Well as promised I am here to talk about an amusing story that I read while perving . . . I mean cruising the Internet. That's right ladies an gentlemen the Michigan police busted someone making hot sweet love to a car wash vacuum cleaner.
Holy shit what was this fucker thinking. There is absolutely no way that you can even remotely explain this away once you are caught. I racked my brain all night and all day and the best my twisted mind came up with was something the hilarious comedian Billy Connolly said in his stand up routine. He was giving every man in the audience advice as to what to say when they get caught jerkin' the gherkin'. The "Fucker", as we will refer to the Michigan vacuum virgin as in this case, once caught needed to immediately upon being caught yell "THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE"!! followed by "YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE THIS"!! At that point as Billy Connolly says, the person who is the one who caught the "Fucker" or the "PO PO" as we will call them in this case, would be immediately surprised by the exclamation. This is where this whole scenario get very very tricky. The follow up comment has to make sense and fit the scene. That is where I see a major problem. What could you even say? "I was walking across the car wash lot and the "Fuckuum" attacked me. I was out for an evening stroll and was propositioned for a fifty cent blow job. The last one is the one I used . . . I mean would have used. At any rate the "Fucker" had to plead "No Contest" as he was not getting any cooperation out of his all too silent partner. So the next time you are thinking that it would be a good idea to stick your "Pee Pee" into an inanimate object think about what excuse that you could possibly use to explain the sick twisted act in the first place.
For those of you who are not fortunate enough to know who Billy Connolly is. He is one of the funniest comedians that I know. The plus is his Scottish accent. Here is a link the the story that I refered to in my rant: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqnUceOIEHE I hope everyone enjoyed the trip to you tube. Until my next post . . . "FUCK OFF"!! (Watch the video you'll understand the "Fuck Off").
Friday, March 13, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Latest Update . . .Political Correctness . . . People Who Get Butt Hurt Too Fuckin' Easy!!!
Well in case you aren't aware it has been a while since I have entered anything into the blog. I have been going through quite the change as I have a new job thanks to the down turn in the construction trade. I am now the safety office for the Health Services Agency for Stanislaus County. I guess you could say I am very lucky to have found a job during these troubled economic times. I have been working at my job for the past few weeks and it has been very hectic. I have met a lot of great people in many departments. I even have met a department where the people were fans of the China blog. I felt like quite the celebrity when my identity was discovered. I am just glad that everyone who read the blog enjoyed it and shared laughs along with us fortunate ones who found themselves in the land of the "Yellow Locusts".
Now on to my latest rant . . .
The topic of the evening is Political Correctness and how it has gotten way out of control. I was attending my recent new employee orientation when we were shown an interesting video. The video was called "Fish". It told the story of the famous fish market in Seattle Washington's famous farmers market. It profiled how the employees have nonstop fun at work. They do everything from throw fish back and forth as they fill orders, to yell things in unison, to constant joking and high level of interaction with the public. They involve customers and observers alike. I found this actually odd that in these times of extreme political correctness where you can't even innocently tell a female coworker that she looks nice without fear of being fucking sued to the hilt, they would insinuate that we should have fun at work. How dare they!!!
My point is that they say we should have fun at work, but everyone knows that it is just a bunch of fucking bullshit and that they don't mean it. If everyone had fun at work the people who get Butt Hurt at the drop of a hat would have to pitch a fucking fit until their whinny asses were soothed to the point that it becomes all about them. My view of fun in the work place is pretty simple "Life Is Too Short And You Only Go On This Ride Once So What The Hell Have Fun Whenever Possible" As anyone who knows me outside of work knows me as "The Tsunami of Fun". I received this distinguished title as I have been known to Suck people into the "Fun Tsunami" even if they don't want to have fun. The last place I worked was like a big dysfunctional happy drunk family. I mean this in the best way. No body there would ever think about sexual harassment charges because of an off color joke. Alright who am I kidding, the jokes weren't off color they were fucking hilarious and as nasty and dirty as they come. I loved my time there but Toto I know we are not in Kansas anymore. I have my work cut out for me as I will try and bridge the gap between having a fun workplace and staying out of a law suit. I hope to get employees involved in a fun environment that makes them want to be in the Tsunami of Fun. So let it be known to all in the Tsunami kingdom the winds have begun and the changes are coming. Tomorrow the funny story of . . .
Now on to my latest rant . . .
The topic of the evening is Political Correctness and how it has gotten way out of control. I was attending my recent new employee orientation when we were shown an interesting video. The video was called "Fish". It told the story of the famous fish market in Seattle Washington's famous farmers market. It profiled how the employees have nonstop fun at work. They do everything from throw fish back and forth as they fill orders, to yell things in unison, to constant joking and high level of interaction with the public. They involve customers and observers alike. I found this actually odd that in these times of extreme political correctness where you can't even innocently tell a female coworker that she looks nice without fear of being fucking sued to the hilt, they would insinuate that we should have fun at work. How dare they!!!
