For those of you who follow my blog know that I blog about my many adventures when I travel somewhere. Well this time is no exception. This trip as the title suggests is a trip with the wife and her sister to Las Vegas. Yes Las Vegas . . . In August, what the fuck was I thinking right!?! We recently discovered that Las Vegas is suffering from a swarm of millions of grasshoppers . . . So this trip should be full of humor and horrors galore . . . And oh yeah the wife's sister is 50 and never been to Sin City. Let the fun begin . . .
We arrived at the Stockton airport about 1 1/2 hour before our flight was to depart so what do you with a hour and a half to burn . . . You go to the bar for a drink of course. After a round of adult beverages it was time to hit the TSA check point and of course for anyone who follows my travels knows that nothing ever goes smoothly. It started with my armpit setting off the body scanner. That's right my fucking armpit. I guess I should be glad it wasn't my dick as usual. Yup you have read that correctly . . . My past three flights I have had the pleasure of having a TSA agent feel up my junk. After a quick pit search it was on to the wife's items being gone through like the terrorist that she is. Her meds like she was fucking drug mule, her keys like she stole the keys to the fucking plane and last but not least her jewelry like she was smuggling blood diamonds . . . It's like the TSA have never seen these item . . . Seriously WTF.
Off to board the plane . . .
So we get on the plane and get settled in our seats and low and behold the two year old two rows behind us starts what can only be described as a screaming display that rivals the best horror movies ever produced. This went on for a good 30 minutes as we sat there prisoners in our metal tube of a prison.
It was now time to taxi and take off . . . But wait there's more. The captain comes on the radio and proceeds to tell us that they cannot take off as there is a warning light that wont go off and they are working on it with maintenance staff to figure it out. So we flipped a bitch and returned to the terminal to figure it out . . . All the while screaming Mimi screaming at the top of its lungs . . . For Fuck Sake someone put a titty in its mouth. Hell at this point I'm willing to use my voluptuous man boobs.
Well another 30 minutes went by and now it's time for try number two. This time we have lift with a hi ho silver and screaming baby away . . . The flight was uneventful if you don't count the screaming banshee two rows back. Who travels with a baby and doesn't slip them a benadryl cocktail before ther flight . . . Seriously!
The approach to the Las Vegas was a little bumpy and we attributed it to the potholes in the Nevada skies . . . Even though the approach was bumpy the landing was smooth like butta . . . We exited our metal prison at the gate located somewhere in bumb fuck Egypt. The next stop was baggage cliem which was our first 5 mile hike of this trip. With luggage in hand off to the taxi stand and the ride to the timeshare. The ride went great and I held the drivers hand the whole ride as we bonded immediately . . . Just kidding. We arrived at VIP check in where we were greeted by the friendly staff and our check in member . . . Let's call her chatty Cathy. She was very nice and gave us a hook up on show tickets . . . But let's just say she gave Joanie a ring for her money in the wordsmithing department. With our check in done in an amazing 35 minutes it was off to our home away from home. Everything with the room was good . . . Thank you Jesus.
Our next leg of our journey wa our routine uber trip to the grocery store to purchase our provisions for the week Our uber driver . . . Let's just call him Fred . . . Because it goes with Lucy, Ethel's and Ricky's Vegas vacation. He also was quite the conversationalist as he was very open about telling us about his kidney transplant, the cost of his medication and the fact that he was fired from a casino where he was a craps dealer for 15 years . . . Shady . . . Maybe but he was super nice and helpful.
We arrived back at the timeshare with a buttload of groceries that required the bellman's help . . . Damn you would think we moved here permanently . . . It's probably because we shopped hungry . . . Go figure! We loaded the fridge and pantry then it was off to and overdue food stop. This was our second 5 mile hike of the trip to the PBR bar and grill where dinner and drinks were amazing . . . Well let's be honest . . . It could have recycled from the south end of a bull because we were that hungry . . . Truth is it really was good. Our next mission . . . Which we accepted even though our legs were rapidly giving out . . . Was to locate and buy Joanies required weekly ration of Starbucks Caramel Frappuccinos. We search high and low with no luck . . . Until finally we spotted the caramel colored pot of gold at the end of the rainbow know as Walgreens. with purchase in hand it was back to from what now will be known as the igloo as the air conditioning was cranked down and was working amazing. Bed time for the three ice cubes and this concludes the end of day one . . . Stay tuned . . . .
Sunday, August 4, 2019
Monday, June 19, 2017
THE CROW'S OUT . . . THE LITTLE'S IN . . .
Well the adventure began as innocent as most vacations . . . Flight, car rental, shopping for provisions, and check-in. Our first day was uneventful and went off with pretty much without a hitch. The second day we met up with the Crow's and let the adventure begin.
The day started off innocent enough . . . It was fathers day and was a day that both Joanie and Pam had planned as a surprise for both me and Dennis. The surprise was a leisurely ocean raft adventure up the Napali coast.
While the adventure started out as an innocent adventure . . . The drive there was, for anyone that has followed my blogs would know . . . Was the beginning of what can only be called an adventure to match any other adventure we have taken with our good friends the Crow's. There were eight in our party so we had to take two vehicles. We thought it would be a good idea to follow the Crow's to the small boat harbor in Wiemaia from our timeshare in Poipu. Well we were in for an adventure from the beginning as the first turn was a doozie at full speed ahead Scotty all engines at warp speed . . . Holy shit what the Fuck just happened . . . At a full two wheels off the pavement, Dennis made the turn at about 45-50mph. All we could say was What The Fuck was that. Without thinking we followed him throwing caution to the wind and following him in this ride from hell, like Thelma and Louise over the God damn cliff. We all were still alive but there was a slight pucker factor of about eight . . . And that was just to start. Once we got just about into Hanapepe town as we were rapidly approaching the stop light I noticed the large yellow sign that instructed all drivers . . . "Stop Ahead When Flashing" . . . Yet Dennis was hell bent on getting to our destination and was rabidly approaching a vehicle stopped at the light around the corner. While I wasn't in the run away Crowmobile I can only imagine the chorus of Holy Shits coming from inside the vehicle . . . The stop was successful without any major bloodshed . . . Thank God. The rest of the car ride went smooth even though the Crowmobile was wizzing down the road at California speeds . . . Not island speeds.
