Picking Up Where I Left Off.

WARNING: THIS BLOG ENTRY MAY CONTAIN SOME ADULT LANGUAGE AND SITUATIONS AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.



Well after much thought and a lot of very kind and encouraging words I have decided to reinstate the blog and finish what I started. The disclaimer that is at the top of each blog post will remain. It is not to warn readers about the language, but just another place for me to be a "Smart Ass" and rebel against "The Man". So let's begin.



In A Galaxy Far Far Away.... or at least a land far far away. We last left our adventurers as they were being left off for some free time in Beijing. After a most satisfying meal at one of the "Kabillion" KFC's located in the city of Beijing, we were let loose in one of the shopping malls in the area. The shopping malls are multiple story buildings where bartering and general carnage takes place. The Chinese people love to haggle over the selling price of everything from silk goods to magic beans. We were told by our guide that the "Asking Price" was not the lowest "Selling Price" that the financial rapists, I mean vendors would settle for. The etiquette for the eBay style of bartering was since there were no prices on anything, was to ask "How Much"? After the initial question was posed, it was "Let The Games Begin", where the first counter offer was spewed from the buyers mouth, followed by a look of utter disbelief on the face of the seller. This was usually due to the fact that most buyers spit out an offer that was so ridiculously low that it damn near makes the seller have a seizure. The next offer was generally entered into the keypad of a calculator and the display was spun around to be viewed by the buyer. This was generally where we Americans would utter something like "What Are You High"?, then return the next low offer. This system went back and forth until an agreeable price was determined or until the more stubborn party gave up. For me the art of arguing with the seller was the most fun I had the entire time I was in China. My goal was to make one of the Chinese sellers so damn mad that they would throw something, and I don't mean a fit, I mean actually physically throw something. As most of you who know me and even those of you who are getting to know me through this blog, you can imagine just how far my crazy ass is willing to take shit, that's right, usually too fucking far. At any rate I scoped out my first subject and stepped up to the plate. I proceeded to pose the question "How Much"?Tthis signaled the start of the funnest shit I think I have ever been a part of. The item that I chose to try and buy was a cheap folding fan, and trust me I sought out one that would make look as manly as a guy can look fanning himself with a folding Geisha fan. "Holy Shit" can you all picture me fanning myself with the "Gaylord Geisha Fan". I chose this item not only because I wanted to start off small, but my big fat sweaty ass could use a way to try and cool it off. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Chinese currency it is called Yuan (Pronounced like you are calling a Mexican gardener "Yo Juan") and it takes roughly 6.5 Yuan's to equal a dollar. So when I asked the proverbial question the sellers response was 100 Yuan. I had an immediate case of turret's syndrome and blurted out "What the "HELL" are you crazy". The seller was very amused by my reaction and laughed then asked me "BestPrice? You Best Price?"and handed me a calculator, where I proceeded to enter in the number 15. The seller spit out what I can only imagine was the equivalent to "What in the name of Budda, are you crazy you capitalist pig". This is where I countered offered with, that's right, my first price of 15 yoyo's. I know, I know I had a breach in etiquette in the bidding steps, I said I loved the process, I never said I was good at it. At any rate she countered with a bid of 80 "Ying Yangs". I thought I would stick with my original bid and see if this would drive her even more nuts or at least induce her to speak perfect English. I am sure they all can speak perfect English and are just trying to get into our heads with their broken English and Chinese accent (Conspiracy Theorists Beware). She countered with 50 "Yo Mama's" She handed me the calculator and said "You best offer, you best offer" (That's right more broken English), so I thought I would be generous and change my original bid and proceeded to show her the calculator display while I entered my latest offer. As she looked on, I proceeded to enter 40 Wontons followed by subtracting 25, leaving that's right. . . . . . 15. She rolled her eyes and mumbled something that sure sounded a lot like "SSSHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT". I knew it perfect English. It was at this time that I informed her that the fan was not only made of plastic but also "Made In China", go figure. She proceeded to tell me that it was not plastic it was "Plastic Like", and very good quality. . .Horse Shit it was cheap, cheap, cheap. It was at this point that I decided I would move on as there are many more sheep to fleece and proceeded to put my wallet away and just walk away. As I got about thirty feet away from her she yelled "Okay Okay 15". I returned to the stand and proudly claimed my prize. Oh my god I love my new found hobby of driving as many of the Chinese thief's, I mean seller as nuts as possible. I was in a zone and was drooling at the opportunity to seek out my next piece of shit, I mean valuable souvenir to try and steal, I mean buy from the thief's, I mean sellers. These markets are a packed space of booth after booth of Chinese people wanting to sell the same shit stand after stand after stand to the point where after getting to the end of a row of about ten to fifteen stands and being asked If I wanted to buy a memory card at each and every stand, I stopped at the last one that asked, and proceeded to ask the last seller "Did you not hear the last fifteen people ask me if I wanted to buy a memory card? And did you not hear me tell every one of them "NO!", so what in the hell makes you think I want one from you. . .Hmmmmmmmmmm?



After about two hours of carnage and unrelenting arguing we decided to take a break and wander down the streets of Beijing to explore the various Chinese shops that lined the streets. We wander aimlessly scoping out many shops one where my oldest son bought a vacuum packed severed chicken head. . . yup severed chicken head. He thought he would give it as a gift to everyone's favorite person on this trip. . .The director. . . with much love might I add. As we passed the walk up sex shop, where you could walk up to the widow and pick up anything in the adult novelties from "Wiener Be Hard Pills" to a multitude of Dildos in a rainbow of colors. After a few pictures of the unbelievable store front we went into a small shop that resembled a quaint antique shop (Yeah Yeah I know I said "Quaint", Sorry). We looked around for a few minutes, but more importantly it had ass kicking air conditioning. As we were looking around the shop keeper became interested as to where we were from and we told her from America. I proceeded to give her a few of the California hat pins I had bought for the purpose of giving them out to people I meet. This apparently was the best thing since sliced bread to her, because she proceeded to say we were good friends of the family and gave us everything in the damn shop but the keys to the front door. Bracelets, necklaces, you name it. She was one of the most generous people that I have ever met. We had to leave before she bankrupted herself. We bought some items without even trying to barter the price down as we already got the deal of the century with the free items that we had received as gifts. After we bonded with our new found friend we wandered even further down the street to try and find something cold to drink. We found drinks in a local liquor store along with some very interesting bottles of alcohol that not only had booze in them, but things like snakes. The one that my oldest son Bobby bought was a bottle of Saki with a black scorpion and a cobra in the bottle that's right a "Scorpion" and a "Cobra". This was the second very strange gift that he had bought in less than an hour. I think we will have to keep an eye on him to make sure that's it's just phase of morbid curiosity and not some new leaf he is turning over. We shopped for a few more hours without anything of any significance to mention. We hauled our sweaty beings back to the bus and returned to our hotel in "Grand Epoch City", what we now fondly refer to as "The Compound". After showers all around it was off to dinner where we had . . . . . . . . drum roll please. . . . . . ."RICE"!!!! Well I am glad to be back on the story telling wagon so until we meet again. . .Toodles!