Cops. . .Shops. . .And The Man With One Sock!

Well to day we were supposed to go to the summer palace, but we had a traveler bus vote and decided against another day of walking 26 miles taking more pictures of Ancient Chinese buildings. Which by the way all look alike kind of like the Chinese themselves. I know that was a stereotype statement but it is so true. We boarded the bus and let our tour guide John know that we wanted to go shopping instead of visiting the summer palace. He was surprised at our request and I actually think he was a little offended as the Chinese people are sooo proud of their history. Seriously though we were letting our capitalist ways drive out decisions and it didn't hurt that we were all hooked on the bartering style of shopping either. John informed the bus driver as to the change of plans and it was at this time that the bus driver came out of his ass and began yelling something very violent at John. This was all it took for our guide to go from mild mannered guide to Whirling Tasmanian Devil Ninja. He proceeded to yell back at the driver something even more violent that I'm sure meant "Oh No You Didn't Bitch" followed by "Don't Make Me Go Ninja On Your Ass And Pull You Heart From Your Chest And Show It To You While It's Still Beating You Asshole". This Drove the bus driver over the edge and he proceeded to stop the bus and squared off at our guide as if there was going to be a fucking Samurai Showdown right here and now in front of God, Buddha and everyone. John calmly proceeded to slowly say "Kung Pow, Egg Foo Yung, Fried Rice" or some other soothing Chinese phrase which I think was a threat that he would have the drivers job if he didn't shut the hell up. The driver began driving and John immediately got on his cell phone and called what I believe was the bus drivers boss, as after his short conversation John informed us that we would be getting off this bus and get onto another bus, one with a driver who was not such a "Bitch". The driver must have had a feeling what was coming, because he must have started "Kissing John Ass" to the point of ecstasy on the part of John because they kissed and made up just as quickly as they had fallen out of love with each other. As a bus load of credible witnesses can attest to "I wouldn't want to piss "Ninja John" off, as he could probably kill you with one finger in the blink of an eye. After the kiss and make up session we were off to our Beijing destination for shopping. After about ten minutes we arrived at the first of many "Police Check Points", the same one that we had been through many times during our travels to this point. The only difference today is that the police got a wild hair up their ass and decided to board the bus for a "Passport Check". This was a very different experience as an armed police officer boarded the bus and checked every persons passport. Everyone could tell that this was a very serious thing because our guide John told us to take out our passports and "Do not say anything". We all just sat there showing the very angry looking officer our passports. I am pretty sure I peed a little too. After our brief brush with what I like to think of as "Death", we were back on the road to "Mecca". We arrived at "Mecca", better known as the shopping mall in about an hour. We were all bubbling with excitement in anticipation of what new Chinese treasures await us inside. Before we departed the bus we were all informed that there were supposedly very nice western style restrooms on the sixth floor. With that information I decided to leave my backpack on the bus as I had taken it everywhere we had gone up to this point. It weighed around 60 pounds as it had everything from bug repellent, a hat, food, anti-diarrhea medication and even what I think was a kitchen sink. We ascended on the shopping mall like a mass of "Red White and Blue Locusts". That's right, back to the "Locust" thing again. We "Let The Games Begin" once again, and I must say we all approached the challenge as if though we were seasoned veterans at the "Game" and we were not to be out bid to the point that we all bought "Shit We Didn't Need". I mean we "REEAAALLLLYYY Bought Shit We Didn't Need". I saw people with huge lighters, Chairman Mau watches which were probably guaranteed to work until tomorrow, more folding fans than any one person should be allowed to have, and chopsticks, chopsticks and even more chopsticks. Nobody gave a shit either because it was all ours and we were conquering the enemy, I mean sellers, at a unprecedented rate never before seen to the point that I'm sure if there had been local media present that I'm sure it would have been the top story of the evening beating out any Olympic story of the day, because as far as I'm concerned we are all "Olympic Bartering Gold Medalists".

During my frenzy the call of nature took a hold of me and I mean "The Call", but no worries there is a nice western bathroom on the sixth floor right. . . WRONG! If there was I sure couldn't find it and no one spoke English that I could ask either. I wandered up and down the escalators venturing into areas of the mall that I'm sure I wasn't supposed to be in. I knew that the rule of thumb in the shopping malls is the higher the floor the better the quality of merchandise that is sold there, and the top floor is generally reserved for fancy jewelry stores. That's where I was headed as there had to be a great bathroom where the fancy stuff was, plus I was about to shit my pants. I wandered around "Clinched" to the point that I believe I had began to make a "Shit Diamond" when I could wait no longer and could not be picky about my bathroom choices. It was at this point I saw the face of an "Asian Angel", and I proceeded to give the universal sign for washing my hands (Wringing my hands). She understood me immediately or at least recognized the "Clinched" walk accompanied by the "I'm About to Shit My Pants Look", at any rate she lead me to a back room where the bathroom was. It was about the size of a broom closet but I could care less. I closed the door spun around on my heels like Michael Jackson, dropped trou then . . . ."FIRE IN THE HOLE!! I was relieved beyond belief. As I sat there sighing with relief I scanned my surroundings in search of toilet paper. What's this a sign . . ."Please Do Not Flush Toilet Paper Down The Toilet - Please Put In The Trash Receptacle". Yuck this was something new that I was not expecting at all. I also was not expecting to find the absence of toilet paper either but I did, and me without my Fucking backpack too. Wow that was a genius thing to do, what was I thinking. I gave the area another scan in search of anything that I could use as toilet paper this side of using my hand. . . . No such luck. It was at this point I turned into McGyver and during one of my scans of my surroundings I spotted my socks, that's right my socks. Well I think you can guess what I did next. Needless to say I entered the bathroom with both my sock on and left with one in the bathroom trash receptacle and a spare in my pocket. I bid my Asian Angel farewell and left hopefully with nobody noticing my lack of attire with which I had entered. I met up with the rest of my shopping companions where their powers of observation as to the missing socks were as lacking as I had hoped the Chinese were.

We agreed that we were all hungry and that we should get something to eat. I told everyone that I had seen a pizza place on my hurried travels on the fifth floor. We ascended to the fifth floor and proceeded to order a pizza. When the pizza arrived we devoured it and on the outer crust edge embedded in the cheese was a nice black Chinese hair, "Holy Shit Can The Day Get Any Worse". When the waitress came with our bill I expressed my dissatisfaction as to the cracker jack prize we had found in our food. This is when she apologized with deep regret and informed us that this had never happened before and she tried to make it better by giving me a free can of Coke. She also informed us that there would be "Punishments Handed Out". We were just hoping that the gunfire in the kitchen would not ensue until we had paid our bill and had left. We settled up our bill and damn near ran out of the restaurant without hearing any shots ring out.

We finished our day of shopping and during our walk to the bus I confessed my adventure in the hopes of educating others with the "Always Bring Something To Wipe Your Ass" lesson. They all had a good laugh, but everyone was in agreement that it was quick thinking on my part. We returned once again to "The Compound" another round of showers for all then it was off to dinner where we were pleasantly surprised by what we found, for once there was no rice in sight. . . . .Just kidding it was there along with the "Same Old Shit Different Day" menu we have had since we arrived. Tomorrow will be a day of packing preparations for the train ride to Shanghai and a Peking duck farewell dinner. . .Until then see ya! And always remember to wear your socks . . .