We arrived at our destination in one piece and exited our respective sleighs to what could only be called "The smell of Decomp". Yup death was in the air . . . And we haven't even got on the damn boat yet.
We checked in and all made the "Potty Stop" as instructed by our host for the day . . . Needless to say a triple shot of Imodium was in need for me right off the bat. I so didn't want to be the guy that sprayed everyone with a diarrhea shower to kick off the adventure. Lucky for everyone the Imodium worked as advertised and everyone was spared from a shit spray disaster. The adventure went off without a hitch, Dennis and myself even got to take part in an ancient ritual called Mokulele'apapakunelookoobull'eshitkiki which loosely translated means getting peed on by a waterfall, while laying back on the bow of a boat, while a bunch perverts take your picture. I know it's a mouthful, but you know it is just loosely translated. We were treated to various history lessons along the way by our Captain of the U.S.S. Minow, until we stopped for a snorkel stop and lunch. After the snorkel stop . . "Nasa We Have A Problem". As the captain was trying to release the anchor . . . We were stuck to the ocean floor . . . Of course we were . . . The Little's and Crow's were aboard . . . . This makes perfect sense . . . But only to a trained seasoned observer of the Crow/Little experience. It took about 15 minutes of the crew trying to release the anchor, that ended up in one of the crew members having to dive to the bottom to release the anchor from its death grip of Davey Jones locker. Once that incident was resolved we were on our way back to the harbor where the choppy and unsettled seas had a surfing lesson in store for us. After about a 1 hour choppy adventurous ride, we passed the harbor where we had left earlier . . . Only to hear the captain's voice announce that we would have to go past the entrance, thanks to the high surf and time it "just right" . . . And surf the waves our way into the harbor . . . Oh goody . . . What could possibly go wrong . . . With the Little's and Crow's track record . . . God only knows. So with a quick glance over his shoulder the captain put the Mighty Minnow into all ahead full . . . And the race was on. It was the Minnow against the wave, first to the finish line wins. Just when everything was going as planned, the motor died, leaving us at the mercy of the high waves just floundering . . . Well like a flounder. Just then a huge wave came crashing over the Minnows starboard side flipping the boat over in the entrance of the small boat harbor. There was mayhem and screaming and at one point a small fire caused by thr spilled fuel. Just them i woke up and it was just a dream . . . None of that happened . . . But when the Crow's and Little's go on an adventure you can never be too sure. Well as it turned out nothing went wrong and the cast and crew of the U.S.S. Minow would not be lost today.
But wait . . . There's more . . .
We loaded our respective vehicles with our remains of a great day at sea . . . Speaking of remains, the smell of death was still in the air around our vehicles . . . So we stayed and talked a bit about our day and the Crow's previous 9 days on the island . . . All the while the stench would cause some to gag a little every now and then . . . "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CAN WE LEAVE" was the exclamation felt by all, but no one had the balls to say. We mounted our trusty steeds and on that steel horse we rode . . . Back to our little grass shack in Poipu. With the AC blasting we were off. Everything was going good . . . Too Good. So there it was the big yellow flashing sign, warning drivers that they would need to stop ahead when the light was flashing. You may have remembered this from earlier in the day when Dennis damn near went down in a ball of flames . . . But avoided it by stopping in the nick of time. Well this time was no different . . . Same place . . . Same sign . . . Same screeching halt and "Holy Shit" screams coming from the Crowmobile. This time there was something different about this stop . . . I couldn't quite put my finger on it . . . But it was right there in front of me. The light turned green and it came to me . . . The light turned green and Dennis was just sitting there like it was the most comfortable chair and he wasn't going to move. We waited . . . And waited . . . And finally off the Crowmobile went, with a hi-ho Silver away. The rest of the drive was uneventful except for another place where a stop sign must have read 'Stop . . . In the middle of the intersection" because Dennis did exactly that. Finally back at Casa de Poipu, we all found out why there was such a delay at the stop light earlier. It turns out, that it was just Dennis trying to make eye contact with me through his side mirror, and while trying to lock in on a bromamce gaze, the light turned green . . . But traffic would have to wait . . . Because nothing could stand in the way of our love for one another . . . Wait! . . . What!?! Sorry about that I blacked out for a minute. Dennis was simply looking in his rear view mirror to make sure we were all ok and still following in the Littlemobile.
We went to our separate rooms . . . The Crow's to pack to get ready to leave tomorrow . . . And the Little's to relax by the pool. We promised to get together a little later for what can only be called the weirdest drug deal ever. Ok so it wasn't a drug deal, but it was like Christmas time at the food bank and the Little's were the fortunate recipients of a "Major Award", consisting of food and beverages and other odds and ends that the Crow's were so generous to will to us.
But wait . . . There's more . . .
After a few drinks and some spirited conversation it was decided that we would all go and get something to eat . . . Sort of like the Last Supper meets the changing of the guards on the island of Kauai. So off to a little cafe in Old Koloa Town we went . . . Following the Crowmobile only this time without any incidents . . . Except for the occasional hard breaking provided by my lovely wife getting used the the brakes in the rental car. We arrived at the cafe (that was about to close) and the owner was nice enough to let us come in and eat . . . Little did she know what she was in for . . .
Part two . . . WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT !.!.!.
