What Do You Mean Your Pussy Is Falling Out?!?

Holy Shit . . . My Pussy Is Falling Out . . . HELP!

That’s right, there apparently has been a recent rise in the amount of Panty Hamsters turning themselves inside out . . . What the Fuck is going on? I mean you can’t turn on the television without seeing a commercial for law suites involving surgeries where the trans-dermal vaginal mesh was implanted. That’s right doctors have installed little screen doors in the Va-jay-jay’s of the world. Which could definitely give new meaning to the phase “Banged her like a screen door”. I know the recent rise in tip toeing south of the boarder Pink Tacos can be attributed to the fact that the media has increased the amount of coverage of this condition. I know it is not a case of a Herd of Bearded Oysters migrating south for the winter in large numbers. I searched everywhere for an answer to my question, “What is happening to today’s Bikini Biscuits”?

A very wise woman brought up a very good point when she made the following comment; “How would you be able to tell that your Hush Puppy is falling out since most of them look like they are turned inside out as it is”. When you are right your right lady. There is even a surgery where they rejuvenate a woman’s vagina. What the hell is that about? I mean before you know it people are going to have grandmothers with great tits from implants and a pussy of a twenty year old . . . Is that hot or sick . . . Fuck if I know! At any rate all I can say is . . . Holy Shit I think this may be one of the signs of the apocalypse.

Well as luck would have it I work in the healthcare field and there are never a shortage of people to ask these types of burning questions. So here are a few of the questions and answers that I was given . . .

Q: Why is this condition happening all of a sudden?

A: It has happened for quite some time. “Back in the day” they would just sew it back into place. (What the hell are you talking about . . . Sew it back in place?) The doctor would just run a needle up a woman's Cooter and tack it into the abdominal muscles to hold it up! (All I can say is “Oh My God” if this happened to a guys ball sack he would commit suicide)

Q: What causes Cat Flaps to turn themselves inside out?

A: There are many reasons, ranging from C Section child births to weakened abdominal muscles from being pregnant. I think my favorite reason that I heard was that they are just showing off by turning themselves from a “Wonder Down Under” to a “Way Way Way Down Under Wonder” with a striking resemblance to Pretty Pink Mud Flaps better known as . . . “Meat Curtains.”

Q: Why install a screen door?

A: The screen door that they install will eventually have the tissue inside the Pink Taco grow into the mesh creating a “Screengina”. It's not because there is a Poon-Porch with a broken screen door like I thought . . . damn it!

Well with some of my preliminary questions answered I know now that it's everyone job to keep our collective eyes out for the “Runaway Twats” trying to escape. So for the woman who may think that she is starting to have a “Runaway Snatch” . . . Please Do Not Sneeze too hard.

Picture it . . . a poor woman afflicted with a Kamikaze Cockwash sneezes and her pretty pink parts puff out like a “Bubblegum Air Bag” between her legs. Damn if that wouldn't make you soil yourself. Keep in mind that if it was a Full Figured Gal it may just result is a Giant Pink Crotch Balloon that could suffocate small animals and children.

I think I have developed a game plan for a cure that men can help with. The cure consists of increasing sexual intercourse particularly PENETRATION with a secondary wave of kegel exercises. This method not only shoves the escaping parts back into place but strengthen the grip of the Sausage Wallet too. Either way you just can't go wrong with my cure . . . Enjoy!

Please remember . . . When playing her Baby Gap like a Pink Harmonica to treat it with the utmost care and respect because a Perky Punani is a terrible thing to waste . . . and she could take the Hairy Checkbook away when your not looking.

One Year Older . . . Whoop A De Doo!

Well I have arrived at the ripe old age of 46. That's right I'm on the verge of 50 . . . holy Shit! Well I'm here to tell my loyal readers that I don't care about my age because life is too short. I know this will sound cliche' but you are only as young as you feel . . . And I feel 30!

The one thing that I have found is that as you get older you definitely start to appreciate the simpler thing is life like a sunset, a song that brings back a memory from days gone by and lets not forget Sex . . . Woo Hoo! You definitely appreciate a nice piece of . . . Well lets just leave it at that. In these economic times I have had a greater appreciation of a rare thing called employment too!

Not a day goes by that I don't thank the creator for my loving wife, awesome kids, great friends that I would do anything for and everything that I have. I know that was a little more sentimental than most of my readers are used to . . . that is 46 talking. On a funnier note I am thinking of taking on a new pen name. The new pen name is "Mike Lee Torres". Say the name fast and you will understand my reason for contemplating this change.

Well as you can see by the time of this post it is time for this old timer to get to bed . . . Work tomorrow!

Social Media Wannabe Celebrities . . . Not ! ! !

I have been part of the social media network for quite some time now and there are a few things that bother me to the point that . . . you guessed it . . . I need to rant!

The first problem that I have come across is various people who use Facebook as a twitter forum. You know the people that I'm talking about. The ones that think everyone cares that they are eating spaghetti or going to bed . . . Who gives a shit! I know that sounds harsh but I think those comments are best posted on Twitter. After all that is what it was designed for. Don't get me wrong I like Facebook and the genuine updates that my friends post regarding their families friends and lives . . . Just stop telling everyone when you take a Shit!

The next thing that grates on my nerves is people who post things about their family members that later is found out to be lies. Who are they trying to impress by posting this bullshit in the first place. They are so busy stroking their own ego's they forget that they are hurting those people that will always be their for them . . . family.

The final thing that is on my last nerve is the wannabe Facebook celebrities. These are the people who are so full of themselves that they always post tales of how great they are and how great the things they do are. When in fact they are nothing more than blowhards that are so egotistical that they think the rest of us that are reading their posts are stupid enough to either believe the bullshit or even be the slightest bit impressed by them. Holy shit just how stupid do they think we are? Hell I know of one person that tells everyone how great he is and how everything he does is great. In reality this person is 46 years old, living with his mother, unemployed, and mooching off her all the while acting like he is a superstar.

I know . . . I know . . . He's holding out for a management position like cousin Eddie on Lampoon Vacation. This Assbag is the epitome of a waste of flesh and should be made to wear a sign the says " I'm a Grade A Assbag". Well I feel better now that I said my piece and anyone who knows me . . . I tend to have a sense of humor and usually can find something hilarious in just about everything . . . but this . . . I think not. Sorry!

Home Sweet Home . . . Back To The Grind . . .

Well we returned home on Saturday night and spent Sunday recupperating as expected. Monday morning came way too quickly that's for sure.

With the alarm screaming it's lovely ear piercing noise at me I soon realized the gravity of the situation . . . I was so not ready to have my vacation end . . . and at 5:45am to boot. I know you are wondering . . . did he snooze the alarm . . . Hell yes I did.

I got ready for work in a haze of "what the hell". Packed my all important supply of Rockstar Energy Drinks and was out the door to face the first day back at work after two weeks in paradise . . . Shit this was going to be a long day.

I arrived at work and had to transport all of my training supplies to the training room. Did I mention my first three days back to work involved teaching three CPR classes . . . Well it did! Needless to say the first three days back to work involved very little in the way of "catching up". It was mainly, show up early to set up, teach, training room tear down . . . repeat!

So as far as I'm concerned my first day back to actual work was Thursday. Thursday involved reading 462 emails and following through with the required responses and/or action. With a fulough day on friday and some emails two weeks old, I thought I would "just get this done". Success . . . I got them all done. This proves that I must not be the typical County Employee.

To sum up my week . . . It wasn't too bad . . . but it's not Kauai! I will be moving there as soon as I can find a job that can support us there . . . count on it!!!