Charlie Sheen WTF Part 2

Well it's a new day an the genious is at it again. This time the cops were called because they thought he had a gun. Well this was just an excuse to go off on a tangent about how 50 cops showed up on his door step and challenged his warkock ways. Well at least he is a self proclaimed "winner" or is it a "wiener"? The most amazing thing of todays news is that with recent Tsunami in Japan that there is a fucking new service that took the time to report on this thinking it was "News Worthy". No need to wonder why I exclaim " What The FUCK". Then come to find out that someone had reported the fact that Johnny Douchebag had a gun and they were worried the the Warlock was going to do something bad with it. The thing people are forgetting that the Tiger Blood Boy is busy playing "Two and a Half Whores" and couldn't give a shit about anything else. Hell he didn't even seem to hold his craziness to himself for his kids. Then again his two twenty-something sluts are young enough to be his kids. What the hell is up with that anyway? I hope the driving force behind slutsville living situation is money. I shutter at the fact that it is because of his 45 year old balls. Hell I have those and they aren't a pretty sight. Especially since the Slutty-Pies could land someone there own age with a harder body and undoubtedly a harder dick. Then again Viagra has done wonders in that area. Well that is all for today in the realm of the saga of Sheen the Shithead. Stay tuned for my next rant, I promise to have more humor and less anger in my future posts.

WTF Is Wrong With Charlie Sheen

Yeah that's right I said it . . . what the FUCK is wrong with Sir Douchebag Charlie Sheen. this son of a bitch apparently has too much money and obviously too much time on his hands. To make matters worse the media is definitely feeding the fire as you can't turn on the radio or TV without hearing something about the Bat Shit Crazy asshole. I understand that the crazy shit that he spouts from his mouth is supposed to be great entertainment, and for all intensive purposes the first week it was. Unfortunately now I would rather have my balls squished in a vise than hear another "Charlie Sheen Update". Hell if you want entertainment watch The Family Guy now that is entertainment. If it's celebrity entertainment you want there is always room for Gary Busey . . . Now there is one crazy Mother Fucker who is happy just being crazy. Where Charlie Sheen made his mistake in all this is that he does not have a humble bone in his body and is just an arrogant asshole that has seemed to forget who watched his movies and TV shows that got him his fortune. Next time if he is going to give away a cool million all he has to do is send me a check and I will be more that happy to distribute the wealth . . . and I don't mean amongst skankey hookers. there is something call charity.

A Little Update

Well it has been a while since I have had an entry and I think it's long overdue. The last entry was back when we went camping with our good friends the Crows. Since that time there has been a lot that has happened. Joey has not only became quite the student he has became quite the leader in the Davis High School band. What can I say we are extremely proud of him. He is already applying for various scholarships so he can attend MJC in the fall semester. Hope he gets a bunch and saves his old man some money. Robert was going to go into the Navy but was denied time and time again due to being underweight . . . poor bastard. Well actually I felt sorry for him as he was very excited to be going in a positive direction. Well as they always say things happen for a reason and the reason was that he landed a job at a company in Tracy and it starts at $16.50hr and within 6 months he will at $22.00hr. He is so excited. He will be doing this job for a couple years then he wants to join the Air Force as he is looking for a career not just a job. Joanie and myself are the same nothing has changed since the camping trip other than the economic worries that everyone in the country has. We have been lucky so far as we have dodged all of the furloughs that everyone has been unfortunate to have to go through. I think our luck has run out come this July as the Fiscal year end and new budget will tell. Well I promise that my next entry will have some humor in it as that is the main reason that I do this blog is to make people laugh. Until then asta you huevos!

A Camping We Will Go. . .

