit on the floor, fart and grab my crotch, you know all that cool "Guy Stuff". I have recovered completely now from that moment and have moved on with my life.

Well there has been a great new development in the saga of censorship on this trip as I have been asked to clean my blog up to the "FUCKING POINT" that I am not going to continue the to write the blog any longer. Thank you for reading my blog and if any of you have any question regarding your children please feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns you may have regarding you kids to my email at nofingrs@sbcglobal.net and I will do my best to get you answers. Now if any of you have any problems about me ending this please feel free to email the director at his email dbryan1109@aol.com

Tianjin And The Olympic Soccer Game What A Great Time

ATTENTION THE FOLLOWING BLOG POST MAY CONTAIN ADULT LANGUAGE AND TOPICS. FOR ANYONE INTERESTED, I AM BUSY ON FIGURING OUT HOW TO INCLUDE PORN AS WELL. . . JUST KIDDING!

Well we are all safe and back from our days journey and I must say it was a blast. The day began with the usual nasty ass breakfast and a quick practice for the performers. This was followed by you guessed the same old rice, steamed bread and various meat-like entrees that they say are chicken, beef and pork. We will just leave it at that because I think it's all been a game of "Just what can we get these people to eat" on the part of the hotel. At any rate this swill session was an early one as we had another three hour bus ride to Tianjin for the Orchestras final performance. This bus ride was like no other I or I am sure any one on any of the 57 buses that's right 57 buses has ever experienced. It was a complete police escort and when I say a complete "Police Escort" I mean complete. The 57 bus motorcade was lead by a lead police vehicle traveling only about 35 miles per hour. At every on ramp to this major highway, traffic was halted and onlookers were out of their cars to see and to get a chance to wave at the "World Famous Olympic Orchestra". We had the entire interstate to ourselves. I will be posting some amazing photos to help everyone get a feel as to just how famous all of our kids have become in a very short time. You can rest assured that even if you have not been receiving much in the way of media coverage the local Chinese television stations and the BBC have been covering every detail on video. I only wish that there was some way to send you all the television coverage directly into your respective houses. It was apparent by the outpouring of onlooker and captive on ramp hostages that this was a major undertaking on the part of the Chinese government to ensure that safety of everyone traveling in our entourage. I think it's probably only a one hour drive to Tianjin but when you are going so slow it takes three hours, but I wouldn't have missed for the world. As for the kids they all slept and could care less about all of the fuss. I have pictures that I will be posting of the little angels snoozing, I only wish I could have been on every bus so all of you friends and family could get a glimpse of one of your kids too.

After our three hour bus rid we disembarked our respective coaches and proceeded in a mass exodus to the Tianjin Cultural Center, as this was where the performance was taking place. In usual fashion there were a massive amount of people all dressed alike. I found it pretty humorous when our director proceeded to tell me to be the last one to follow our group to make sure no one was left behind. After a quick surveying of 2000 people from behind all dressed in the same clothes, all carrying instruments, walking to the same place I could quickly see what a complete idiot the director was being at that moment in time. . .Duh! Well as you might have guessed it we didn't have any rouge performers just running a muck through the streets of Tianjin, everyone of these kids are respectful young adults that are very good a following directions. I know that most of you parents are wondering why in the hell they won't follow instructions at home and if I knew the answer to that question it would be the Dr. Ray Show instead of that damn Dr. Phil. After a quick bathroom break, well as quick as a 2000 person bathroom break can be, they proceeded to set everyone in their respective places in preparation for the performance. As for the weather well you guessed it Hot Hot Hot and Humid Humid Humid!!! If the kids were half as hot as us spectators then I don't see how they didn't pass out. There was a saving grace however, the fact that at each spectators stool there was an umbrella. All of the umbrellas had cartoon characters on them, that's right they were kiddie umbrellas. This as everyone knows is goofy enough to be right up my alley. I originally had a pastel blue one with Dora The Explorer on it but quickly unloaded that piece of shit for a purple Spiderman one. Now I was definitely the coolest one in the crowd. There is nothing better than the visual that everyone must get of a fat, sweaty guy sporting a purple Spiderman umbrella. All I can say is my "Spidey Senses" were tingling to no end. The performance was another success, which was no surprise to anyone in attendance. There were congratulations and hugs for all as this would be the final performance for the Orchestra, man what a ride. We all then proceeded to our awaiting coaches for a boxed lunch. We were pleasantly surprised that the boxed lunch consisted of "McDonalds". Holy Shit and a big Hip Hip Hooray for what I refer to as one of the five food groups. . ."The Big Mac". That's right we all got a Big Mac and a large Coke for our dinner. Oh my were we in heaven. It was soooo overdue we even had vegetarian kids eating it, and that's not because there wasn't anything else it was because it was something familiar. After a hurried "Dinner Alfresco", it was off to the Olympic Event that were to attend. We were once again escorted to the stadium to the cheers of onlookers on both side of the street. We were told by our guide John that Tianjin was not used to seeing so many foreigners and this was a huge event for everyone to see.

