Joanie And The Genius Button . . .

Well by the title of this post you can imagine that this post will involve Lucy . . . I mean Joanie and something called a Genius Button.

First let me start by saying while Joanie is Internet and email savvy as well as being a Fabulous Farmer when it comes to Farm town, she has a tendency to reject . . . nay . . . repel new technology. Her discussions regarding new technology usually starts off with "What's wrong with the one I have". Then as all of us techno-geeks know we have to spend hours trying to 'splain to Lucy and others like her why they need the new one. So as you all can imagine when we recently got our new My touch 4g cell phones there might be a story or two from the world of I Love Lucy . . . better known as . . . Joanie's world . . . you were right.

The latest one that comes to mind happened tonight. It began with an innocent comment on my part about how I thought the voice recognition program that lets you talk and create a text message was pretty cool . . . you know the one handed thing and all. That's when it began . . .

How do you do that she asked? I told her that it was a mode you could select when entering text on the new phones. I then told her that it was a cool feature but the coolest . . . and I do mean the coolest feature . . . is the genius button. Once you turn this service on it lets you simply use your voice to do all kinds of things from search the web to send email to even make calls and text messages to individuals in you address book. I proceeded to demonstrate this awesome feature . . . and that's when it happened . . . The Genius Button . . . Does my phone have that? No Lucy I had it specially installed on my phone because I'm a fucking genius and deserve one . . . of course yours has it for Christ sakes . . . all of our phones have it . . . in fact all the My touch 4g's have it. Then it happened . . . Where is it ? ? ? rang out in the night air? As I looked at her in disbelief as she was searching her phone for I don't know what . . . maybe the giant "Easy" button from Staples . . . I don't know . . . She asked again. . . Where is it I don't see it?? Now for those of you who aren't familiar with the My touch 4g phone let me take the pleasure of introducing you to what the front of the phone looks like. I will try my best through the art of verbal description.

To begin it is a touch screen smart phone similar to an iphone. That's right a large screen with minimal buttons. the only buttons are five across the bottom. There is a Home Screen button which . . . yes . . . looks like a fucking "House". This is to signify "Home". Which I must say is rather insensitive to "Homeless" people as they do not have a house and I think needs to be changed as it is not politically correct. The next button is the "Menu" button and is signified by a series of lines which appears to represent an index of sorts. Then in the middle of the button ensemble there is what I like to call the tracking/everything button. That is because everything you do from navigating from page to page . . . to tickling the phone to unlock the screen is done with this button. You become VERY familiar with this particular button when you first get this phone. The next button along "The Row Of Buttons" is the "Back" button and is signified by an arrow pointing to the left . . . that's right . . . so you can go back to the right as if everything in life originates from the right. Which begs to ask . . . in the UK where they drive on the left side of the road and the steering wheel is on the left side of a car . . . does the button point to the left ? ? ? Just wondering. This brings us to the fifth and final button in the button section of the My touch 4g phone. As you might have already guessed it may be the genius button. Let me describe it and then you make the call. The button is placed on the right hand side of "Button Row", it is round, it is neon green, and it has the letter "G" on it. I don't know . . . It may stand for . . . Good . . . Go . . . God . . . Get The Fuck Outta Here . . . It could stand for a multitude of things beginning with the letter "G". Now I'm no genius (No pun intended) but if I were to tell you that "I really think the Genius button is a really cool feature on the phone" wouldn't you "Assume" that with only five buttons on the front of the phone . . . that the one that is . . . oh I don't know . . . neon green and has the letter "G" on it . . . might . . . nay possibly . . . could be the "Genius" button? Well I thought this would be the natural assumption but then again it is . . . Lucy the Tech-Tarded I am dealing with. At any rate this lead to the customary 45 minute back and forth "Now how do you do that" session which I know is the envy of everyone reading this entry. The end result was we got Lucy up to speed with the Genius button and pray to "G" that she never uses it because that would just lead to another session of "Now how do I use the genius button again"? That is something best left for "Tech Support in India . . .

Holy McShit Batman!!!!

It was a quite normal day at work thought Joey. The same old things were happening grilling and frying . . . frying and grilling. The only unusual thing that came to mind was the enormous amount of Filet O Fish sandwiches they were selling because of Lent.

As the shift rolled marrily along there was no evidence that Joeys day was going to end in a very bad way. About four hours into his shift while there was a lull in the McFish Eating crowd he took a few minutes to check the garbage cans to see if any needed to be emptied. That is when it happened. A customer approached him from the McPlay Place and informed him that there appeared to be a "Fudge" spill in the slide located in the play place. His first thought that flooded into his mind was "HOLY SHIT PLEASE LET IT BE FUDGE". He notified his supervisor and was instructed to verify the "Fudge" substance. If indeed it was "Fudge" to clean with the cleaning spray and a towel. He was also told that if in fact it was not "Fudge" to get the proper sinage, cleanser, bio-suit and have everyone leave the play place.