A Camping We Will Go Hi Ho The Dario A Camping We Will Go. That's right we sure as hell did. This past weekend was the long awaited Little Crow Camping Trip 09'. With the reservations made and grocery shopping trip completed it was time to be on our way. The destination was set as the Pinecrest Campground and with all of the completed plans now in the books and the day was now upon us we loaded our wagons and began our adventure. We all met at The Crows and loaded our very large food stores into the vehicles and iced the 6 ice chests, that's right 6 freakin' ice chests and before we knew it, it was time. We left at the speed of slow as this was a three day weeekend and everyone and their mother was apparetnly going to the same campground we were going to. At any rate the Little Crow wagon train made it's way up highway 108 to our weekend home amongst the beatiful pine trees. We were all pleased with our new digs as the campsite was large enough for a group twice our size. We backed our vehicles into the driveway and proceeded to unload everything and yes you guessed right we did have the kitchen sink with us. Each family then set about in setting up their respective tent structures that they would call home for the next three days. the big difference was that the Crow's had their directions for assembling their tent and their tent went up without a hitch and we just looked like three monkeys fucking a football. This was evident in the fact that we had to dissassemble the tent at one point and change tent poles as the initial pole that we had inserted was too long and made our tent look pregnant on one side. Well it shows you how often we go camping . . .not too often. After the families were done erecting the tent we all tackled the "Food Tent". Holy Shit this structure was huuuge! Once it was put together it was an octogon that measured about 12' across. We hoisted the massive unit over the pinic table that was onsite and voila there it was insant dinning room. After the dinning room was erected it was time for the women folk to start setting up the kitchen area while the men folk began building the PVC accent kitchen items which include the garbage can structure the hand washing station complete with paper towel racks and attached soft soap hand soap dispenser and last but not least the three basin kitchen sink. The first item that was to be built was the trash can unit and when it was taken out of the bag you could see Dennis start to tense up and the frustrations from camping trips of the past began to show. The direction had gotten wet in the past and had become blurry to the point that it could make someone with 20/20 vision feel like fuckin Mr. Magoo. I give Dennis a bad time about being blind and the man upstairs has been nice enough bless me with deteriorating vision now too. So you can imagine the two blind guys trying to assemble PVC items that consisted of numerous poorly numbered pieces and a blurry picture. Talk about you two Blind Monkeys fuckin' three footballs. . . Well there we were, shoving pipe 2 into "T" 3 into cross piece 4 only to realize it was backwards. Shit time to take it apart. Well after a few tries and some beer and some swearing we had assembled a beautiful bouncing baby trash can. With this under our belts it was rapidly becoming apparent we could accomplish anything with the right amount of swearing and beer. We successfully assembled the remining items with about the same issues but we were working like a well oiled male machine. I know that sounded hella gay but there was no oil used in the assembly of the items. . . only Vaseline, shit that didn't sound any better. We were finished and it was now dusk or as I like to call it "Bat Time" or "Joanie Shit Your Pants Time". For the next ten minutes we were lucky enough to witness a miracle of nature. I know you are thinikng I'm talking about the miracle where the insect bats feed on the thousands of bugs that nature has to offer but I'm not. I'm talking about the miracle where a grown woman turns into a little girl and screams a horror movie scream at the sight of every bat that flys overhead. You know the kind of screm that causes people within earshot to call the police as it sound like someone is being murdered. Well that's exatly what Joanie did and she may have even pooped a little I didn't ask. At any rate everything was set up and it was time to start cooking dinner.The first nights dinner menu was hamburgers and hot dogs and look it was only 8:00pm and dark. We setup the BBQ station on the tailgate of my pickup which put the grills at the right height to show off our Grill Master Skills, as they should be. Since it was dark we first had to set up a few lanterns. It was at this point that we found out that Dennis was a romantic at heart as he had purchased a latern that was to be used to set a romantic mood with it's soft warm organce glow. Pam, Dennis' wife attributed this to the fact that Dennis had purchased the "Cheap" latern and he got what he paid for as she called it a "Piece of Shit" latern. I still think Dennis wanted our campsite to have that welcoming romantic feel. Well with the laterns up, the grilling done it was time to eat and this went off without a hitch. There we were in our spacious new dinning hall with a spread fit for a king and a few of the native bug life that graced us with their prescence. That's when we found out what a "Piece of Shit" fly swatter looked like. Wow there was nothing really to say about it except it was a "Piece of Shit" and required you to swing it like you were Babe Ruth aiming for the certer field fence at Yankee Stadium. After the dinner dishes were done and the dinning hall was cleaned we all retired to the campfire where we proceeded to sing Cumbia my lord Cumbia and other campfire favorites . . .NOT! The kids did however proceeded to become the biggest bunch of fucking pyromaniacs since Drew Barrymore in the movie "Fire Starter". Holy shit they were trying to set everything on fire, food, leaves sticks you name it. Nothing was safe and I'm pretty sure if you could hear marshmallows scream you would have heard the horror continuously. All I could think about was at any moment "Smokey Bear" was gonna jump out of the darkness and kick all of our asses while reapeating "Remember. . . Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires". The evening around the campfire ended as it should, with a round of S'mores. It was now about midnight and time to turn into our respective abodes for a good nights sleep. . .Or so I thought.

