Well Pam and Dennis arrive at the Little compound at around 1:30pm and the adventure was about to begin. The first order of business was to pack the wagon with our provisions for the 3 day adventure. This was a challenge as the women folk had packed enough for a cross country adventure, instead of the three hour tour often associated with the Castaways .
Our GPS guided wagon was off and our destination of Spanish
Bay Unit #30 at Pebble Beach was a mere 2 ½ hours away . . . Let
the adventure begin.
Dennis aka Jed Clampitt was at the helm
and me aka Jethro was his copilot . . . That was in addition to Lola
our trusty GPS guidance Counselor. With the course plotted and Lola
babbling about turn here turn there to just get out of our
subdivision we were off. We drove for a little over an hour when we
came upon the world famous “Casa De Fruta” and the girls
instructed us that a pit stop was in order. We parked the wagon and
embarked on what could only be described as “The Great Snack Hunt
2014”. I know . . . I know in reading the blog entries about this
adventure from the beginning you would have already been able to
deduce that we already had enough snack for a week much less 3 days.
The one thing that we were missing though was pistachios . . . and as
anyone who has followed the Castaways over the years . . . This has
become a staple and a “Must Have Snack”for them. So we settled on
our flavors, purchased 5 pounds of our $15 a pound snacks, a quick pee
stop and we were off again.
The next leg of our journey found us
following Lola's directions into the middle of nowhere in route to
highway 156 when out of nowhere a pterodactyl size hawk swooped in to
latch onto the wagon and fly off with it . . . or so it seemed. In
actuality the hawk was only playing the little known game of “Swoop
And Make Them Shit”. The hawk swooped . . . we all screamed . . .
and yes I peed a little . . . first laughable moment was now behind
us! Not too long after what is now known as the "Holy Shit-Hawk" incident, a loud scream of "RAKE"! came from the back seat. That is when Dennis' driving skills were put to the test. With a swerve swerve here and a swerve swerve there, here a swerve there a swerve everywhere a swerve swerve. With NASCAR like driving skills, eminent tire damage from the steely tines was avoided . . . mighty fine driving Mr. Earnhardt. Another hour or so of following Lola's directions was uneventful
. . . then we arrived at the guarded entrance to 17 Mile Drive and
Pebble Beach.
At the gate we were to give the guard
our name and we were supposed to be in the system . . . well we were
. . . which was a big surprise as usually when the castaways are on
an adventure . . . Shit Happens! With the guard behind us now and
him knowing damn well that we were with “Dennis Crow”, the
entrance to the life styles of the rich and famous was now in our
sights the next stop was the gate to Spanish Bay Residences aka “The
Mansion” . . .
We arrived at the gates to the Spanish
Bay Residential compound where unit #30 was located which would be
our base of operations for the next three days. In the instructions
provided to us by our host there were a couple of codes . . . of
which being a good copilot . . . I gave them to Dennis in the wrong
order to punch into the keypad at the gate. To our surprise when the
first code was entered a woman’s voice answered the subsequent
ringing . . . Hello . . . Yes we were given this code and told that
it would open this gate . . . Um okay . . . I'll open it for you . .
. and low and behold the gate to the compound opened . . . Hell yeah
we were in! We slowly wound around the compound as there were Deer
wandering everywhere.