Well we arrived at the stadium and proceeded to go through the security check point. This security check point was like the tightest airport security that you could imagine. It was complete with the X-ray machine, the walk through metal detectors and if that wasn't enough everyone was personally wanded. I was wanded by this cute little Chinese security guard, and she didn't miss a spot. As a matter of fact I believe here name was Ling Ling and were are now engaged to be married, or at the very least I might be pregnant with her child after the wanding she gave me. We then proceeded to follow our volunteer helper Crystal to our section where we were all seated as a group in Section D-528. Second story seating front section, I though they were awesome seat. Although I was so excited to be at an Olympic sporting event it could have been just outside of the men's room and I wouldn't have care, but let me just say for the record that I'm glad it wasn't outside the men's room. The event that were saw was the preliminary match between China and Sweden. As you all might have guessed a majority of our section cheered for the Chinese as we felt that it not only would be the respectful thing to do, but it would probably keep the Chinese spectators all around us from tossing us off of the balcony. A good time was had by all and we learned a few new Chinese phrases in the form of cheers. The game ended with China winning 2 to 1. Our surrounding fans waved and said "Hello" as they passed by our section and they were all appreciative of the additional cheers that our very loud section offered in support of their team. After another mass exodus out of the stadium and to our coaches we all settled in for another three hour ride. The return trip was the complete "Police Escort" again. So there you have another great day and great memory for everyone to cherish. Remember to look at the photo site, the link is on the right hand side of the page under Little's links. Please also tell everyone you know to check out the blog and feel free to leave as many comments as you want we love reading them and hearing what you all have to say. I also want to give a shout out to "Sheldon College" in Australia as I have gained a few Friends locally during our stay in Beijing (Aussie Aussie Aussie Oy Oy Oy). Tune in next time for a report about the "Forbidden City". I will post picture tomorrow as it is 3:00am here and I still have to shower and get a few hours of sleep before our 9:30am departure. . .Later!!!

A Huge Thank You To All !

Well I must say that I am choked up by the overwhelming outpouring of support from all of my fans you all are awesome and are the reason that I am doing this. I am also very happy to know that I have friends and fans "Down Under", cheers back to you all mates!!! I definitely knew the word of my blog was getting out but I had no idea how far it was reaching. I will continue to write the blog the way I write it will just come with a boilerplate warning as to adult content when I post something that has adult language, which as most of you who know me will be on a daily basis. Well that all for the thank you posting now I will post the next exciting installment of "As Beijing Turns". . .

Apologies For The Language In Last Nights Entry

I have been told by a few of the fellow travelers that some readers have or may have been offended by the language used in last nights blog entry. I want to apologize if I have offended anyone who may have read the blog, that was not my intentions. For the ones of you that know me personally the language was no suprise I'm sure. At any rate I am sorry and will try and curb the language in the future entries. I will be putting a disclaimer at the beginning of any entries that may contain adult language. If you are offended by this type of language please proceed with caution or do not read it at all.