My point is that they say we should have fun at work, but everyone knows that it is just a bunch of fucking bullshit and that they don't mean it. If everyone had fun at work the people who get Butt Hurt at the drop of a hat would have to pitch a fucking fit until their whinny asses were soothed to the point that it becomes all about them. My view of fun in the work place is pretty simple "Life Is Too Short And You Only Go On This Ride Once So What The Hell Have Fun Whenever Possible" As anyone who knows me outside of work knows me as "The Tsunami of Fun". I received this distinguished title as I have been known to Suck people into the "Fun Tsunami" even if they don't want to have fun. The last place I worked was like a big dysfunctional happy drunk family. I mean this in the best way. No body there would ever think about sexual harassment charges because of an off color joke. Alright who am I kidding, the jokes weren't off color they were fucking hilarious and as nasty and dirty as they come. I loved my time there but Toto I know we are not in Kansas anymore. I have my work cut out for me as I will try and bridge the gap between having a fun workplace and staying out of a law suit. I hope to get employees involved in a fun environment that makes them want to be in the Tsunami of Fun. So let it be known to all in the Tsunami kingdom the winds have begun and the changes are coming. Tomorrow the funny story of . . .
Michigan man who pleads no contest in vacuum sex act case.
HOLY SHIT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH ALL BY ITSELF!!!Thursday, November 27, 2008
Food . . . Fun . . . Marching Band Finals!
Well it is that time of year again, marching band state finals. This years finals competition took place at East Bay State University in Hayward. The day began as any other band competition weekend . . . Way To God Damn Early!!!! We arrived at the school at 6:15am and proceeded to load the equipment and various other items for our adventure. This included enough food and water to survive in the wilds of the bay area for a good month or two. After the loading of the two trailers we were off to the races. The travel time was about an hour and a half and we arrived at about 9:30am. We set up our usual awesome base camp which is usually the envy of all of the other schools. The band was to step off into competition at about 11:30 am so the kids went off to the practice field for a warm up and run through of their show before the actual competition. The adults scoped out the route to the competition field so we would have an idea what our old asses were up against when it came to helping the kids with all of the various large instruments and carts that are used in the "Pit". We were surprised to find that our camp was actually located at the summit of Mount Fucking Everest and the field was located at the base of the mountain a mere 100 miles away. Okay so I am exaggerating a little, but it was about a mile from our camp and every bit as steep as a surface street in downtown San Fransisco. After our investigation of the route we were approached by a couple of the Modesto High School parents asking if it would be okay to use our drum major podium as theirs was broken, and wouldn't you know it these two lovely people were driving a quad. The deals were stuck and it turns out that in return for the use of the podium they would pull our huge drum cart full of equipment up the steep ass hill. Things were starting off great then we found out that the bathrooms were about a half a mile away down the other side of Mount Everest.
Well it was time to leave for the competition we gathered all of the equipment and headed out down the mountain. There we were looking like a shit load of Sherpa's packing everything down from Mount Everest to the Base Camp. We got to the bottom and it really wasn't too bad. The kids performed as what only be call their best show of the season. We exited the field and began the hike up Everest. We soon found out that even though we may have resembled a pack load of Sherpa's . . . we weren't, but we sure could have used eight or nine from where I was standing. At any rate we started our ascent only having to stop for oxygen two or three times. After huffing and puffing and blowing phlegm out of our asses we arrived at the safety of our camp. After a quick rest, drink and pee break lunch was served.
After lunch the adults cleaned up and relaxed while the kids went to watch some of the bands compete. The weather was perfect for sitting around and telling stories and general socializing. It was approaching the dinner hour and this dinner was the senior dinner where the graduating seniors get to be first in line for food, get to eat on real dishes with real silverware, and sit at a real table and chairs. The band alumni were in charge of the food for dinner and man did they deliver. They fixed tri-tip, baked potatoes, pasta salad, garlic bread, fruit and two cakes for dessert. Everything was delicious and enjoyed by all. Afterwards we all cleaned up and broke down camp. We then went to watch a couple of hours of competition before the awards. We got to see quite a few bands from Southern California and they were pretty impressive as well. Well it was finally 9:45 pm and the tension mounted as the announcements started with the awards for the single "A" bands. This is our division and had sixteen bands competing. The top three bands would be advancing to finals that would take place on Sunday. As it turned out we were barely edged out of third place by 1.5 points . . .SHIT!!! Fourth place is still respectable as far as I'm concerned fourth in the state in our division is AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME!!!!! As we wound up our evening by arriving at the high school at 12:00am to unload all of our stuff the realization of the fact that we did not have to be up at 5:00am to leave for finals that the disappointment quite a bit. We had an awesome season and we are looking forward to the winter drum line season that starts in a few weeks. Until we meet again "May the force be with you".