We were seated . . . All eight of us at a nice long table with a view of the beautiful Kauai evening through an open window. Did I mention that there were eight of us . . . Well our waitress, a super nice older woman, would only serve the nine of us . . . That's right . . . The NINE of us. Nine forks . . . Nine glasses of water . . . It was like our Navy son Joey was there in spirit and only she could see him. So we ordered our food and drinks which consisted of burgers, nachos, shrimp and chips and something called a "Perfect Peni" . . . I mean "Perfect Pena" . . . I stand corrected. So the order was placed and the conversation was flowing as it often does, with Joanie blurting out the occasional "Ray be have" . . . When all of a sudden BAM . . . Followed by Blood Curddling screams eminating from Joanies mouth, all the while she was What can only be described as "Dry Washing" her hair in a frantic motion . . . That's when the exclamation of 'What The Fuck" eminated from everyone at the table . . . Yes . . . All nine of us . . . I mean eight of us. We soon saw what caused the rapid explosion of panic at the table . . . The biggest fucking Cockroach had just flew in through the open window into Joanies hair . . . No you read that right . . . A fucking cockroach the size of a small bird flew into Joanies bountiful doo. When it came to rest on the table and we saw it for the first time . . . Our daughter in law was like and Olympic Athlete Ghost . . . She was gone in a poof . . . Peace Out Bitches . . . She moved so fast nobody at the table even saw her move. Jennifer made her way towards the exit with Bobby in tow, while the Cockroach-bird-thingy crawled towards me on the edge of the table. Then I heard Brandon Crow, the eldest Crowlette said "Ray . . . Don't Move". He tried to stab the God Damn thing with a fork . . . Which I'm sure would have just ended up bending the fork, had he made contact with the behemoth. It proceeded to round the corner of the table past Ashley and towards certain doom . . . The Bugman. Dennis jumped into action . . . After the initial scare of course . . . But ever the professional . . . He flicked the massive cockroach-bird-thingy away . . . Bravo Dennis Bravo.
But wait . . . There's more . . .
After a short period of "Getting our shit together" and composing ourselves . . . Not to mention Bobbys stellar job of coaxing Jennifer back to the scene of the crime, we settled down to our meal . . . When all of a sudden . . . Let the screaming and dry hair washing begin again. That's right you guessed it . . . Cockroach number two . . . In the fucking hair again . . . Screams going one way and Jennifer going another with Bobby chasing after her. Now seriously what the Fuck are the odds of two Cockroaches in one hairdo in less than 15 minutes . . . Oh that's right . . . The Little's and the Crow's are together. With the composure once again regained, and Jennifer coaxed back to the table once again, the food and drink consumed when all of a sudden . . . Yup . . . You guessed it . . . Bug number three . . . Holy shit it's like a God Damn Alfred Hitchcock movie gone wrong. Now Jennifer was not only gone, she was an anxiety attack in full blown motion. With the three strike rule in affect . . . We were outta there. We made our way back to the grass shack . . . Said our goodbyes . . . Wished each other safe travels and turned in for the night. As usual . . . If you have read about the Crow's and the Little's adventures . . . This adventure did not disappoint. Until the next adventure Peace Out Bitches . . . Aloha!
The day started off innocent enough . . . It was fathers day and was a day that both Joanie and Pam had planned as a surprise for both me and Dennis. The surprise was a leisurely ocean raft adventure up the Napali coast.
While the adventure started out as an innocent adventure . . . The drive there was, for anyone that has followed my blogs would know . . . Was the beginning of what can only be called an adventure to match any other adventure we have taken with our good friends the Crow's. There were eight in our party so we had to take two vehicles. We thought it would be a good idea to follow the Crow's to the small boat harbor in Wiemaia from our timeshare in Poipu. Well we were in for an adventure from the beginning as the first turn was a doozie at full speed ahead Scotty all engines at warp speed . . . Holy shit what the Fuck just happened . . . At a full two wheels off the pavement, Dennis made the turn at about 45-50mph. All we could say was What The Fuck was that. Without thinking we followed him throwing caution to the wind and following him in this ride from hell, like Thelma and Louise over the God damn cliff. We all were still alive but there was a slight pucker factor of about eight . . . And that was just to start. Once we got just about into Hanapepe town as we were rapidly approaching the stop light I noticed the large yellow sign that instructed all drivers . . . "Stop Ahead When Flashing" . . . Yet Dennis was hell bent on getting to our destination and was rabidly approaching a vehicle stopped at the light around the corner. While I wasn't in the run away Crowmobile I can only imagine the chorus of Holy Shits coming from inside the vehicle . . . The stop was successful without any major bloodshed . . . Thank God. The rest of the car ride went smooth even though the Crowmobile was wizzing down the road at California speeds . . . Not island speeds.
We arrived at our destination in one piece and exited our respective sleighs to what could only be called "The smell of Decomp". Yup death was in the air . . . And we haven't even got on the damn boat yet.