He proceeded into the play place and into the area where the "Fudge" was said to have been spilled. As he began to get inside the slide it became immediately apparent that the "Fudge" was in fact "SHIT". With a loud exclaimation of "What the Hell". With hi-ho gag me away he backed out of the stench filled shit slide to inform his supervisor of his findings. The supervisor was sympathetic with Joey and what he was about to instruct him to do. He told Joey to get the necessary items to perform the extraction and clean up of the McShit.

Joey proceeded to to play place and in a booming voice delivered the astonishing announcment of "My I Have Your Attention Please . . . Everyone Needs to Evacuate The Play Place Immediately. I Repeat . . . Everyone Needs to Evacuate The Play Place Immediately. That was when the customer who had reported the "Fudge" approached him to inquire as to why the evacuation was taking place. That is when he informed the customer "Look . . . It wasn't Fudge". It took a few seconds but the lights came on it the small brain area of the customer and with an exclaimation "OH" she rounded her child up and evacuated with everyone else. This makes me wonder how stupid was this customer or at the very least how bad does the "Fudge" she is used to eating smell.

The cleaning began and with numerous Gagging sessions and sweat dripping down as this was a McHot Box of Shit-Stink. As Joey approaached the top of the shit slide and what he thought was to be the end of the cleaning process . . . he found a nice puddle of McPiss. The godamn play place had become a multicolored Mc Toilet. What the Fuck Immediately came to Joeys mind anlong with the thoughts of Mc Murder of small children. After the new bodily excretion had be cleaned the Mc Toilet I mean the play place was reopened. Everyone in the free world will be happy to know that it is McDonalds policy that once an employee has handled Feces that they can no longer work and are sent home. This for all intensive purposes is a good idea if an employee has rolled around in the Feces, not worn gloves, not washed there hands and possibly tasted it. I think the employee should be shown how to take care against the evil Feces and keeep themselves safe from becoming contaminated or contracting a serious disease.

Well the Feces Fairy has left the area and it is time go. So until next time . . . Peace Out!

Charlie Sheen WTF Part 2

Well it's a new day an the genious is at it again. This time the cops were called because they thought he had a gun. Well this was just an excuse to go off on a tangent about how 50 cops showed up on his door step and challenged his warkock ways. Well at least he is a self proclaimed "winner" or is it a "wiener"? The most amazing thing of todays news is that with recent Tsunami in Japan that there is a fucking new service that took the time to report on this thinking it was "News Worthy". No need to wonder why I exclaim " What The FUCK". Then come to find out that someone had reported the fact that Johnny Douchebag had a gun and they were worried the the Warlock was going to do something bad with it. The thing people are forgetting that the Tiger Blood Boy is busy playing "Two and a Half Whores" and couldn't give a shit about anything else. Hell he didn't even seem to hold his craziness to himself for his kids. Then again his two twenty-something sluts are young enough to be his kids. What the hell is up with that anyway? I hope the driving force behind slutsville living situation is money. I shutter at the fact that it is because of his 45 year old balls. Hell I have those and they aren't a pretty sight. Especially since the Slutty-Pies could land someone there own age with a harder body and undoubtedly a harder dick. Then again Viagra has done wonders in that area. Well that is all for today in the realm of the saga of Sheen the Shithead. Stay tuned for my next rant, I promise to have more humor and less anger in my future posts.

WTF Is Wrong With Charlie Sheen

Yeah that's right I said it . . . what the FUCK is wrong with Sir Douchebag Charlie Sheen. this son of a bitch apparently has too much money and obviously too much time on his hands. To make matters worse the media is definitely feeding the fire as you can't turn on the radio or TV without hearing something about the Bat Shit Crazy asshole. I understand that the crazy shit that he spouts from his mouth is supposed to be great entertainment, and for all intensive purposes the first week it was. Unfortunately now I would rather have my balls squished in a vise than hear another "Charlie Sheen Update". Hell if you want entertainment watch The Family Guy now that is entertainment. If it's celebrity entertainment you want there is always room for Gary Busey . . . Now there is one crazy Mother Fucker who is happy just being crazy. Where Charlie Sheen made his mistake in all this is that he does not have a humble bone in his body and is just an arrogant asshole that has seemed to forget who watched his movies and TV shows that got him his fortune. Next time if he is going to give away a cool million all he has to do is send me a check and I will be more that happy to distribute the wealth . . . and I don't mean amongst skankey hookers. there is something call charity.