Does It Get Any Better Than Phone Sex And Chorizo?

Well now that I have your attention you twisted bastards it time to explain the title. I recently read a couple of news stories that struck me as pretty funny and I thought I would share.

The first story took place in Detroit Michigan and is political in nature, which is perfect as there is the upcoming elections looming on the horizon. Well it appears that the Detroit Michigan democrats are trying something to spark absentee voting which I think is pure genius. Weather or not they are claiming it was an accident, I love it. It seems that in there attempt to spark the interest in absentee voting they "Accidentally" directed people to a phone sex line. Yeah Baby I think I want to be a democrat in Detroit. I now know I love Detroit even more as it not only is home to my favorite Hockey team, the Detroit Red Wings, but now it has democrats who are hooked on Phone Sex Lines. . .Somebody tell Joanie I'm moving. The state spokeswoman said that apparently there were fliers that were distributed with the campaign party's hot line number "Misprinted" (Yeah Right) with the phone sex numbers. That's not even the best part as apparently the flier also had a picture of Barrack Obama on it. Oh but wait there's more. Apparently the TV station that broke the story was WJBK-TV or was it WBJK-TV. I think the second one would have made the story complete. I think the message that the Michigan democratic party was trying to get through to potential voters was that being an absentee voter was not a difficult thing to do but with their help it was a "HARD" thing to do thanks to the sex line tip.

The second story that I found to be humorous was one that was about smuggling and US Customs at the US / Mexico border. The story read that a southern Texas lady trying to gain entry into the US was apparently claiming several soiled baby diapers at the border. What the fuck is this world coming to where someone would actually think that nobody would think it was odd if they were to claim soiled baby diapers at the border, Holy Shit! I can only imagine that the US customs officers were thinking that the diapers contained drugs of some sort as this wasn't something that a normal person would claim. They were correct in a sense as the diapers contained contraband of sorts only it wasn't drugs but Chorizo. That's right she was smuggling Chorizo sausages like little turds in baby diapers. Talk about laughing my ass off if I was a customs agent. Only this is no laughing matter as it is apparently illegal to smuggle Chorizo into these fine United States. This would apparently throw off the delicate balance of US supply and demand for US manufactured Chorizo. So much so that this act in lack of judgment cost the south Texas woman $300.00 and the agents seized her Chorizo as well. Either this was the worlds best Chorizo or she was one crazy bitch as you can buy a fuck load of Chorizo for $300.00. At any rate I thought that it had a funny visual effect as I could picture the first agent unwrapping the first "Baby" diaper and seeing the size of the "Log" that she was claiming her baby left in the diaper. I'm sure his initial reaction would have been "Holy Shit!" or "What The Fuck?", either way very funny.

Well there you have it my rant for the day. Well I had better go as Joanie is needing something. (Yes, she is home and doing well). Peace Out!

Serious Note . . .Joanies Surgery

Well everything was a success in regards to Joanie's surgery this morning. The doctor said that there were no problems and that it went as he had expected. He said that the way that he had performed the surgery through four small incisions in her stomach using robotic tools was a very minimally intrusive way to perform this surgery and she should recovery fairly quickly. As a matter of fact she may be able to come home as soon as tomorrow (Wednesday). Well since I have been up since 4:30am and it is now midnight I am going to end this post with a huge thank you to everyone who visited with Joanie and myself today at the hospital and also to everyone who called/emailed their well wishes to us as well. I will return to the pearls of wisdom next time.

What's This . . .Vanginal Oder?

Well just when I think I have seen it all, a new television commercial comes on the tube advertising gay cowboys, personal lubricants or some other crazy shit. This time even I was shocked and we all know how much it takes to shock me.

I was sitting there in my living room minding my own business watching the television when out of nowhere there was a fairly attractive Italian chick spouting out the words "Do you have vaginal oder"? I obviously had to answer immediately "Hell No I Don't Even Have A Vagina" but if I did I'm pretty sure I would be a whore though. At any rate the advertisement talked about how the women of Italy use a bidet to eliminate "some" of this problem. I had to think if I was one of these Italian women I would want something that took care of the entire problem.