We located Unit #30 got out of the wagon went to unit #30 courtyard doors inserted the key and . . . The Fucking Key Didn't Work . . . That's right let me say that again . . . The Fucking Key Didn't Work!. We then started to think hmmm maybe we are at the wrong location and this is the wrong “Unit #30”. We got back into the wagon, drove around the compound, only to exit gates to Spanish Bay Residential compound where unit #30 was located. We then drove around the area for a while when I read the directions again “You can enter through the second gate on the right by entering this code . . . Oh I get it. Dennis proceeded to the second gate on the right which was the gate we were at where the nice lady opened it earlier. Dennis punched in the code and TaDa the gate to the Spanish Bay Residential compound where unit #30 was located opened. We drove around slowly as there were still numerous Deer everywhere. We once again located unit #30 and thought maybe this time the key would work . . . Foiled again. The debate started call Mary . . . Call The Office . . . Call Dan . . . Call PePe the Housekeeper . . . We called nobody. The girls took there turn at reading the instructions provided to us by our host. There is lock box by the door isn't there? No we answered. We'll check you two are old and blind. The girl's search resulted in . . . there's no lock box. As we were walking to the wagon wondering what we were going to do next . . . wondering if the dream of being members of “The Rich and Famous” even if only for the weekend was going to be squashed
. . . I notice a door on the side of the garage with a deadbolt mounted knob side out. Could this be a secret location where the lock box was . . . could it . . . I opened the door . . . It was the alarm panel . . . oh yeah the lock box was there too. I tried the code and voila we were back in the Lifestyle of The Rich and Famous . . . that is . . . if this fucking key opens the doors. There was the faint sound f a Drum roll in the distance . . . The Deer stopped eating, everyone held their breath, the key was inserted slowly into the lock . . . Please let the key work . . . Please . . . the door to the courtyard was now unlocked . . . Hip Hip Hooray . . . We were in. With the door to the courtyard open the first thing that Pam aka Granny notice was a doggie door in the entrance door and asked if Dan had dogs to which Dennis answered “No”. Great we just may be in the wrong house?
No it was soon discovered that there were pictures of our host in the house . . . Whew we were safe.
We located Unit #30 got out of the wagon went to unit #30 courtyard doors inserted the key and . . . The Fucking Key Didn't Work . . . That's right let me say that again . . . The Fucking Key Didn't Work!. We then started to think hmmm maybe we are at the wrong location and this is the wrong “Unit #30”. We got back into the wagon, drove around the compound, only to exit gates to Spanish Bay Residential compound where unit #30 was located. We then drove around the area for a while when I read the directions again “You can enter through the second gate on the right by entering this code . . . Oh I get it. Dennis proceeded to the second gate on the right which was the gate we were at where the nice lady opened it earlier. Dennis punched in the code and TaDa the gate to the Spanish Bay Residential compound where unit #30 was located opened. We drove around slowly as there were still numerous Deer everywhere. We once again located unit #30 and thought maybe this time the key would work . . . Foiled again. The debate started call Mary . . . Call The Office . . . Call Dan . . . Call PePe the Housekeeper . . . We called nobody. The girls took there turn at reading the instructions provided to us by our host. There is lock box by the door isn't there? No we answered. We'll check you two are old and blind. The girl's search resulted in . . . there's no lock box. As we were walking to the wagon wondering what we were going to do next . . . wondering if the dream of being members of “The Rich and Famous” even if only for the weekend was going to be squashed
. . . I notice a door on the side of the garage with a deadbolt mounted knob side out. Could this be a secret location where the lock box was . . . could it . . . I opened the door . . . It was the alarm panel . . . oh yeah the lock box was there too. I tried the code and voila we were back in the Lifestyle of The Rich and Famous . . . that is . . . if this fucking key opens the doors. There was the faint sound f a Drum roll in the distance . . . The Deer stopped eating, everyone held their breath, the key was inserted slowly into the lock . . . Please let the key work . . . Please . . . the door to the courtyard was now unlocked . . . Hip Hip Hooray . . . We were in. With the door to the courtyard open the first thing that Pam aka Granny notice was a doggie door in the entrance door and asked if Dan had dogs to which Dennis answered “No”. Great we just may be in the wrong house?
No it was soon discovered that there were pictures of our host in the house . . . Whew we were safe.
We carefully unloaded the wagon-load of
supplies that was packed like a twisted game of Jenga. We unloaded
the wagon all the while trying not to release the wrong combination
resulting in what was sure to be a body burying avalanche of
miscellaneous Shit. The unload sequence was a resounding success with
no incidents to report.
With the supplies safely unloaded and
in the “Mansion”, the Snoop Patrol (Pam & Joanie) was sent
out to investigate the new diggs. They snooped high . . . they
snooped low . . . they snooped left . . . they snooped right and
reported back at a group gathering on the patio overlooking Pebble
Beach.