We soon found out in the Little abode this meant having to get up at 4:00am to air up our brand new air matress that by the way says it's gauranteed not to FUCKING leak. Well so much for the gaurantee, it's not like there was someone from "Coleman" hiding in the woods to air up my air matress in the middle of the night. As you can imagine I was a bundle of joy that could only be described as oh I don't know. . . . . .Fuckin' Pissed Off. Well thank god for the air matress hand pump. So there I am in our nice warm tent where it was about 45 degrees in my shorts and a tank top pumping up an air matress with the sound of SHHH. . .SHHH. . .SHHH. . .SHHH. If you have ever been camping I'm sure you can imagine just how loud it was in the dead silence of the woods in the middle of the night. I'm sure the surrounding campsites thought there was some wild animal outside that walked throught the forest at night going SHHH. . .SHHH. . .FUCK. . . SHHH. . . SHHH. . . FUCK, Saskwatch maybe who knows. All I know is I'm gonna write a hot letter to the Coleman people ASAP. I may even throw a "Bitch Fit". The rest of the evening was uneventful. Day two began at 7:30am where I immediately headed for the ice chest for my morning Rockstar. While having my frosty beverage out of nowhere here came Dennis fully clothed, carrying a paper bag and looking like was already wide awake and ready to go. He had just returned from the store that was a short walk from our campsite where he bought a few last minute fishing supplies. He then redied the Crow family fishing gear for todays fishing expedition. Soon the rest of our camp mates began imearging from the tents like butterflies from their cocoons. It was only a short time later that Bobby showed up to join us for the next couple of days in our camping adventure. It wasn't very long after that before breakfast was ready. We had an awesome breakfast of Pancakes, Bacon and an Egg Potato Sausage and onion breakfast kit that was very tasty. I highly recommend the breakfast kit from Schwans Yum-O. After the breakfast clean up we were off on our first fishing expedition of our camping trip. We all walked along the Eko Trail around to the east shore of the lake where we proceeded to all try our hand at fishing. It was actually pretty late from a fishing stand point as it was already 11:00am. No-one in our group had any luck catching anything. I know the Littles didn't stand a chance because in all of my haste to leave I only packed a small portion of our fishing supplies which consisted of only spinners and fucking split shot. You talk about someone who should be fucking shot. . . here I am. . . pick me. . . pick me. Needless to say the adults were discouraged and decided to head back to the homestead to lick there wounds or at the very least drink some beer. The kids on the other hand decided that they would walk around the entire lake which was about 4 miles (Holy Shit No Thanks). The kids finally arrived at around 5:00pm for the first half and 5:30pm for the second half. The mother hens could now stop worrying their baby ckicks were all now home. Well it was now time for Dennis and myself to once again Flex Our Grill Skill and have a go at grillin' some New York steaks. Once again we had success with the help of the women folk and their awesome skills where they pepared the sides which were awesome. After dinner it was time once again to enter the "Circle of Pyros". We had an awesome time telling stories and talking while the kids set everything this side of each other on fire. After our long day and fishing expedition hike we were all pretty tired so we decided to all turn in at 9:30pm. After a whores bath was had by all and a few disturbing images that Brandon Crow had been subjected to after looking into the Crows Nest which were comprised of something along the lines of tighty whities with knee socks and someone with their pants around their ankles whiles falling off of a bed it was time to sleep. Sleep tight. . . Don't let the bed bugs bite was the theme for tonight for everyone, everyone that is except the Littles, as it was another early morning for the SHHH. . .SHHH. . .FUCK air matress pit crew who jumped into action at 3;30am and once again at 6:30am. I swear to Christ I am ready to kill anyone with the last name of Coleman, in fact I may hunt one down when we return home on Monday.