There were some very unique thing about this commercial that I have to mention. The first one that stands out is that this product is available at it's introductory price of $29.95. The next is that it has a 30-day return policy. That's right a god damn 30-day return policy? Did I hear that right? Holy crap say it isn't so. I sat there for a few moments and let thet seep into my brain and marinate. When I told Joanie about this amazing new commercial and the return policy she quickly informed me in her womenly wisdom, that it probably was because that it is used to wash the outer surface of the naughty bits. Then I recalled the stinky Italian chick said that the Italian women use a bidet to remedy "some" of the problem and this thing takes care of the "Hole Stinking" problem. Since they did not show a picture of this item I went to their website and yes it was a fucking stainless steel dildo like 'gina sprinkler that Joanie says "Looked like a melon baller". So let me get this right, you can insert the wussy washer into your naughty bits and after 30-days if your bagel still has cream cheese and stinks like rotting fish you can send it in for your money back, HOLY SHIT THAT'S NASTY.

This leads me to to my next question. If women are returning this washing wonder dildo, how would you know if they sent you a new or used one. That puts a "Hole" new spin on recycling during these tough economic times. While I was on the website I researched it a little and it told of how it works using gravity to provide a "Gentle" stream of body temperature water to the inside of every surface of the vagina by manipulating this thing around inside the naughty bits. After my research I thought about it and in a very short time remedied the return policy problem that I am sure would save them millions. The solution is make sure that the water pulsates like a shower massage. . . .Right ladies? There you have it my solution to a major corporate problem. This might actually increase their sales, I think I'll email them right now.

So if there is anyone interested in visiting the website here is the link; http://www.waterworkshealth.com/home/.

I don't expect anyone to contact me and tell me that they have tried and want to send me their review as they would be admitting they have a smelly kitty. Hmmm what about kitty litter with baking soda. . .Anyone??? Well that's it for now and always remember there is nothing worse for your love life than a limp rooster or a smelly kitty.

Well I'm Back !!!!

Well it has been a while since I have written a post. I feel it is time to pick up the trail of offensive stories to hopefully lift everyones spirits in these very trying times. As everyone who knows the history of this blog site there was a time where it was touch and go with censorship attempts. I have since then decided that I own this blog site and therefore will do thing entirely my way. So get ready, sit down, hold on and shut the hell up because it could be a bumpy ride.

There will be no warnings regarding the language on the various posts as there is one in the site title. So if you read something that offends you thats just too damn bad. . . Deal With It ! ! !


Big Daddy

More Shopping. . .Acrobats. . .And Who Called The Hookers?

Well as you can probably guess by now we awoke to another beautiful hot and humid day. Today was to be our last day in Shanghai as we would be leaving early in the morning on a plane to Bankok Thailand. Our guide was going to be taking us to the "Radio" tower for a tour and ascent into the tower and into one of the many spheres that make up the main structure of the building. The spheres range in height from a few hundred feet in the air to "Holy Shit It's The Pearly Gates" high. That was the height where I believe you need oxygen. Well we board the space shuttle Shanghai to the Radio tower. The pretty cool thing about the bus ride there was that we went into a tunnel that went under the river and to the side where the Radio tower was. I realize that there is nothing new about a tunnel under a river, but it is really interesting when you are in one built in a third world counrty like China. Thoughts go whizzing through your head at a million miles an hour woundering things like "I wonder if they know what rebar is?" and "Was that a leak we just passed?". The thought of recent earthquakes in China entered my thoughts as well and if anyone thought to inspect this watery grave for said leaks. I figured I would keep these twisted thoughts to myself as I didn't want to cause massive panic. Although it would have been fun to see the various facial expressions on peoples faces as the thought process registered and the freakish fear set in. Well we arrived at the Radio tower safe and sound and best of all "Not Dead".