We checked in and all made the "Potty Stop" as instructed by our host for the day . . . Needless to say a triple shot of Imodium was in need for me right off the bat. I so didn't want to be the guy that sprayed everyone with a diarrhea shower to kick off the adventure. Lucky for everyone the Imodium worked as advertised and everyone was spared from a shit spray disaster. The adventure went off without a hitch, Dennis and myself even got to take part in an ancient ritual called Mokulele'apapakunelookoobull'eshitkiki which loosely translated means getting peed on by a waterfall, while laying back on the bow of a boat, while a bunch perverts take your picture. I know it's a mouthful, but you know it is just loosely translated. We were treated to various history lessons along the way by our Captain of the U.S.S. Minow, until we stopped for a snorkel stop and lunch. After the snorkel stop . . "Nasa We Have A Problem". As the captain was trying to release the anchor . . . We were stuck to the ocean floor . . . Of course we were . . . The Little's and Crow's were aboard . . . . This makes perfect sense . . . But only to a trained seasoned observer of the Crow/Little experience. It took about 15 minutes of the crew trying to release the anchor, that ended up in one of the crew members having to dive to the bottom to release the anchor from its death grip of Davey Jones locker. Once that incident was resolved we were on our way back to the harbor where the choppy and unsettled seas had a surfing lesson in store for us. After about a 1 hour choppy adventurous ride, we passed the harbor where we had left earlier . . . Only to hear the captain's voice announce that we would have to go past the entrance, thanks to the high surf and time it "just right" . . . And surf the waves our way into the harbor . . . Oh goody . . . What could possibly go wrong . . . With the Little's and Crow's track record . . . God only knows. So with a quick glance over his shoulder the captain put the Mighty Minnow into all ahead full . . . And the race was on. It was the Minnow against the wave, first to the finish line wins. Just when everything was going as planned, the motor died, leaving us at the mercy of the high waves just floundering . . . Well like a flounder. Just then a huge wave came crashing over the Minnows starboard side flipping the boat over in the entrance of the small boat harbor. There was mayhem and screaming and at one point a small fire caused by thr spilled fuel. Just them i woke up and it was just a dream . . . None of that happened . . . But when the Crow's and Little's go on an adventure you can never be too sure. Well as it turned out nothing went wrong and the cast and crew of the U.S.S. Minow would not be lost today.
But wait . . . There's more . . .
We loaded our respective vehicles with our remains of a great day at sea . . . Speaking of remains, the smell of death was still in the air around our vehicles . . . So we stayed and talked a bit about our day and the Crow's previous 9 days on the island . . . All the while the stench would cause some to gag a little every now and then . . . "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CAN WE LEAVE" was the exclamation felt by all, but no one had the balls to say. We mounted our trusty steeds and on that steel horse we rode . . . Back to our little grass shack in Poipu. With the AC blasting we were off. Everything was going good . . . Too Good. So there it was the big yellow flashing sign, warning drivers that they would need to stop ahead when the light was flashing. You may have remembered this from earlier in the day when Dennis damn near went down in a ball of flames . . . But avoided it by stopping in the nick of time. Well this time was no different . . . Same place . . . Same sign . . . Same screeching halt and "Holy Shit" screams coming from the Crowmobile. This time there was something different about this stop . . . I couldn't quite put my finger on it . . . But it was right there in front of me. The light turned green and it came to me . . . The light turned green and Dennis was just sitting there like it was the most comfortable chair and he wasn't going to move. We waited . . . And waited . . . And finally off the Crowmobile went, with a hi-ho Silver away. The rest of the drive was uneventful except for another place where a stop sign must have read 'Stop . . . In the middle of the intersection" because Dennis did exactly that. Finally back at Casa de Poipu, we all found out why there was such a delay at the stop light earlier. It turns out, that it was just Dennis trying to make eye contact with me through his side mirror, and while trying to lock in on a bromamce gaze, the light turned green . . . But traffic would have to wait . . . Because nothing could stand in the way of our love for one another . . . Wait! . . . What!?! Sorry about that I blacked out for a minute. Dennis was simply looking in his rear view mirror to make sure we were all ok and still following in the Littlemobile.
We went to our separate rooms . . . The Crow's to pack to get ready to leave tomorrow . . . And the Little's to relax by the pool. We promised to get together a little later for what can only be called the weirdest drug deal ever. Ok so it wasn't a drug deal, but it was like Christmas time at the food bank and the Little's were the fortunate recipients of a "Major Award", consisting of food and beverages and other odds and ends that the Crow's were so generous to will to us.
But wait . . . There's more . . .
After a few drinks and some spirited conversation it was decided that we would all go and get something to eat . . . Sort of like the Last Supper meets the changing of the guards on the island of Kauai. So off to a little cafe in Old Koloa Town we went . . . Following the Crowmobile only this time without any incidents . . . Except for the occasional hard breaking provided by my lovely wife getting used the the brakes in the rental car. We arrived at the cafe (that was about to close) and the owner was nice enough to let us come in and eat . . . Little did she know what she was in for . . .
Part two . . . WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT !.!.!.
We were seated . . . All eight of us at a nice long table with a view of the beautiful Kauai evening through an open window. Did I mention that there were eight of us . . . Well our waitress, a super nice older woman, would only serve the nine of us . . . That's right . . . The NINE of us. Nine forks . . . Nine glasses of water . . . It was like our Navy son Joey was there in spirit and only she could see him. So we ordered our food and drinks which consisted of burgers, nachos, shrimp and chips and something called a "Perfect Peni" . . . I mean "Perfect Pena" . . . I stand corrected. So the order was placed and the conversation was flowing as it often does, with Joanie blurting out the occasional "Ray be have" . . . When all of a sudden BAM . . . Followed by Blood Curddling screams eminating from Joanies mouth, all the while she was What can only be described as "Dry Washing" her hair in a frantic motion . . . That's when the exclamation of 'What The Fuck" eminated from everyone at the table . . . Yes . . . All nine of us . . . I mean eight of us. We soon saw what caused the rapid explosion of panic at the table . . . The biggest fucking Cockroach had just flew in through the open window into Joanies hair . . . No you read that right . . . A fucking cockroach the size of a small bird flew into Joanies bountiful doo. When it came to rest on the table and we saw it for the first time . . . Our daughter in law was like and Olympic Athlete Ghost . . . She was gone in a poof . . . Peace Out Bitches . . . She moved so fast nobody at the table even saw her move. Jennifer made her way towards the exit with Bobby in tow, while the Cockroach-bird-thingy crawled towards me on the edge of the table. Then I heard Brandon Crow, the eldest Crowlette said "Ray . . . Don't Move". He tried to stab the God Damn thing with a fork . . . Which I'm sure would have just ended up bending the fork, had he made contact with the behemoth. It proceeded to round the corner of the table past Ashley and towards certain doom . . . The Bugman. Dennis jumped into action . . . After the initial scare of course . . . But ever the professional . . . He flicked the massive cockroach-bird-thingy away . . . Bravo Dennis Bravo.