Well another early morning with a Rockstar and again another early morning rendevous with a fully clothed bright eyed and bushy tailed Dennis who looked extremely refreshed from the shower he had at the showere trailer by the store as he must not have felt his "Whores Bath" was adequate as the cost for a 12 minute shower was $5.00 I Know. . . I know . . . holy shit! In his early morning adventure Dennis had found out that the fish were apparently being caught at the Dam. Once everyone was up we polled the kids as to how long of a hike it was to the dam. They all said it was only about a 30 minute hike. What they had failed to tell us is that you had to be a fucking mountain goat to make this hike. All I know is by the time we were half way there Pam was asking for Oxygen and I was also in need of not Oxygen but I needed someone to tell me just how much phlegm was actually coming out of my ass. After what seemed like at least two hours we arrived at the dam. During mine a Dennis' final descent to the dam we had taken a mountain goat steep road path that had loose gravel and it was on this leg that I think I actually saw Dennis asshole pucker so tight it started to swallow his shorts and the underwear he was wearing as he almost fell. I was behind him and all I could imagine was Dennis riding the poor woman that was directly infront of him to the bottom of the hill like a snow tobagon. At the last minute however he was like a great airplane pilot and was able to pull up just before his fishing gear became lodged firmly in an innocent bystanders ass. We finally made it to the bottom of the hill where we watched from a shady rock as the rest of our group make it's way onto the dam to fish. We stayed in the shade and fished from the rock for about a half an hour before continuing onto the dam like the others in our group. We fished for a couple of hours where we could see numerous picky fucking trout sniff our bait, chase our spinners, and even check out our salmon eggs but to no avail. It was apparent that this was some sort of cruel cosmic joke where nature and ones own kids try and kills the adults with a hike from hell with a promise of fish at the end of the rainbow or was it that we sould hike to end my life over the rainbow trout. Who knows either way I was fucked. After a good fish fucking we hiked back to our campsite which was as we all know was a mere 30 minutes from the dam. . . If you were a fucking Cheetah. At any rate we arrived back to Casa De Little Crow and proceeded to sit a spell. While we were sitting in our snack circle we were able to witness another miracle of nature. This miracle answered a probing question regarding squirrel hygene. We soon foud out that they must use toilet paper to wipe their tiny furry assess as on of them came down a tree in our campsite an stole a couple of sqaures of toilet paper. As you can imagine these few sqaures must be able to lasts for months because honestly just how much ass wipe does a squirrel need. . . Not much I'm sure. After thenature show it was discovered that the "Jumbo Douche" had sat in the sun and was now warm enough to be used to wash peoples hair. A hair washing marathon then was underway wow was this a sight to behold. I was fortunate enough to be folically challenged at the time of the Douching Marathon so I rapidly became the action photographer. After the thorough Douching we proceeded with the preparations for Tostada Night and during these preparations the women folk proceeded to make the entire campground smell absolutely AAAWWWWEEESSSOOOMMMEEE. We were surely we beinged envied by everyone in the campground. After dinner the leftoveers were deposited on the forrest floor by Pam in what can only be described an a vomitous pile of fun fiesta food that was sure to entice the local crittes to visit our campsite and cry out "Ole'". Or at the very least it should give them a wicked case of intestinal gas. Everyone sat around the Pyro patio for a while when it was decided to turn the dinning hall into gaming hall. Game time lasted a couple of hours with a game of Yahtzee followed by a round of a game called "Eat It" which is a game about food and believe it or not I am actaully quite good at. Imagine that a fat guy is good at a game involving food, what a surprise. After game time we all returned back to Pyropalooza where new items were now being added to the list of items such as hamburger patties . . .I know I know What the Fuck, beats me it's the draw of the flame I guess. After a while of snacks and flames everyone decided to turn in. I knew that I would be up in about for hours leading the SHHH. . .SHHH. . . FUCK Brigade one last time. Lghts out was not only filled with the sound of the SHHH. . .SHHH. . .FUCK Tribe it was also filled with the sound of a pack of Cyotes too. The call went out to the SHHH. . .SHHH. . .FUCK Tribe and was answered at around 2:30 and again at 5:00am. This was our departure morning so everyone was up pretty early and we had the danish and fruit breakfast. After beakfast the De-Camping process began. The trucks were loaded and we were heading home. Everything was going great, with pretty light traffic and hitting all of the traffic lights green that was until the bungee net that was holding all of the items from Casa De Little decided to fall apart like a cheap suit case. The result was I gracefully launched a 6 foot folding table into the fast lane of the double passing lanes. While it was being deployed one of the folding leg untis decided that it would be a good idea to open thus causing the table resemble a motorcylce ramp only in reverse. As I secured the remaining items Joanie, Joey and Ashley and Brandon Crow braved traffic and about a 1/4 mile hike to try and retrieve the highway obstacle. Amazingly enough not one vehicle hit the table and upon deployment nary a car was hit. How the hell that happened I will never know. After securring the remaining item I made the hazardous U-Turn and retrieved both the table and pit crew. We continued the rest of the way home without incident or even much in the way of traffic. We complete our adventure at the Crows Nest. This was by far one of my favorite camping trips have been on. I can't wait to do it again. Next time New Brighton Beach State Park.

