We Are Not In Kansas Anymore Toto. . .AKA Attack Of The Yellow Locusts.

Well today was filled with a morning of rehearsal followed by a 2008 Olympic Orchestra Group Photo Shoot. The rehearsal was a success, which was no surprise to me as I am convinced the show is perfect. The temperature was unbearable and the rehearsal was in the open parking lot. I would have passed out if it was me, but then again I'm just an old fat chaperone who loves his "Air Conditioning". At any rate after the single run through of the performance the kids were released until what was supposed to be practice at 4:30pm. Somewhere along the lines of "Lets Screw Everything Up", the powers that be decided to cancel the afternoon practice at 4:30pm and replace it with a 2008 person photo shoot. They got the word out to the kids by the "Pass It Along Method". What a brilliant idea Batman. . . what could possibly go wrong with that method you stupid bastards. Well I'll tell you, alot of kids were late. . . go figure. For the ones that were on time, they were subjected to more standing around in the heat until the rest of the kids were contacted and arrived. After the last group arrived they organized a HHHUUUUUGGGEE group photo. The organization of this took about 30 minutes. After they completed the "Group" photo they tried to organize all 2008 members into the "Olympic Rings" drill formation. The great part of that was that none of the performers had ever seen the drill pages and had no idea what number they were or where they had to stand in this "Ginormous" parking lot. I can only assume that we were all witnessing a real live "Chinese Fire Drill". This portion of the day lasted about 45 minutes when "Spongebob" or whatever the idiots name was who was running this "Cluster Fuck" decided hey why don't we just forget about this because there were only five people to organize all 2008 members into five "Hugegantic" circles. . .Duh! Needless to say there were quite a few concerned parents/chaperone's with regards to the well being of the kids. Joanie got, well we will just say "Fired Up". I believe she was a Captain in the Navy as she through out some pretty impressive swear words at some of the genius staff that couldn't figure out which way was up much less how to organize 2008 people into the Olympic Rings.

It was announced at the 5:00pm Davis Band meeting, that tonight the "Banquet" prior to the "Olympic Pin Ceremony" was from 7:00pm to 9:00pm with the pin ceremony and "Party" from 9:00pm to 12:00 midnight. Everyone went to the respective places of abode and showered, shave and made themselves oh so beautiful. We all (Some of the Chaperone's) decided to meet at about 7:15pm and walk to the "Banquet". We arrived to a room full of what can only be described as "Carnage". It was bedlam everywhere you looked, thousands , upon thousands of kids and chaperone's in a mad scramble to eat some of the shittiest food this side of the Great Wall of China. The first thing we found was that there were eight in our party and finding a table that would accommodate us was going to be a challenge. We ended up at two tables that were side by side and had four empty chairs at each table. Our dining companions at each table were four scared looking Chinese kids that were probably just reaching puberty, but then again they all look so young so who the hell know how old they were. All I know is they looked frightened. I went to each of them and proceeded to give them each a California pin to break the ice, and this seemed to ease the tension and it appeared to reassure them that this huge man was not going to eat them or take their food. After placing our personal belongings at the table we decided to get in longest food line since the depression. We waited patiently and crept ever so close to what we could only hope would be a tasty morsel as this was a "Banquet" and surely they wouldn't give use the same sticky rice and steamed rolls that they have been giving us since day one. We finally arrived to the serving dishes to find them all empty, that's right folks E-M-P-T-Y empty. We proceeded to wait to see if they were going to replenish the items that used to be in the vacant serving dishes. After what seemed like an eternity two employees brought two dishes to the line, one had what they call "Braised Chicken Flippers" and one with sticky rice . . .Oh Boy More Rice. . .Happy Happy Joy!!! I proceeded to serve myself four "Chicken Flippers", apparently they really do get their chicken from the sea, who knew! I also helped myself to a generous helping of sticky rice and a few steamed buns. These two items have got to be the most bland foods that you have ever tasted or should I say not tasted as they have literally no flavor. That was the only food that was there and being courteous to the rest of the dinners I did not just jack the entire serving dish of "Flippers'. Well this is where the "Yellow Locusts" come in. Apparently the custom of taking a few and leaving some for others is not a rule that the "Yellow Locusts" live by it's more of a every man, woman and child for themselves and if your hands are in the way we will devour them too. That's right the "Yellow Locusts" proceeded to snatch up every "Flipper" in the damn serving dish. Hell, Joanie damn near lost a finger. For those of you who don't know who the "Yellow Locusts" are, they are a group of kids from a country's who's initials are China. . .oops I blew that one. After the onslaught and sheer carnage and us barely getting out of the barrage alive the rest of our party who was a little further back in line had to wait even longer for more dishes to arrive. The next wave of dishes finally made it and the damn swarm of "Yellow Locusts" came out of nowhere again cut in line and devoured everything again right from under our noses, some of them were even using thier chopsticks and eating right out of the serving dishes. Holy shit! Holy Shit! Holy Shit somebody call an exterminator. I realize we have one with us in Dennis Crow, but these little sum-bitches scared even him. He told me he had never seen such a infestation in his life and probably never would again. This is however the land of a "Billion Locust". Well "Locusts: 2, Americans: 0, so we cut our losses and had a "Banquet" of sticky rice and steamed buns. I do know one thing and it is if they don't start feeding us something other that Holocaust Food they are gonna see what assholes Americans really can be. You know it's bad when even the Chinese ooop's I mean "Yellow Locusts" won't even eat the rice, and they have that Asian rice gene. At any rate the "Banquet" was a big hit . . .I mean "Kick in The Balls".