But wait . . . There's more . . .
After a short period of "Getting our shit together" and composing ourselves . . . Not to mention Bobbys stellar job of coaxing Jennifer back to the scene of the crime, we settled down to our meal . . . When all of a sudden . . . Let the screaming and dry hair washing begin again. That's right you guessed it . . . Cockroach number two . . . In the fucking hair again . . . Screams going one way and Jennifer going another with Bobby chasing after her. Now seriously what the Fuck are the odds of two Cockroaches in one hairdo in less than 15 minutes . . . Oh that's right . . . The Little's and the Crow's are together. With the composure once again regained, and Jennifer coaxed back to the table once again, the food and drink consumed when all of a sudden . . . Yup . . . You guessed it . . . Bug number three . . . Holy shit it's like a God Damn Alfred Hitchcock movie gone wrong. Now Jennifer was not only gone, she was an anxiety attack in full blown motion. With the three strike rule in affect . . . We were outta there. We made our way back to the grass shack . . . Said our goodbyes . . . Wished each other safe travels and turned in for the night. As usual . . . If you have read about the Crow's and the Little's adventures . . . This adventure did not disappoint. Until the next adventure Peace Out Bitches . . . Aloha!
Monday, July 14, 2014
Castaways Country Club Adventure Day One . . . Animals . . . Prowlers and Med i-Flight . . . Oh My!
Well Pam and Dennis arrive at the Little compound at around 1:30pm and the adventure was about to begin. The first order of business was to pack the wagon with our provisions for the 3 day adventure. This was a challenge as the women folk had packed enough for a cross country adventure, instead of the three hour tour often associated with the Castaways .
Our GPS guided wagon was off and our destination of Spanish
Bay Unit #30 at Pebble Beach was a mere 2 ½ hours away . . . Let
the adventure begin.
Dennis aka Jed Clampitt was at the helm
and me aka Jethro was his copilot . . . That was in addition to Lola
our trusty GPS guidance Counselor. With the course plotted and Lola
babbling about turn here turn there to just get out of our
subdivision we were off. We drove for a little over an hour when we
came upon the world famous “Casa De Fruta” and the girls
instructed us that a pit stop was in order. We parked the wagon and
embarked on what could only be described as “The Great Snack Hunt
2014”. I know . . . I know in reading the blog entries about this
adventure from the beginning you would have already been able to
deduce that we already had enough snack for a week much less 3 days.
The one thing that we were missing though was pistachios . . . and as
anyone who has followed the Castaways over the years . . . This has
become a staple and a “Must Have Snack”for them. So we settled on
our flavors, purchased 5 pounds of our $15 a pound snacks, a quick pee
stop and we were off again.
The next leg of our journey found us
following Lola's directions into the middle of nowhere in route to
highway 156 when out of nowhere a pterodactyl size hawk swooped in to
latch onto the wagon and fly off with it . . . or so it seemed. In
actuality the hawk was only playing the little known game of “Swoop
And Make Them Shit”. The hawk swooped . . . we all screamed . . .
and yes I peed a little . . . first laughable moment was now behind
us! Not too long after what is now known as the "Holy Shit-Hawk" incident, a loud scream of "RAKE"! came from the back seat. That is when Dennis' driving skills were put to the test. With a swerve swerve here and a swerve swerve there, here a swerve there a swerve everywhere a swerve swerve. With NASCAR like driving skills, eminent tire damage from the steely tines was avoided . . . mighty fine driving Mr. Earnhardt. Another hour or so of following Lola's directions was uneventful
. . . then we arrived at the guarded entrance to 17 Mile Drive and
Pebble Beach.
At the gate we were to give the guard
our name and we were supposed to be in the system . . . well we were
. . . which was a big surprise as usually when the castaways are on
an adventure . . . Shit Happens! With the guard behind us now and
him knowing damn well that we were with “Dennis Crow”, the
entrance to the life styles of the rich and famous was now in our
sights the next stop was the gate to Spanish Bay Residences aka “The
Mansion” . . .
We arrived at the gates to the Spanish
Bay Residential compound where unit #30 was located which would be
our base of operations for the next three days. In the instructions
provided to us by our host there were a couple of codes . . . of
which being a good copilot . . . I gave them to Dennis in the wrong
order to punch into the keypad at the gate. To our surprise when the
first code was entered a woman’s voice answered the subsequent
ringing . . . Hello . . . Yes we were given this code and told that
it would open this gate . . . Um okay . . . I'll open it for you . .
. and low and behold the gate to the compound opened . . . Hell yeah
we were in! We slowly wound around the compound as there were Deer
wandering everywhere.