No This Is Not An April Fools . . .But She Must Be Blonde!!!

Woman to 911: Help! I'm locked inside my car

Amy L. Edwards Sentinel Staff Writer
9:45 AM EDT, April 1, 2009

A 911 dispatcher had to tell a woman how to unlock her car on Sunday.A woman called Kissimmee police to say she was locked inside her car at the Walgreen's on John Young Parkway near Poinciana."My car will not start. I'm locked inside my car," the unidentified woman said."Nothing electrical works. And it's getting very hot in here, and I'm not feeling well."

Listen: Woman locked inside car calls 911 Audio

The dispatcher asked the woman if she was able to manually pull the lock up on the door.The woman said she would try, and then, she said, "Yes, I got the door open."


There is not much to say about this much stupid walking the face of the earth all you can do is hope you never have to meet this person.

This reminds me of a story that my oldest son told me about a girl he knew when he was in high school. This girl, we'll call her dip shit to protect her identity, was convinced by some of her friends that her car was low on "Blinker Fluid" that's right "Blinker Fluid". For any of you who are familiar with breathing know that there is no such thing much less if you vehicle was low on this fluid that the vehicle was in eminent danger of a catastrophic system failure resulting in irreparable damage. Well she wasn't so lucky she was frantically search for the "Blinker Fluid" filling point so she would know where to put it in once she bought some. The whole scenario was made even worse by someone who secretly during the whole explanation process poured some water under one of her front turn signals to mimic a leak. As we all know in the world of dip shitism this confirmed it in her eyes that she had a definite leak. As my oldest son proceeded to tel me this story I think I actually peed a little as I was laughing so hard.

I checked and the girl in my sons story was nowhere near Florida today, she was seen today stuck in a round about on Sylvan Avenue for a solid 4 hours. Well hopefully I will write more this weekend time permitting. Until them have a "Super Safe" day. ( That's my new job talking)