The report was summed up in two short phrases
the first was “This place is Fucking Beautiful” followed in rapid
succession by “This place is Fucking Huge”! With the first round
of snooping out of the way and the supplies unpacked, it was time for
a quick snack and an adult beverage or two or three . . . okay maybe
four! While we were having our snack we watched as numerous Deer
wandered around on the fairway of the golf course while golfers hit
their respective balls down the fairway . . . the Deer were not
startled or impressed by the golfers efforts. As for the castaways we
were neither startled or impressed either as some of the golfers hits
resulted in more that a few “Fucks” “Motherfuckers” and quite
a few “Aww Shits” as the balls traveled well out of bounds in the
trees and bushes. After our snack time we relaxed and continued to
unwind and even were able to send the snoop patrol out for a follow
up snoop assignment which included the garage and various doors that
were overlooked on the first assignment.
Well after some time had past and we
had freshened up it was off to dinner in Pacific Grove. We ate at
this little Italian restaurant located in this beautiful Victorian
house.
The dinner and the company was awesome we even had a good time with the awesome waitress which at first did not know what to make of our group. This was especially true when it came to me . . . imagine that. After dinner it was agreed that we should go back to the Mansion and walk to the beach to walk off our fabulous meal. We returned to the trusty wagon and programed Lola for our return route as it was now dark and god only knows . . . This group would get so lost we would end up driving into the fucking Ocean if left to fend for ourselves on our first night unassisted. We were off to the “Mansion” . . . We soon arrived at a different Guarded Gate and it was soon apparent that the “Lifestyles Of the Rich And Famous” suited us because we rolled up to the Guard Gate where Dennis proceeded to blurt out “Crow” as big as you please. This resulted in the oddest look and head tilt from the Guard. So Dennis repeated it a second time only louder “Crow”. This must have been some sort of mysterious password because apparently when you say “Crow” with some authority in your voice gates will open for you . . . Even gates to Pebble Beach guarded by a serious Asian Guard.
The dinner and the company was awesome we even had a good time with the awesome waitress which at first did not know what to make of our group. This was especially true when it came to me . . . imagine that. After dinner it was agreed that we should go back to the Mansion and walk to the beach to walk off our fabulous meal. We returned to the trusty wagon and programed Lola for our return route as it was now dark and god only knows . . . This group would get so lost we would end up driving into the fucking Ocean if left to fend for ourselves on our first night unassisted. We were off to the “Mansion” . . . We soon arrived at a different Guarded Gate and it was soon apparent that the “Lifestyles Of the Rich And Famous” suited us because we rolled up to the Guard Gate where Dennis proceeded to blurt out “Crow” as big as you please. This resulted in the oddest look and head tilt from the Guard. So Dennis repeated it a second time only louder “Crow”. This must have been some sort of mysterious password because apparently when you say “Crow” with some authority in your voice gates will open for you . . . Even gates to Pebble Beach guarded by a serious Asian Guard.
We arrived back at the “Mansion”
and prepared for our evening hike to the beach. We gathered a few
flashlights to aid us on our adventure. We followed the golf cart
path towards the Ocean twisting and turning around various fairways
and green until the Ocean was close . . . Very Close . . . we
couldn't see it but we sure as hell could hear it. So over the Dunes
we set tromping through the sand and coastal grasses like we were on
some sort of pilgrimage to the fucking promised land or like none of
us had never seen the damn Pacific Ocean before . . . Which we all
had not only seen it but had swam in it in Kauai on a previous
adventure .
We were now at waters edge
standing there in the moonlight of a massive full moon . . . Now
What? Pam wandered down to the area where the surf was coming up on
the beach to feel the water. Now I know what you are thinking . . .
She fell in right . . . Wrong . . . nothing happened to her and shame
on you for thinking it did :-). Well a few minutes passed and wee
decided to head back as it was quite a hike and most of it would be
uphill to the “Mansion”. We retraced our steps through the dunes,
well sort of anyway and arrived at the 16th tee box. We
were walking on the cart path when Pam suggested that we cut across
the fairway as sort of a short-cut. As we left the path that is when
it happened. I know many of you reading this are probably thinking or
even hoping “The Fucking Sprinkler Came On” . . . Nope . . .
Instead of the sprinklers dousing the group . . . Joanie decide lay
down on here face . . . That's right Joanie performed what can only
be described as “A Fairway Swan Dive”.