We located Unit #30 got out of the wagon went to unit #30 courtyard doors inserted the key and . . . The Fucking Key Didn't Work . . . That's right let me say that again . . . The Fucking Key Didn't Work!. We then started to think hmmm maybe we are at the wrong location and this is the wrong “Unit #30”. We got back into the wagon, drove around the compound, only to exit gates to Spanish Bay Residential compound where unit #30 was located. We then drove around the area for a while when I read the directions again “You can enter through the second gate on the right by entering this code . . . Oh I get it. Dennis proceeded to the second gate on the right which was the gate we were at where the nice lady opened it earlier. Dennis punched in the code and TaDa the gate to the Spanish Bay Residential compound where unit #30 was located opened. We drove around slowly as there were still numerous Deer everywhere. We once again located unit #30 and thought maybe this time the key would work . . . Foiled again. The debate started call Mary . . . Call The Office . . . Call Dan . . . Call PePe the Housekeeper . . . We called nobody. The girls took there turn at reading the instructions provided to us by our host. There is lock box by the door isn't there? No we answered. We'll check you two are old and blind. The girl's search resulted in . . . there's no lock box. As we were walking to the wagon wondering what we were going to do next . . . wondering if the dream of being members of “The Rich and Famous” even if only for the weekend was going to be squashed
. . . I notice a door on the side of the garage with a deadbolt mounted knob side out. Could this be a secret location where the lock box was . . . could it . . . I opened the door . . . It was the alarm panel . . . oh yeah the lock box was there too. I tried the code and voila we were back in the Lifestyle of The Rich and Famous . . . that is . . . if this fucking key opens the doors. There was the faint sound f a Drum roll in the distance . . . The Deer stopped eating, everyone held their breath, the key was inserted slowly into the lock . . . Please let the key work . . . Please . . . the door to the courtyard was now unlocked . . . Hip Hip Hooray . . . We were in. With the door to the courtyard open the first thing that Pam aka Granny notice was a doggie door in the entrance door and asked if Dan had dogs to which Dennis answered “No”. Great we just may be in the wrong house?
No it was soon discovered that there were pictures of our host in the house . . . Whew we were safe.
We located Unit #30 got out of the wagon went to unit #30 courtyard doors inserted the key and . . . The Fucking Key Didn't Work . . . That's right let me say that again . . . The Fucking Key Didn't Work!. We then started to think hmmm maybe we are at the wrong location and this is the wrong “Unit #30”. We got back into the wagon, drove around the compound, only to exit gates to Spanish Bay Residential compound where unit #30 was located. We then drove around the area for a while when I read the directions again “You can enter through the second gate on the right by entering this code . . . Oh I get it. Dennis proceeded to the second gate on the right which was the gate we were at where the nice lady opened it earlier. Dennis punched in the code and TaDa the gate to the Spanish Bay Residential compound where unit #30 was located opened. We drove around slowly as there were still numerous Deer everywhere. We once again located unit #30 and thought maybe this time the key would work . . . Foiled again. The debate started call Mary . . . Call The Office . . . Call Dan . . . Call PePe the Housekeeper . . . We called nobody. The girls took there turn at reading the instructions provided to us by our host. There is lock box by the door isn't there? No we answered. We'll check you two are old and blind. The girl's search resulted in . . . there's no lock box. As we were walking to the wagon wondering what we were going to do next . . . wondering if the dream of being members of “The Rich and Famous” even if only for the weekend was going to be squashed
. . . I notice a door on the side of the garage with a deadbolt mounted knob side out. Could this be a secret location where the lock box was . . . could it . . . I opened the door . . . It was the alarm panel . . . oh yeah the lock box was there too. I tried the code and voila we were back in the Lifestyle of The Rich and Famous . . . that is . . . if this fucking key opens the doors. There was the faint sound f a Drum roll in the distance . . . The Deer stopped eating, everyone held their breath, the key was inserted slowly into the lock . . . Please let the key work . . . Please . . . the door to the courtyard was now unlocked . . . Hip Hip Hooray . . . We were in. With the door to the courtyard open the first thing that Pam aka Granny notice was a doggie door in the entrance door and asked if Dan had dogs to which Dennis answered “No”. Great we just may be in the wrong house?
No it was soon discovered that there were pictures of our host in the house . . . Whew we were safe.
We carefully unloaded the wagon-load of
supplies that was packed like a twisted game of Jenga. We unloaded
the wagon all the while trying not to release the wrong combination
resulting in what was sure to be a body burying avalanche of
miscellaneous Shit. The unload sequence was a resounding success with
no incidents to report.
With the supplies safely unloaded and
in the “Mansion”, the Snoop Patrol (Pam & Joanie) was sent
out to investigate the new diggs. They snooped high . . . they
snooped low . . . they snooped left . . . they snooped right and
reported back at a group gathering on the patio overlooking Pebble
Beach.
The report was summed up in two short phrases
the first was “This place is Fucking Beautiful” followed in rapid
succession by “This place is Fucking Huge”! With the first round
of snooping out of the way and the supplies unpacked, it was time for
a quick snack and an adult beverage or two or three . . . okay maybe
four! While we were having our snack we watched as numerous Deer
wandered around on the fairway of the golf course while golfers hit
their respective balls down the fairway . . . the Deer were not
startled or impressed by the golfers efforts. As for the castaways we
were neither startled or impressed either as some of the golfers hits
resulted in more that a few “Fucks” “Motherfuckers” and quite
a few “Aww Shits” as the balls traveled well out of bounds in the
trees and bushes. After our snack time we relaxed and continued to
unwind and even were able to send the snoop patrol out for a follow
up snoop assignment which included the garage and various doors that
were overlooked on the first assignment.
Well after some time had past and we
had freshened up it was off to dinner in Pacific Grove. We ate at
this little Italian restaurant located in this beautiful Victorian
house.
The dinner and the company was awesome we even had a good time with the awesome waitress which at first did not know what to make of our group. This was especially true when it came to me . . . imagine that. After dinner it was agreed that we should go back to the Mansion and walk to the beach to walk off our fabulous meal. We returned to the trusty wagon and programed Lola for our return route as it was now dark and god only knows . . . This group would get so lost we would end up driving into the fucking Ocean if left to fend for ourselves on our first night unassisted. We were off to the “Mansion” . . . We soon arrived at a different Guarded Gate and it was soon apparent that the “Lifestyles Of the Rich And Famous” suited us because we rolled up to the Guard Gate where Dennis proceeded to blurt out “Crow” as big as you please. This resulted in the oddest look and head tilt from the Guard. So Dennis repeated it a second time only louder “Crow”. This must have been some sort of mysterious password because apparently when you say “Crow” with some authority in your voice gates will open for you . . . Even gates to Pebble Beach guarded by a serious Asian Guard.