Well it was time to leave for the competition we gathered all of the equipment and headed out down the mountain. There we were looking like a shit load of Sherpa's packing everything down from Mount Everest to the Base Camp. We got to the bottom and it really wasn't too bad. The kids performed as what only be call their best show of the season. We exited the field and began the hike up Everest. We soon found out that even though we may have resembled a pack load of Sherpa's . . . we weren't, but we sure could have used eight or nine from where I was standing. At any rate we started our ascent only having to stop for oxygen two or three times. After huffing and puffing and blowing phlegm out of our asses we arrived at the safety of our camp. After a quick rest, drink and pee break lunch was served.
After lunch the adults cleaned up and relaxed while the kids went to watch some of the bands compete. The weather was perfect for sitting around and telling stories and general socializing. It was approaching the dinner hour and this dinner was the senior dinner where the graduating seniors get to be first in line for food, get to eat on real dishes with real silverware, and sit at a real table and chairs. The band alumni were in charge of the food for dinner and man did they deliver. They fixed tri-tip, baked potatoes, pasta salad, garlic bread, fruit and two cakes for dessert. Everything was delicious and enjoyed by all. Afterwards we all cleaned up and broke down camp. We then went to watch a couple of hours of competition before the awards. We got to see quite a few bands from Southern California and they were pretty impressive as well. Well it was finally 9:45 pm and the tension mounted as the announcements started with the awards for the single "A" bands. This is our division and had sixteen bands competing. The top three bands would be advancing to finals that would take place on Sunday. As it turned out we were barely edged out of third place by 1.5 points . . .SHIT!!! Fourth place is still respectable as far as I'm concerned fourth in the state in our division is AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME!!!!! As we wound up our evening by arriving at the high school at 12:00am to unload all of our stuff the realization of the fact that we did not have to be up at 5:00am to leave for finals that the disappointment quite a bit. We had an awesome season and we are looking forward to the winter drum line season that starts in a few weeks. Until we meet again "May the force be with you".
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
One Funny Television Show. . . . .Redneck Weddings
Well as the title of this post states I believe I have found one of the funniest television shows of late, "My big fat redneck wedding". The show is hosted by Tom Arnold and airs on CMT. CMT stands for "Country Music Television" for those of you who are not into Nascar or Rodeos.
The premise of the show as you can imagine is featuring weddings of the redneck variety and oh man are they humorous. One episode had a sex talk between a step mother and her daughter regarding on what she could use as birth control in case they did not have any condoms handy. This is where the stepmother proceeded to slide a zip-lock sandwich bag over a banana and tied it at the base with a decorative confederate flag ribbon. Oh yeah and did I mention that the bride was marrying her brother. That's right marrying her brother. Apparently the grooms parents adopted the bride at the ripe age of 16 years old and did not find it strange when their son started banging his sister like a screen door in a tornado and then subsequently wanted to get married. talk about keeping it in the family. Every episode has the couple introduction, the wedding preparations, the wedding, reception and finally the gift exchange. The gift exchange is probably one of the most interesting parts of the show as the redneck idea of what they should get each other as a special gift has ranged from a chrome exhaust pipe for her tractor to the skeletal remains of a raccoon penis. Yup that's got What The Hell written all over it.
So if you haven't had a chance to watch this show I recommend that you check your local listings and at least watch it once for the sheer comedic value of the show. You may even get hooked. Well until next time see me later.
The premise of the show as you can imagine is featuring weddings of the redneck variety and oh man are they humorous. One episode had a sex talk between a step mother and her daughter regarding on what she could use as birth control in case they did not have any condoms handy. This is where the stepmother proceeded to slide a zip-lock sandwich bag over a banana and tied it at the base with a decorative confederate flag ribbon. Oh yeah and did I mention that the bride was marrying her brother. That's right marrying her brother. Apparently the grooms parents adopted the bride at the ripe age of 16 years old and did not find it strange when their son started banging his sister like a screen door in a tornado and then subsequently wanted to get married. talk about keeping it in the family. Every episode has the couple introduction, the wedding preparations, the wedding, reception and finally the gift exchange. The gift exchange is probably one of the most interesting parts of the show as the redneck idea of what they should get each other as a special gift has ranged from a chrome exhaust pipe for her tractor to the skeletal remains of a raccoon penis. Yup that's got What The Hell written all over it.
So if you haven't had a chance to watch this show I recommend that you check your local listings and at least watch it once for the sheer comedic value of the show. You may even get hooked. Well until next time see me later.
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