Well we awoke to another hot and humid day (Big Surprise). We have a busy day ahead of us where we are to go to a silk factory, and group dinner in an older part of Shanghai, and an evening cruise on what I could only hop wasn't the SS Minnow.
Well as usual we all gathered in the lobby in preparation to board the bus for another amusement park ride, I mean bus ride to our next adventure. . .The silk factory. We arrived at the silk factory and went inside where we were introduced to our lovely Chinese factory guide "Ping Pong" or something that had a "ing" and an "ong" in it. She proceeded to tell us everything about the silk worm, pupa's and moths. After a quick introduction we went inside that actual factory where all of the action was taking place, and man was it a hot bed of activity. There were two employees in this hot stinky room that smelled like a mixture of ass and turpentine, and they were in the process of boiling the silk cocoon's in hot water. We were all praying that this wasn't going to be served as lunch where it would be served using some sort of cleaver name like "Pork, beef or chicken cocoon broth with western style vegetable soup". It wasn't, thank god, it was only the step before they threaded the individual silk threads on some massive machine that looked like at any minute it would suck you in and spit you out. These women didn't look phased in the slightest as they proceeded to put their hand in harms way time and time again, and there wasn't even one safety guard in sight on any of the thousands of moving parts, which by the way were moving at what I estimated as "The Speed of Sound". We watched in complete amazement that not only could they see the tiny silk threads but that they could accurately attached them to the wheel on the bus that go round and round. After we watched this for a few minutes or guide, "Wing Wong" took us into the next room where there was an employee with some more of the cocoons and she had them in cold water where she was opening them up and fishing out the little dead remains of whatever critter used to live inside. After she removed death she began stretching the little silk caskets over a piece of bent bamboo like she was stretching it to make a silk condom, or at the very least it was a silk condom and she was putting it on a bamboo penis. She was repeating this again and again. Our guide "Ling Long" informed us that this was a very tough material and that it could not be penetrated. I know I used "Condom" "Penis" and "Penetrated" in less than two sentences, but it couldn't be helped. She asked for a volunteer to try and penetrate the silk with their fingers, and wouldn't you know it all the volunteers were women. The next station was the one where there were four employees (Bringing the total factory employee count to 7 not including our guide "Sing Song") stretching the dried silk condoms into comforter size sheets, talk about "Large Size", damn. They continue to stretch many many layers and when there are a preset amount this is the batting that is inside of a 100% pure silk comforter. That's right little tiny rinsed coffins stretched like a three day old piece of Bazooka Bubble Gum, into death sheets, all so you can stay warm on a cold winters night. The next fact was one that we could have done without. Apparently these comforters never need washing and last for about five years. Let me repeat what our guide "Ding Dong" said, these magnificent comforters "Never need to be washed and they last about five years". What the FUCK does she mean they never have to be washed in their five years of service to the hot and sweaty people who use them, Is she high on crack???? They probably last more than five years it's just that you can't stand the stench coming from them in about five years, which all depends on your personal hygiene habits and your patterns of illness encountered in that five years. They attributed it to it's natural hypoallergenic qualities of the natural silk caskets, I mean cocoon's. . .Bullshit! At any rate it quickly became apparent what this place actually was when we looked at the racks of comforters and beautiful silk coverings in the next room and what's that on the wall? Oh, it's a huge "FUCKING PRICE LIST". That's right we have been duped into a masterful sales pitch. . .well son of a bitch I didn't see that coming. This must have commission written all over it for our guide "King Kong". At any rate we went into the next room which was concealed behind a curtain and low a Fucking behold it was a giant sales floor. It had racks and racks of everything from silk PJ's to silk shirts and ties to silk panties. Now we're talking, silk panties. . . silk panties. . . and more. . . silk panties! This is where the men parted company with the women as this had all the making of a feeding frenzy written all over it. You could see the color drain from the men's faces while the eyes of the women glazed over like they had been smoking pot from the "Bong of Life". I think I heard one on the women calling it "The Christmas Miracle". . .Shit, I think it was my wife. At any rate the men sat in the small adjoining cafe drinking a cool beverages and hoping that the women didn't get too stupid with the spending. There were a couple of times that I saw my wife with arm loads full of stuff and that's when I had the overwhelming desire to run into the busy street and play in traffic. We soon boarded the bus and when the head count was taken it was found that there were still two people unaccounted for. That's right one was my wife (The traffic was looking better all of the time). After about ten minutes the two women arrived on the bus to the cheers of everyone and the inquisitive questions by the women on the bus as to what they had purchased. I swear if my wife says she bought a silk comforter . . .Traffic here I come. She didn't and after she had shown everything that she had bought I asked her how much she had spent and she said it wasn't too bad and she proceeded to tell me how much in Yuan. Needless to say after doing the math I "Shat" right there in my seat and once she realized how much she had spent in American she "Shat" too. Well unfortunately our kids won't be going to college and I'm gonna quote Forrest Gump by saying "And that's all I have to say about that".