We Are Not In Kansas Anymore Toto. . .AKA Attack Of The Yellow Locusts.

Well today was filled with a morning of rehearsal followed by a 2008 Olympic Orchestra Group Photo Shoot. The rehearsal was a success, which was no surprise to me as I am convinced the show is perfect. The temperature was unbearable and the rehearsal was in the open parking lot. I would have passed out if it was me, but then again I'm just an old fat chaperone who loves his "Air Conditioning". At any rate after the single run through of the performance the kids were released until what was supposed to be practice at 4:30pm. Somewhere along the lines of "Lets Screw Everything Up", the powers that be decided to cancel the afternoon practice at 4:30pm and replace it with a 2008 person photo shoot. They got the word out to the kids by the "Pass It Along Method". What a brilliant idea Batman. . . what could possibly go wrong with that method you stupid bastards. Well I'll tell you, alot of kids were late. . . go figure. For the ones that were on time, they were subjected to more standing around in the heat until the rest of the kids were contacted and arrived. After the last group arrived they organized a HHHUUUUUGGGEE group photo. The organization of this took about 30 minutes. After they completed the "Group" photo they tried to organize all 2008 members into the "Olympic Rings" drill formation. The great part of that was that none of the performers had ever seen the drill pages and had no idea what number they were or where they had to stand in this "Ginormous" parking lot. I can only assume that we were all witnessing a real live "Chinese Fire Drill". This portion of the day lasted about 45 minutes when "Spongebob" or whatever the idiots name was who was running this "Cluster Fuck" decided hey why don't we just forget about this because there were only five people to organize all 2008 members into five "Hugegantic" circles. . .Duh! Needless to say there were quite a few concerned parents/chaperone's with regards to the well being of the kids. Joanie got, well we will just say "Fired Up". I believe she was a Captain in the Navy as she through out some pretty impressive swear words at some of the genius staff that couldn't figure out which way was up much less how to organize 2008 people into the Olympic Rings.

It was announced at the 5:00pm Davis Band meeting, that tonight the "Banquet" prior to the "Olympic Pin Ceremony" was from 7:00pm to 9:00pm with the pin ceremony and "Party" from 9:00pm to 12:00 midnight. Everyone went to the respective places of abode and showered, shave and made themselves oh so beautiful. We all (Some of the Chaperone's) decided to meet at about 7:15pm and walk to the "Banquet". We arrived to a room full of what can only be described as "Carnage". It was bedlam everywhere you looked, thousands , upon thousands of kids and chaperone's in a mad scramble to eat some of the shittiest food this side of the Great Wall of China. The first thing we found was that there were eight in our party and finding a table that would accommodate us was going to be a challenge. We ended up at two tables that were side by side and had four empty chairs at each table. Our dining companions at each table were four scared looking Chinese kids that were probably just reaching puberty, but then again they all look so young so who the hell know how old they were. All I know is they looked frightened. I went to each of them and proceeded to give them each a California pin to break the ice, and this seemed to ease the tension and it appeared to reassure them that this huge man was not going to eat them or take their food. After placing our personal belongings at the table we decided to get in longest food line since the depression. We waited patiently and crept ever so close to what we could only hope would be a tasty morsel as this was a "Banquet" and surely they wouldn't give use the same sticky rice and steamed rolls that they have been giving us since day one. We finally arrived to the serving dishes to find them all empty, that's right folks E-M-P-T-Y empty. We proceeded to wait to see if they were going to replenish the items that used to be in the vacant serving dishes. After what seemed like an eternity two employees brought two dishes to the line, one had what they call "Braised Chicken Flippers" and one with sticky rice . . .Oh Boy More Rice. . .Happy Happy Joy!!! I proceeded to serve myself four "Chicken Flippers", apparently they really do get their chicken from the sea, who knew! I also helped myself to a generous helping of sticky rice and a few steamed buns. These two items have got to be the most bland foods that you have ever tasted or should I say not tasted as they have literally no flavor. That was the only food that was there and being courteous to the rest of the dinners I did not just jack the entire serving dish of "Flippers'. Well this is where the "Yellow Locusts" come in. Apparently the custom of taking a few and leaving some for others is not a rule that the "Yellow Locusts" live by it's more of a every man, woman and child for themselves and if your hands are in the way we will devour them too. That's right the "Yellow Locusts" proceeded to snatch up every "Flipper" in the damn serving dish. Hell, Joanie damn near lost a finger. For those of you who don't know who the "Yellow Locusts" are, they are a group of kids from a country's who's initials are China. . .oops I blew that one. After the onslaught and sheer carnage and us barely getting out of the barrage alive the rest of our party who was a little further back in line had to wait even longer for more dishes to arrive. The next wave of dishes finally made it and the damn swarm of "Yellow Locusts" came out of nowhere again cut in line and devoured everything again right from under our noses, some of them were even using thier chopsticks and eating right out of the serving dishes. Holy shit! Holy Shit! Holy Shit somebody call an exterminator. I realize we have one with us in Dennis Crow, but these little sum-bitches scared even him. He told me he had never seen such a infestation in his life and probably never would again. This is however the land of a "Billion Locust". Well "Locusts: 2, Americans: 0, so we cut our losses and had a "Banquet" of sticky rice and steamed buns. I do know one thing and it is if they don't start feeding us something other that Holocaust Food they are gonna see what assholes Americans really can be. You know it's bad when even the Chinese ooop's I mean "Yellow Locusts" won't even eat the rice, and they have that Asian rice gene. At any rate the "Banquet" was a big hit . . .I mean "Kick in The Balls".