There were two choice on todays agenda, one was the nosebleed ascent to "Mount Holy Shit", or shopping in another mall. The difference in this mall and the others that we had shopped in up to this point was that the "Bastard" was both "Hugantic" and "Ginormous". We were told that it was about four city blocks in diameter and six storied tall. We chose to not "Shit Our Pants" on the Everest Elevator and walked to the mall instead. We were pleasantly surprised to find that there was a Pizza Hut in the mall, now if only we could find it. We asked a few people at the "Information Desks" that we found along the way and they were such a huge help that they might as well have called them "We Don't Understand What The Hell You're Saying Desks". At any rate we finally found the Hut of The Pizza as Joanie hugged the familiar sign we laughed and proceeded to enter. The first thing that we noticed was that we were not in Kansas anymore because they had a stand at the poteum god honest Materdee, that took the time to seat us and provide us with menus and everything. As we looked around you could tell that coming here for someone from China must be a major outting as there was soft music playing as well as very nice decorations, statues and plants all over. Well our group consisted of 9 people and there wasn't a table in sight that could accomodate that many so they sat us at adjoining booths and we were soon in the grips of the battle of "Our Booths Better Than Yours" saga. We ordered our drinks first but the other team ordered both drinks and Pizza at the same time (Damn those tricky bastards). We assesed the situation and quickly adjusted with a counter order only to find out that the were out of the 12" pie (Once again Damn them bastards). We quickly ordered our respective pies as if we were speaking Chinese. Then the waiting game began, and I do mean waiting game. Eventually the pies started to be delivered after about 45 minutes which really put a bind in our schedule, because we originally only had about 1.5 hours until we had to reconvien at the buses. Our food finally arrived and when it did we all requested "To Go" boxes immediately, because we were not sure how long the Origami exercise would take and we didn't want to chance leaving any of this tasty food behind. We ate the pizza as fast as we could. Throwing caution to the wind and not even caring about the small hanging pieces of flesh that would soon be forming on the roofs of our mouths from the blistering cheese that we were shoveling in at an alarming rate. We ate until it was time to pay and leave. With "To Go" boxes in hand and a semi-sense-of-direction at hand we headed back to the bus. Along the way we saw an advertisment for "Hooters". . . No Shit. . . "Hooters". . . in China. We had to see for ourselves. Imagine that if you can Big Boobies in China. That would be like finding male Chinese porn stars hung like "Horses". That's right you'd have to see it to believe it. . .Same here. We were now on a mission to find "Hooters". We asked every person we met if they knew where Hooters was, we even used the universal sign for Hooters, you know hands on the chest rapidly rising to signify humongous bags O'fun. Well we might as well been on a mission to find the "G" spot because we had no luck finding "Hooters". We found out after we had returned to the bus that the only way to get to Hooters was through an outside entrance in the back of the mall. Why?. . . Oh why?. . . do they treat Hooters like the "Bat Cave"? What a cruel cruel world. Well I'm sure that it made Joanies day as she was not thrilled with the possiblity of me checking out "China Titties". . .Damnit!!! We left to go back to the hotel for the customary shower and preparation for our next adventure, which would be the Chinese Acrobat Show.

After the freshen session we reboarded the Shanghai Shot off to dinner and a show. We had once again managed to fins a Chinese resturant in China . . .Go figure! After dinner there was about an hour to kill so they let us run a muck up and down the street in an old part of Shanghai. There was nothing interesting along the way except for the fact that we found out where "The Red Panties Grow", I have pictures and can prove it too. I guess it's on the same lines of "Where The Red Fern Grows" but only this I believe involved a slutty woman not a dog. We made our way back to the resturant and boarded the bus to the theatre. Once we arrived it was another "Chinese Fire Drill" where a massive crowd of people tried to squeeze into one door all the while trying not to lose any kids or become separated from your group. After much people juggling of our own it was "Show Time"! We watched in absolute AWE of what the Acrobats were doing. They were performing completly unimaginable feats of balance, juggling and all around amazing things. We had an excellent time and this was a memory that I am sure we would not soon forget. We were now off to the hotel for a night of packing our things in preparation.