Well we were off to our next destination, dinner as a group. We arrived at our destination where we had to walk about 15 blocks to the restaurant through some major winding streets past McDonald's, KFC, and even Pizza Hut. We were told by our guide that we had about two hours to shop on this street before dinner and we were to meet back at the restaurant 5:00pm. Well of course with the threat of another meal consisting of Chinese food we did what any red blooded Americans would do. . . we ate at McDonald's. Every place that you go in China is crowded to say the least and this McDonald's was no exception. Lines, lines and more lines and once you get your food there is nowhere to sit down. Fortunately for us we are not shy people and we sat with strangers. In a country of a "Kabillion" people you can't be afraid to invade someones personal space and good golly miss Molly that's exactly what we did. At one point I had even thought of sitting on this old woman's lap, but I used some self control. After our meal Joanie went to the "Facilities" and this is where she had the pleasure of using the toilet standing in about an inch and a half of "Urine", that's right good old Chines pee pee. She spent a good twenty minutes wiping the bottoms of her shoes off with her disinfecting wipes that she had in he Mary Poppins bag. We sat in the restaurant taking up space just because it had air conditioning and chairs. Well it was rapidly approaching our meeting time so we all returned to the restaurant as instructed by our guide. We went upstairs to the restaurant where we soon found out that we were not the only ones who ate in an attempt to get real food. Everyone except five people showed up to the restaurant stuffed and not able to eat anything. I am sure the restaurant staff must have thought that we thought their food was the most disgusting thing as nobody ate anything. Jenn and I did however find the beer quite tasty. After dinner at the restaurant it was time to return to the hotel and freshen up for the evening waterfront cruise extravaganza.
We got back to our rooms with just enough time for a quick shower, get dressed and get back down to the lobby for the magic carpet ride to the waterfront. We got to the waterfront along with a shit load of other people in an attempt to get on one of may boats that cruise the river. This was mayhem at it's finest. We successfully boarded the boat where myself and my oldest son were separated from the heard to the top deck of the boat. We made our way to the side rail of the boat where we found a gate that blocked off the bow of the boat where it looked like there was VIP seating. Well as everyone knows I am a VIP in my own mind, but even more so when I with one of my son's and we are separated from the heard. At any rate I proceeded to check if the gate was locked, and wouldn't you know it. . .The silly Chinese forgot to lock it. . .SCORE! Well as you can probably guess we proceeded to rapidly fill the role of VIPs and sat in our "Front Row Seats" like we belonged there. We soon found out that these seats cost extra and when we were asked for our tickets I confidently told the person that we already gave them to the guy around the corner who had asked for them a few minutes ago. . .Damn I'm good, or bad depending on how you look at it. We cruised the waterfront for about an hour snapping as many pictures as we could of the neon lit skyline and buildings that seemed to come to life. Needless to say this was way cool. When our boat docked we all disembarked from the boat and everyone in our group wanted to know where we had disappeared to, and man when the commoners found out where us VIPs spent the evening cruise, were they jealous. We boarded the buses and it was back to the hotel. We returned to the hotel where it was nightie night for all. Tune in tomorrow for the next exciting episode of "As Shanghai Spins"
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