After dinner everyone began milling about the room trading pins and trinkets to each other to commemorate the new friendships that they had created over the past week. I even made a new friend from Australia by giving them Cigars earlier in the week. The gentleman presented me with a commemorative back pack and a beautiful engraved crystal paperweight. I was very touched by the gentleman seeking me out of a crowd of over two thousand to return the gift gesture from earlier in the week. The Aussies are okay in my book. The milling about and gift giving lasted about 45 minutes at which time they told everyone to go upstairs into "Lotus Hall" for some entertainment. We arrived in the huge hall and were told to sit on the carpeted floor. Keep in mind that everyone is dressed fairly well as we were all told that this was going to be a "Banquet, Pin Ceremony and Party". At any rate my big butt does sit on the floor anymore especially when I have taken the time to make it look so beautiful. We were lucky enough to find some perimeter seating around the outer wall of the great "Lotus Hall". The entertainment consisted of a group of singers, some hat juggling acrobats, Kung Fu Performers and a Magician. The first three acts were amazing and then it was time for the magician. I like to refer to him as "Dumbass The Magnificent". This guy was the worst, let me repeat THE WORST magician in the world. He was using visual items such as playing cards to a crowd of 2000 people in an auditorium about the size of a football field without monitors, what a tool. I'm not sure but I believe that his first magic trick involved a dead pigeon on a string. I laughed my ass off as it was on the lines of an old Godzilla Movie" or at the very least bad Kabuki Theatre.

The night end with Drama Drama Drama. At about 12:30am all hell broke loose as there was a student that was reportedly having an asthma attack and Joanie and Patty were called into action as the responsible nurses they are. They went to the lobby to administer aide to the student only to find out that she had passed out. When they arrived there was a nut ball on site claiming to be nurse, but after her mixed diagnosis from everything from the student smelled like alcohol and had been drinking, to a seizure, to demon possession or whatever else this goofy bitch was trying to diagnose, we are pretty sure she either a nut ball escaped from the local loony bin or just a plain ol' run of the mill witch doctor. This day just keeps getting better and better. It is now 2:00am and there is a group of people in my room discussing the latest drama that has occurred. I am going to go and try and add to the discussion and get some sleep. Until tomorrow watch out for the "Yellow Locusts" and the "Witch Doctors". Peace Out. . .