The dinner and the company was awesome we even had a good time with the awesome waitress which at first did not know what to make of our group. This was especially true when it came to me . . . imagine that. After dinner it was agreed that we should go back to the Mansion and walk to the beach to walk off our fabulous meal. We returned to the trusty wagon and programed Lola for our return route as it was now dark and god only knows . . . This group would get so lost we would end up driving into the fucking Ocean if left to fend for ourselves on our first night unassisted. We were off to the “Mansion” . . . We soon arrived at a different Guarded Gate and it was soon apparent that the “Lifestyles Of the Rich And Famous” suited us because we rolled up to the Guard Gate where Dennis proceeded to blurt out “Crow” as big as you please. This resulted in the oddest look and head tilt from the Guard. So Dennis repeated it a second time only louder “Crow”. This must have been some sort of mysterious password because apparently when you say “Crow” with some authority in your voice gates will open for you . . . Even gates to Pebble Beach guarded by a serious Asian Guard.
We arrived back at the “Mansion”
and prepared for our evening hike to the beach. We gathered a few
flashlights to aid us on our adventure. We followed the golf cart
path towards the Ocean twisting and turning around various fairways
and green until the Ocean was close . . . Very Close . . . we
couldn't see it but we sure as hell could hear it. So over the Dunes
we set tromping through the sand and coastal grasses like we were on
some sort of pilgrimage to the fucking promised land or like none of
us had never seen the damn Pacific Ocean before . . . Which we all
had not only seen it but had swam in it in Kauai on a previous
adventure .
We were now at waters edge
standing there in the moonlight of a massive full moon . . . Now
What? Pam wandered down to the area where the surf was coming up on
the beach to feel the water. Now I know what you are thinking . . .
She fell in right . . . Wrong . . . nothing happened to her and shame
on you for thinking it did :-). Well a few minutes passed and wee
decided to head back as it was quite a hike and most of it would be
uphill to the “Mansion”. We retraced our steps through the dunes,
well sort of anyway and arrived at the 16th tee box. We
were walking on the cart path when Pam suggested that we cut across
the fairway as sort of a short-cut. As we left the path that is when
it happened. I know many of you reading this are probably thinking or
even hoping “The Fucking Sprinkler Came On” . . . Nope . . .
Instead of the sprinklers dousing the group . . . Joanie decide lay
down on here face . . . That's right Joanie performed what can only
be described as “A Fairway Swan Dive”.
She apparently caught her sandal on the edge of the curb and the rest is history. Now we all know it is not polite or even nice to laugh at the misfortune of others but this was a Fucking Hilarious moment in time . . . there Joanie laid . . . sprawled out face down . . . looking like a spilled drink. The laughter that in sued can only be described as “I think Just fucking Peed My Pants” laughter or at the very least “I Can't Fuck Breathe” laughter. I helped her to her feet at which time she simply said “Fuck Your Shortcut”.
She apparently caught her sandal on the edge of the curb and the rest is history. Now we all know it is not polite or even nice to laugh at the misfortune of others but this was a Fucking Hilarious moment in time . . . there Joanie laid . . . sprawled out face down . . . looking like a spilled drink. The laughter that in sued can only be described as “I think Just fucking Peed My Pants” laughter or at the very least “I Can't Fuck Breathe” laughter. I helped her to her feet at which time she simply said “Fuck Your Shortcut”.
Needless to say we returned to the golf cart path and returned to the”Mansion” with only the occasional “Holy Shit That's A Fucking Deer” as the golf course Sasquatches crossed our path a little too closely.
We arrive none the worse for wear . . .
well other than a few grass stains. I excused myself and went
upstairs to take a shower because my fat ass was sweating up a storm.
This is when I found out that the “Mansion” was equipped with a
water softener and a little soap goes a long Fucking way. That's
right rub rinse . . . rub rinse . . . rub rinse . . . rubbed a
testicle off . . . rub rinse . . . rubbed a second testicle off . . .
decided to stop before I rubbed my dick off. Upon my return
downstairs to the others I was informed while I was in the shower we
had a prowler with a flashlight that approached the patio area
adjacent to the golf course.
Dennis believed it to be a security guard on patrol . . . we all just hoped he was right. A few minutes later we were sitting there reminiscing about the days adventures when Pam asked “What's that Sound”? I looked towards the golf course and through the closed blinds I saw a large spotlight and then it was clear that there was a helicopter with it's spotlight on the back patio. Holy Shit Now What! We all jumped up and ran outside to the patio like a group of fucking Ninjas ready to attack. In hind sight it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do one minute a prowler . . . next minute helicopter spotlights . . . sure run outside you fucking idiots! Well lucky for us it was only Med i-flight.
There was some sort of accident / rescue going on down at the beach where we had been no more that a hour earlier . . . Damn we left too early! We (The Ninjas) ran upstairs to the “Master Suite” balcony where there was a spotting scope (This was located on one of the Snooping Missions earlier in the day) so we could get a closer look at “The Happenings”. After we determined it was either a shark attack, a pedestrian vs. vehicle, someone ran their car off the edge into the abyss, and last but not least some idiot fell off the edge onto the rocks below we decided it was time to call it a day and go to bed.
Dennis believed it to be a security guard on patrol . . . we all just hoped he was right. A few minutes later we were sitting there reminiscing about the days adventures when Pam asked “What's that Sound”? I looked towards the golf course and through the closed blinds I saw a large spotlight and then it was clear that there was a helicopter with it's spotlight on the back patio. Holy Shit Now What! We all jumped up and ran outside to the patio like a group of fucking Ninjas ready to attack. In hind sight it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do one minute a prowler . . . next minute helicopter spotlights . . . sure run outside you fucking idiots! Well lucky for us it was only Med i-flight.