She apparently caught her sandal on the edge of the curb and the rest is history. Now we all know it is not polite or even nice to laugh at the misfortune of others but this was a Fucking Hilarious moment in time . . . there Joanie laid . . . sprawled out face down . . . looking like a spilled drink. The laughter that in sued can only be described as “I think Just fucking Peed My Pants” laughter or at the very least “I Can't Fuck Breathe” laughter. I helped her to her feet at which time she simply said “Fuck Your Shortcut”.
She apparently caught her sandal on the edge of the curb and the rest is history. Now we all know it is not polite or even nice to laugh at the misfortune of others but this was a Fucking Hilarious moment in time . . . there Joanie laid . . . sprawled out face down . . . looking like a spilled drink. The laughter that in sued can only be described as “I think Just fucking Peed My Pants” laughter or at the very least “I Can't Fuck Breathe” laughter. I helped her to her feet at which time she simply said “Fuck Your Shortcut”.
Needless to say we returned to the golf cart path and returned to the”Mansion” with only the occasional “Holy Shit That's A Fucking Deer” as the golf course Sasquatches crossed our path a little too closely.
We arrive none the worse for wear . . .
well other than a few grass stains. I excused myself and went
upstairs to take a shower because my fat ass was sweating up a storm.
This is when I found out that the “Mansion” was equipped with a
water softener and a little soap goes a long Fucking way. That's
right rub rinse . . . rub rinse . . . rub rinse . . . rubbed a
testicle off . . . rub rinse . . . rubbed a second testicle off . . .
decided to stop before I rubbed my dick off. Upon my return
downstairs to the others I was informed while I was in the shower we
had a prowler with a flashlight that approached the patio area
adjacent to the golf course.
Dennis believed it to be a security guard on patrol . . . we all just hoped he was right. A few minutes later we were sitting there reminiscing about the days adventures when Pam asked “What's that Sound”? I looked towards the golf course and through the closed blinds I saw a large spotlight and then it was clear that there was a helicopter with it's spotlight on the back patio. Holy Shit Now What! We all jumped up and ran outside to the patio like a group of fucking Ninjas ready to attack. In hind sight it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do one minute a prowler . . . next minute helicopter spotlights . . . sure run outside you fucking idiots! Well lucky for us it was only Med i-flight.
There was some sort of accident / rescue going on down at the beach where we had been no more that a hour earlier . . . Damn we left too early! We (The Ninjas) ran upstairs to the “Master Suite” balcony where there was a spotting scope (This was located on one of the Snooping Missions earlier in the day) so we could get a closer look at “The Happenings”. After we determined it was either a shark attack, a pedestrian vs. vehicle, someone ran their car off the edge into the abyss, and last but not least some idiot fell off the edge onto the rocks below we decided it was time to call it a day and go to bed.
Dennis believed it to be a security guard on patrol . . . we all just hoped he was right. A few minutes later we were sitting there reminiscing about the days adventures when Pam asked “What's that Sound”? I looked towards the golf course and through the closed blinds I saw a large spotlight and then it was clear that there was a helicopter with it's spotlight on the back patio. Holy Shit Now What! We all jumped up and ran outside to the patio like a group of fucking Ninjas ready to attack. In hind sight it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do one minute a prowler . . . next minute helicopter spotlights . . . sure run outside you fucking idiots! Well lucky for us it was only Med i-flight.
There was some sort of accident / rescue going on down at the beach where we had been no more that a hour earlier . . . Damn we left too early! We (The Ninjas) ran upstairs to the “Master Suite” balcony where there was a spotting scope (This was located on one of the Snooping Missions earlier in the day) so we could get a closer look at “The Happenings”. After we determined it was either a shark attack, a pedestrian vs. vehicle, someone ran their car off the edge into the abyss, and last but not least some idiot fell off the edge onto the rocks below we decided it was time to call it a day and go to bed.
We (Jethro and Ellie May) adjourned to
our sleeping quarters and removed the 72 pillows that lined the
headboard and the burlap duvet. We pulled back the down filled
plastic lined comforter to expose what can only be described as the
thickest Fucking sheets I have ever felt. They resembled a painters
drop cloth or a sails from a sailboat. We made the best of the
strange situation and fell fast asleep as it was a long day. Stay
tuned for Day Two . . . God only know what will happen to the
Castaways . . .