After dinner everyone began milling about the room trading pins and trinkets to each other to commemorate the new friendships that they had created over the past week. I even made a new friend from Australia by giving them Cigars earlier in the week. The gentleman presented me with a commemorative back pack and a beautiful engraved crystal paperweight. I was very touched by the gentleman seeking me out of a crowd of over two thousand to return the gift gesture from earlier in the week. The Aussies are okay in my book. The milling about and gift giving lasted about 45 minutes at which time they told everyone to go upstairs into "Lotus Hall" for some entertainment. We arrived in the huge hall and were told to sit on the carpeted floor. Keep in mind that everyone is dressed fairly well as we were all told that this was going to be a "Banquet, Pin Ceremony and Party". At any rate my big butt does sit on the floor anymore especially when I have taken the time to make it look so beautiful. We were lucky enough to find some perimeter seating around the outer wall of the great "Lotus Hall". The entertainment consisted of a group of singers, some hat juggling acrobats, Kung Fu Performers and a Magician. The first three acts were amazing and then it was time for the magician. I like to refer to him as "Dumbass The Magnificent". This guy was the worst, let me repeat THE WORST magician in the world. He was using visual items such as playing cards to a crowd of 2000 people in an auditorium about the size of a football field without monitors, what a tool. I'm not sure but I believe that his first magic trick involved a dead pigeon on a string. I laughed my ass off as it was on the lines of an old Godzilla Movie" or at the very least bad Kabuki Theatre.

The night end with Drama Drama Drama. At about 12:30am all hell broke loose as there was a student that was reportedly having an asthma attack and Joanie and Patty were called into action as the responsible nurses they are. They went to the lobby to administer aide to the student only to find out that she had passed out. When they arrived there was a nut ball on site claiming to be nurse, but after her mixed diagnosis from everything from the student smelled like alcohol and had been drinking, to a seizure, to demon possession or whatever else this goofy bitch was trying to diagnose, we are pretty sure she either a nut ball escaped from the local loony bin or just a plain ol' run of the mill witch doctor. This day just keeps getting better and better. It is now 2:00am and there is a group of people in my room discussing the latest drama that has occurred. I am going to go and try and add to the discussion and get some sleep. Until tomorrow watch out for the "Yellow Locusts" and the "Witch Doctors". Peace Out. . .