There was some sort of accident / rescue going on down at the beach where we had been no more that a hour earlier . . . Damn we left too early! We (The Ninjas) ran upstairs to the “Master Suite” balcony where there was a spotting scope (This was located on one of the Snooping Missions earlier in the day) so we could get a closer look at “The Happenings”. After we determined it was either a shark attack, a pedestrian vs. vehicle, someone ran their car off the edge into the abyss, and last but not least some idiot fell off the edge onto the rocks below we decided it was time to call it a day and go to bed.
We (Jethro and Ellie May) adjourned to
our sleeping quarters and removed the 72 pillows that lined the
headboard and the burlap duvet. We pulled back the down filled
plastic lined comforter to expose what can only be described as the
thickest Fucking sheets I have ever felt. They resembled a painters
drop cloth or a sails from a sailboat. We made the best of the
strange situation and fell fast asleep as it was a long day. Stay
tuned for Day Two . . . God only know what will happen to the
Castaways . . .
Friday, July 11, 2014
The Castaway's Pebble Beach Adventure . . . AKA The Beverly Hillbillys Go To The Country Club
That's right . . . the Castaway's are spending the weekend in Pebble Beach thank to Dennis aka Jed Clampitts connection Dan Costa. This adventure started much like all of the rest of the Castaway's adventures . . . many days before the adventure with Pam aka Granny and Joanie aka Ellie May planning on what to bring. As usual the list of things to bring was so fucking long it prompted Dennis aka Jed to pose the question . . . What the Frick do you think we're staying a month?
The women-folks lists included items like alcoholic beverages, snack items, clothes (Both warm and cool versions), multiple pairs of shoes as if the girls were centipedes, three jackets ranging in thickness from light to we're going to Fucking Alaska, an iron and ironing board, swimsuits, evening gowns, four purses makeup and toiletries . . . and we are only staying two days . . . What the Fuck!!! One would think that as the adventure drew nearer the thought process, including common sense, would kick in and items would start to be eliminated . . . one would think! However this is Granny and Ellie May and it is what it is and it is much safe to just stand back and watch the Train Wreck happen.
The day before the adventure the list was made and finalized and the packing began. I set my clothes that I wanted to be packed out, which immediately received commentary from Ellie May "That's all your taking"! I informed her that we were only staying two days and that two pair of socks and underwear, two T-Shirts, two button up shirts two pair of shorts and one pair of pants are all I needed. That's when she made the statement "You're only taking two pair of socks and underwear? Umm yeah . . . Just so you know Ellie May . . . I don't plan on Shittin' My Pants this weekend!!! We left it at that, but who knows when she packs, she may just slip more items in the suitcase for me.
The day of the adventure, the final packing took place and ended with the statement "Good News . . . It All Fit In One Suitcase" . . . Oh . . . and one duffel bag. That was followed by the statement "Did You Pack The Ice Chest"? The 60 quart ice chest and snack bag was packed here at Ellie May and Jethros' house and I would bet 1 million dollars the the same was packed at Jed and Granny's place . . . All for a two day stay in what we were now calling "The Mansion".
So to sum up here is some information that may come in handy when following future posts regarding the "Country Club Adventure"
Pam = Granny Clampitt
Dennis = Jed Clampitt
Joanie = Ellie May Clampitt
Ray = Jethro Clampitt
Shitload of Clothes packed at both houses = Check
Shitload of food and drinks packed at both houses = Check
LET THE ADVENTURE BEGIN . . . STAY TUNED!!!!
The women-folks lists included items like alcoholic beverages, snack items, clothes (Both warm and cool versions), multiple pairs of shoes as if the girls were centipedes, three jackets ranging in thickness from light to we're going to Fucking Alaska, an iron and ironing board, swimsuits, evening gowns, four purses makeup and toiletries . . . and we are only staying two days . . . What the Fuck!!! One would think that as the adventure drew nearer the thought process, including common sense, would kick in and items would start to be eliminated . . . one would think! However this is Granny and Ellie May and it is what it is and it is much safe to just stand back and watch the Train Wreck happen.
The day before the adventure the list was made and finalized and the packing began. I set my clothes that I wanted to be packed out, which immediately received commentary from Ellie May "That's all your taking"! I informed her that we were only staying two days and that two pair of socks and underwear, two T-Shirts, two button up shirts two pair of shorts and one pair of pants are all I needed. That's when she made the statement "You're only taking two pair of socks and underwear? Umm yeah . . . Just so you know Ellie May . . . I don't plan on Shittin' My Pants this weekend!!! We left it at that, but who knows when she packs, she may just slip more items in the suitcase for me.
The day of the adventure, the final packing took place and ended with the statement "Good News . . . It All Fit In One Suitcase" . . . Oh . . . and one duffel bag. That was followed by the statement "Did You Pack The Ice Chest"? The 60 quart ice chest and snack bag was packed here at Ellie May and Jethros' house and I would bet 1 million dollars the the same was packed at Jed and Granny's place . . . All for a two day stay in what we were now calling "The Mansion".
So to sum up here is some information that may come in handy when following future posts regarding the "Country Club Adventure"
Pam = Granny Clampitt
Dennis = Jed Clampitt
Joanie = Ellie May Clampitt
Ray = Jethro Clampitt
Shitload of Clothes packed at both houses = Check
Shitload of food and drinks packed at both houses = Check
LET THE ADVENTURE BEGIN . . . STAY TUNED!!!!
Monday, June 2, 2014
Where Has The Time Gone . . .
That's is what I have been wondering over the past few months. The kids are out of the house . . . Damn it's true. We had a left over grand dog as a result of Joey going into the Navy. This resulted in us rescuing our newest addition to the crazy little family from the pound so Joeys dog would have a buddy. We have a zoo and I will write more about them in a later post. Until then peace out.
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